Wahbert has a client named fondly known as Kichirat. Random Boss no. 52 caused the death of Kichirat yesterday......
Kichirat is a Japanese national and the head of legal of a multinational corporation. Random Boss no. 52 ("RB52") was handling an assignment for the MNC and was taking his own sweet time about it. By the end of the third week and still not having gotten a response, Kichirat sent RB52 an email seeking his reply immediately.
Now RB52's favourite delay tactic is to zoom in on one small issue and spin it round and round until you have a problem the size of the second World War, and as if things were not bad enough, he will tell you that it is a reputational risk. It seems words like "reputational risk" "compliance" and "good governance" are very sexy terms in the industry at present. Luckily for RB52, he got his break on about the third page of the document (it only took him 5 minutes!), where Kichirat had made a tiny mistake.
The first thing RB52 did was call every lawyer involved in the transaction to sit in on the call, muttering to himself all the time and looking very grave indeed. Then he called Kichirat and told Kichirat that in all his career he had not seen something like that, and that if someone were to have an issue with it what would Kichirat say to the court? Would Kichirat have an answer? Was Kichirat trying to hide something? Is Kichirat not the leader of this exercise? What would happen to Kichirat and the MNC if it were discovered that the MNC is doing this? Was Kichirat prepared to bring the MNC into disrepute?
All this time Wahbert sat there picturing the headlines in the Japan Times - Top Legal Exec of MNC Committed Harakiri. Body found at desk. Last saw on the phone with Malaysian counsel.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Watch what you say and to whom you say it
Today, an articled clerk told Wahbert that the Stapler is "nice". Wahbert made a mental note to criticise her work. Clearly the girl demonstrates poor judgment.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I don't speak legalese
There's this thing called globalisation that Wahbert keeps hearing about. More than once Wahbert has heard people say "the waves of globalisation are lapping at our shores, you have to synergise, advance, progress with the time". Heck, if it's only lapping at your shores, what's the big deal? In fact, the whole idea sounds like it's perfect for a little dip in the sea on a balmy day. It's not like they said "Goddamn globalisation is hitting us like a goddamn tsunami and you better do something goddamn quick or you're goddamn gone".
Such was Wahbert's complacency that Wahbert had never bothered much with the lapping waves of globalisation. Then comes today. Wahbert had two meetings scheduled. The first was with a delegation from the Government of Mali. The second with representatives of client from Japan.
The first of the delegate to enter the room was a mighty lady over six feet tall and made Wahbert feel quite small. She was dressed in a bright yellow robe with fancy prints and crowned with a matching turban and made Wahbert feel quite drab (Wahbert was in pinstripe). Three other impressive looking gentlemen followed. The meeting progressed in French, and Wahbert was asked to translate. This Wahbert found quite difficult, as her mind was filled with images of cocoa trees and bananas ever since the lady first walked in.
As for the second meeting, suffice to say that Wahbert does not speak a word of Japanese and the meeting involved a lot of chattering and bowing on their part and a lot of blank stares from Wahbert. Possibly they expected Wahbert to bow with every stare. Wahbert told them she had a bad back. Possibly they did not understand.
Wahbert has decided that globalisation was a lot more fun as a concept, with a pina colada on the side.
Such was Wahbert's complacency that Wahbert had never bothered much with the lapping waves of globalisation. Then comes today. Wahbert had two meetings scheduled. The first was with a delegation from the Government of Mali. The second with representatives of client from Japan.
The first of the delegate to enter the room was a mighty lady over six feet tall and made Wahbert feel quite small. She was dressed in a bright yellow robe with fancy prints and crowned with a matching turban and made Wahbert feel quite drab (Wahbert was in pinstripe). Three other impressive looking gentlemen followed. The meeting progressed in French, and Wahbert was asked to translate. This Wahbert found quite difficult, as her mind was filled with images of cocoa trees and bananas ever since the lady first walked in.
As for the second meeting, suffice to say that Wahbert does not speak a word of Japanese and the meeting involved a lot of chattering and bowing on their part and a lot of blank stares from Wahbert. Possibly they expected Wahbert to bow with every stare. Wahbert told them she had a bad back. Possibly they did not understand.
Wahbert has decided that globalisation was a lot more fun as a concept, with a pina colada on the side.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Encapsulating Happiness
Wahbert went to bed happy on Sunday night.
It was a weird fuzzy feeling, like you are completely at peace with the world, and the simple act of going to sleep when you are feeling sleepy overwhelms you with a kind of joy that can only be derived from appreciation of simple things.
It was inexplicable and wonderful at the same time.
This morning, on her way to work, Wahbert remembered that she took an antihistamine half an hour before she went to bed.
It was a weird fuzzy feeling, like you are completely at peace with the world, and the simple act of going to sleep when you are feeling sleepy overwhelms you with a kind of joy that can only be derived from appreciation of simple things.
It was inexplicable and wonderful at the same time.
This morning, on her way to work, Wahbert remembered that she took an antihistamine half an hour before she went to bed.
Remember the Gorillas
Did I ever tell you what happened to the baby gorillas* ?
As expected, some died (or not, this is an assumption based on the fact that Wahbert has not seen them ever since they left), but some proved surprisingly resilient, adapting to the fluoro-greyness of the World of Wahbert. They assimilated and integrated with the People, thriving on paperwork and sustaining on black coffee.
And so we have Gorillas in the Midst.
har har.
* 30/10/04 Post
As expected, some died (or not, this is an assumption based on the fact that Wahbert has not seen them ever since they left), but some proved surprisingly resilient, adapting to the fluoro-greyness of the World of Wahbert. They assimilated and integrated with the People, thriving on paperwork and sustaining on black coffee.
And so we have Gorillas in the Midst.
har har.
* 30/10/04 Post
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Drink Drink Till You Die
Wahbert had a wretched weekend. As you may be aware, torture can come in various forms, like feeding prisoners lobster, three times a day, every day, for the duration of his incarceration, let's say, life.
It began on Friday, with the Powers That Be plying the People of WoW with cocktails by the Mandarin Oriental poolside. You are surrounded by friends, the setting was nice and the alcohol plenty...... with the Powers that Be watching and observing your every move. The smarter People of WoW quickly realised that the cocktails could not have been for the benefit of the People (a realisation strongly supported by past trends) and were circumspect. Unfortunately for Wahbert, she is not one of the smarter People. After about two drinks, Wahbert conveniently forgot that the Powers that Be were omnipresent.
Wahbert would spend Saturday alternating between holding her head, hugging her middle and rolling on the bed groaning all the time.
Yes, the Powers that Be can be unkind.
It began on Friday, with the Powers That Be plying the People of WoW with cocktails by the Mandarin Oriental poolside. You are surrounded by friends, the setting was nice and the alcohol plenty...... with the Powers that Be watching and observing your every move. The smarter People of WoW quickly realised that the cocktails could not have been for the benefit of the People (a realisation strongly supported by past trends) and were circumspect. Unfortunately for Wahbert, she is not one of the smarter People. After about two drinks, Wahbert conveniently forgot that the Powers that Be were omnipresent.
Wahbert would spend Saturday alternating between holding her head, hugging her middle and rolling on the bed groaning all the time.
Yes, the Powers that Be can be unkind.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
NO THANK YOU!
Wahbert is annoyed. Wahbert is annoyed with people who say "Thanks" before they say "Please". This is usually the case when they are asking you to do something. To those who do not know it, "Thanks" is not a polite way to REQUEST! It suggests to Wahbert that you are presumptious and expect whatever it is will be done. And while I'm ranting, "Could you do something for me" should be punctuated with a question mark and not a goddamn full stop!
And Random Bosses should be punctuated with bullet holes.
And Random Bosses should be punctuated with bullet holes.
Caught
Wahbert fears she may have been exposed. Lately her colleagues have been mentioning the word "stapler" a lot... like, "I'm going to steal your stapler"... or "Give me your stapler, I like bright shiny things" Crap. Wahbert had better lay low for awhile.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Grave Insult
Wahbert had plans for the night. She was going out on a "not-a-date" with this guy whom she met during her exile to the borderlands where they were required to keep marauders from crossing the border (some people call it repatriating illegal immigrants, whatever).
Guy called up in the afternoon and tried to postpone the "not-a-date" because he had to go overland to visit the grave of some dead relatives. Wahbert is insulted. They're already dead. Why should they care if Guy goes today or tomorrow? Wahbert on the other hand made plans to leave work early. Now Wahbert has to make plans to leave work early tomorrow. That's a lot of plans being made. Clearly Guy in his hermit ways does not comprehend the sacrifices Wahbert makes in leaving work early.
Guy called up in the afternoon and tried to postpone the "not-a-date" because he had to go overland to visit the grave of some dead relatives. Wahbert is insulted. They're already dead. Why should they care if Guy goes today or tomorrow? Wahbert on the other hand made plans to leave work early. Now Wahbert has to make plans to leave work early tomorrow. That's a lot of plans being made. Clearly Guy in his hermit ways does not comprehend the sacrifices Wahbert makes in leaving work early.
Monday, October 24, 2005
B is for...
Blister!
Random Boss No. 97 came into Wahbert's room and commiserated over Wahbert's dilemma about whether or not to go for surgery. He recounted his own painful story of when he had a blister on his foot, going into details of whether he should have burst it with a needle or have a doctor look at it. That's right. Save it for the doctor.
Not very long ago, same Random Boss had stripped off his shoe and sock to show a (arguably different) blister on his foot to the Queen.
Random Boss No. 97 came into Wahbert's room and commiserated over Wahbert's dilemma about whether or not to go for surgery. He recounted his own painful story of when he had a blister on his foot, going into details of whether he should have burst it with a needle or have a doctor look at it. That's right. Save it for the doctor.
Not very long ago, same Random Boss had stripped off his shoe and sock to show a (arguably different) blister on his foot to the Queen.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Rumours
Random Boss no. 103 came into Wahbert's room and inquired after her tonsils, possibly due to the rumour that Wahbert had had her tonsils stolen while travelling in Vietnam. The rumour actually originated from two conflicting stories that somehow merged to become one as rumours do. One says Wahbert had gotten her tonsils removed. Another one says that Wahbert went to Vietnam. Over time, where the two rumours could be interpreted to co-exist, they did. Namely that the tonsils were removed in Vietnam. Did Wahbert suddenly have a killer tonsilitis attack that needed immediate surgery and a former Viet Cong wielding a curved knife had to perform the surgery notwithstanding that his legs had been blasted off during the War? No, Wahbert ate a dodgy bowl of Pho and then everything went blurry and when she woke up her tonsils were gone!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Specimen Wahbert
The Queen came in and just stared at Wahbert at close range for 5 doggone minutes because Wahbert had cut her hair. Then she called Wahbert a lizard.
Yup, the Queen has returned.
Yup, the Queen has returned.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
McBert
Recently came to Wahbert a revelation why her life is an endless toil.
Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.
So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!
(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )
Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub
Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.
So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!
(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )
Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub
Thursday, September 22, 2005
How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways
The tea lady is on medical leave. The kettle is empty. The water cooler is empty. The nearest oasis is located in a snakepit across the road known as HSBC. Worse, Wahbert is not getting her coffee. And now Wahbert has had her USB privileges stripped away by the IT Nazis. Even the USB mouse had to go. Wahbert needs to move to a more user-friendly environment.
The coup begins with the IT rats
The Elders have departed to make their yearly pilgrimage in search for enlightenment atonement greater wisdom so on so forth. The people contemplated staging a coup whilst the Elders are away (the best idea by far was to change the lock).
Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.
Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Fade to grey
Three of the locals decided to all show up in varying shades of grey from head to toe today. Standing side by side, Wahbert, Moron 2 and the Little One personify the term "Made to Fade". It's past 5 o'clock. Wahbert thinks she'll lie down and blend in with the carpet for awhile.
In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.
In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Survivor (Part III) - Eyebrows made me do it!!!
By the end of the second night (shortly after the 1st and 2nd lines of offense began their self-destruction), Wahbert found herself snogging The Stapler again *groan*. Wahbert firmly believes that this momentary lapse of judgment was a result of her eyebrows looking good that evening, thanks to the amazing efforts put in by her soulmate. The eyebrows made me do it!!!
Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???
Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???
Survivor (Part II) - Self-Destruct
Then comes the night of judgment. This was the night where they separate the men from the boys (or the workaholics from the alcoholics) with free flow alcohol all night long.
Now, a sort of feud has been going on between the Loud Mouths and the Paper Pushers (also known as the Litigation department and the Corporate department respectively) since time immemorial. It might have originated from the fact that they thought we come to work too late and we thought they leave work too early.... or because one of their elders looked at ours funny. Anyway, no one really remembers, but every year, the tribes meet and try to drink each other under the table in some sort of a battle for supremacy. This year, the Paper Pushers recruited Wahbert and the Little One. Wahbert was designated as 2nd line of offence whilst Little One was the 1st.
Unfortunately, before the battle got started, the 1st line of offence met the 2nd line and decided to self-destruct. It was a black black day in the history of the Paper Pushers.
Now, a sort of feud has been going on between the Loud Mouths and the Paper Pushers (also known as the Litigation department and the Corporate department respectively) since time immemorial. It might have originated from the fact that they thought we come to work too late and we thought they leave work too early.... or because one of their elders looked at ours funny. Anyway, no one really remembers, but every year, the tribes meet and try to drink each other under the table in some sort of a battle for supremacy. This year, the Paper Pushers recruited Wahbert and the Little One. Wahbert was designated as 2nd line of offence whilst Little One was the 1st.
Unfortunately, before the battle got started, the 1st line of offence met the 2nd line and decided to self-destruct. It was a black black day in the history of the Paper Pushers.
Survivor (Part I) - Slippery Senorita
The omnipotent Gods in the World of Wahbert have decided that it was time that the people of WoW be sent on a journey to perdition. So last weekend, the people were exiled to a remote island 300 miles away from civilisation, under the guise of "Annual Dinner Getaway to Penang".
On the first night, Wahbert, Moron 1 and Moron 2 (whom you may recall from an earlier post) and other inconsequential WoW beings decided that perhaps if they injected massive quantities of intoxicating substances into their system, they would find the whole perdition experience kind of fun. So the bunch of us went down to a local watering hole called "Slippery Senorita" (We thought the name sounded promising. Don't ask.)
Not long after we got there, Moron 2 managed to pick up two girls, sisters. After a few minutes, he found out their names. It was "Sugar" and "Honey". Pleased to meet you. I'm Diabetic.
Few more minutes later, Wahbert found out something else. There was a rule in this club whereby you are not allowed to stray more than 3 feet beyond the bar if you have a cigarette and/or a drink in your hand. Each time Wahbert wandered beyond the imaginary 3 feet line, some guy in a suit and armed with a walkie-talkie would shoo her back.
Wahbert was effectively confined behind invisible bars the whole night with Sugar and Honey.
On the first night, Wahbert, Moron 1 and Moron 2 (whom you may recall from an earlier post) and other inconsequential WoW beings decided that perhaps if they injected massive quantities of intoxicating substances into their system, they would find the whole perdition experience kind of fun. So the bunch of us went down to a local watering hole called "Slippery Senorita" (We thought the name sounded promising. Don't ask.)
Not long after we got there, Moron 2 managed to pick up two girls, sisters. After a few minutes, he found out their names. It was "Sugar" and "Honey". Pleased to meet you. I'm Diabetic.
Few more minutes later, Wahbert found out something else. There was a rule in this club whereby you are not allowed to stray more than 3 feet beyond the bar if you have a cigarette and/or a drink in your hand. Each time Wahbert wandered beyond the imaginary 3 feet line, some guy in a suit and armed with a walkie-talkie would shoo her back.
Wahbert was effectively confined behind invisible bars the whole night with Sugar and Honey.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The Art of Giving
When Wahbert was little, her cousin used to have a revolving door style of dating. He could never seem to keep his girlfriends for more than a year. So rather than spending money on Christmas gifts each year on his latest fancy, Wahbert used to tell the lovely lady that next year, she will get two Christmas presents instead. They thought it was cute. Wahbert knew better.
Needless to say they never got to spend a second Christmas at Wahbert's house.
Needless to say they never got to spend a second Christmas at Wahbert's house.
Friday, August 19, 2005
The Wahbert Guide to Breaking Up Nicely
... so the story left off with The Stapler giving Wahbert tonsillitis. Wahbert now requires surgery and is feeling all the shittier for it. Anyhoo The Stapler kicked Wahbert in the guts last night by declaring that it is in fact a piece of stationery incapable of affection warmth or companionship. Wahbert secretly plans to torch the supply cabinet.
And so The Stapler went on its spiel about how perfect its life is as a stapler and how things were getting complicated. (No shit. You're a stapler!) Basically all Wahbert heard was "Clack Clack Clack... I'm a schmuck. Clack Clack Clack ... I'm a real schmuck. Clack Clack Clack Clack... Clack Clack Clack "
When a guy says "what do you think?" "are you ok with this?" in a break-up scenario, don't stroke his ego with a tearful "Whyyyyyyyyyy" or "Can't we give it another try". Break-ups are not a democratic process. It is legal to unilaterally terminate a relationship. Unless you are married, then it's just more hassle. Be classy, be vicious if need be. For Wahbert, the latter comes naturally...
S : "Hey your security guards let me in without asking any questions!"
W: "Don't worry, they now have instructions to shoot on sight."
S : "I've never seen your car!" (What kind of preposterous remark is that given the circumstances?!)
W: "Wait right here. I'll go get the keys and you can have a view of my car coming at you at high speed."
And so The Stapler went on its spiel about how perfect its life is as a stapler and how things were getting complicated. (No shit. You're a stapler!) Basically all Wahbert heard was "Clack Clack Clack... I'm a schmuck. Clack Clack Clack ... I'm a real schmuck. Clack Clack Clack Clack... Clack Clack Clack "
When a guy says "what do you think?" "are you ok with this?" in a break-up scenario, don't stroke his ego with a tearful "Whyyyyyyyyyy" or "Can't we give it another try". Break-ups are not a democratic process. It is legal to unilaterally terminate a relationship. Unless you are married, then it's just more hassle. Be classy, be vicious if need be. For Wahbert, the latter comes naturally...
S : "Hey your security guards let me in without asking any questions!"
W: "Don't worry, they now have instructions to shoot on sight."
S : "I've never seen your car!" (What kind of preposterous remark is that given the circumstances?!)
W: "Wait right here. I'll go get the keys and you can have a view of my car coming at you at high speed."
Monday, August 15, 2005
Romancing the Stationery
I think the firm owes a duty to attach health warnings to office supplies.
I mean, you get papercuts from letterheads, we have incidents of staff stabbing themselves with pencils (accidentally, that is) and quite recently, the Stapler gave Wahbert tonsillitis. Geez man, enough is enough!!!
I mean, you get papercuts from letterheads, we have incidents of staff stabbing themselves with pencils (accidentally, that is) and quite recently, the Stapler gave Wahbert tonsillitis. Geez man, enough is enough!!!
Friday, August 12, 2005
The Queen and I - Hide and Seek
Over the past month, Wahbert has been seeking audience with the Queen quite frequently. Various matters of State, from the farmer who needed restructuring of farmyard animals to the guy down the street who runs an investment bank. Wahbert secretly delighted in plastering the Queen with petitions as soon as the Queen alights upon her throne each day. Just now, Wahbert caught the Queen trying to hide under her table as Wahbert entered the room.
Wahbert is starting to feel that maybe the Queen doesn't want to see her. Nah......
Wahbert is starting to feel that maybe the Queen doesn't want to see her. Nah......
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
The Stapler
Often when people leave employment, they take with them a souvenir from the job... with staplers possibly topping the list of most popular items to go missing.
Wahbert has been considering a career change. There is this guy in the firm, whom Wahbert now privately refers to as.... The Stapler.
Wahbert has been considering a career change. There is this guy in the firm, whom Wahbert now privately refers to as.... The Stapler.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
The Queen and Corn
The Queen has developed a thing for force-feeding her underlings with corn on the cob. It's been 4 days straight and she's still bringing them.... urghh..
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
ADD
Due to prolonged exposure to hopeless tasks and monotonous workmates, Wahbert has developed the attention span of a kid with ADD. Wahbert now alternates pretending to listen to the constant yakkity yak with using their heads as target practice for javelin throws (with pens).
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
if he's cute and blond
Alan Smith has joined the firm. Heh heh heh heh. Btw, neener neener to Manchester United! Arsenal rulessssssss!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Meet the Puke
As Star Wars fever grips the World of Wahbert, Wahbert takes the opportunity to introduce a "thingy" named after a prominent Star Wars character, better known as Skywalker. Here in the World of Wahbert, he's known as "The Puke".
Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....
Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....
Monday, May 09, 2005
Revenge of the Bride
After 7 years under the rule of the Queen, the Bride finally decided that being the wife of an investment banker is less cruel punishment. And so the people of the World of Wahbert were invited to be present in a grand dinner affair involving lilac-coloured everything.
Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.
Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???
Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.
Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.
Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???
Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.
Friday, March 18, 2005
The Wahbert Memorial Wing
Today, they decided to accord Wahbert the recognition she deserves by actually naming a corner of the World of Wahbert after her.
As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."
I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".
As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."
I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 4)
To: Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.
1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);
2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);
3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.
Appendix A -
'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.
Appendix B -
'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.
Thanks & regards,
S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.
1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);
2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);
3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.
Appendix A -
'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.
Appendix B -
'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.
Thanks & regards,
S. Cout
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 3)
To: S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
S. Cout,
Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:
1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED
2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.
3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.
Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...
Regards,
Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
S. Cout,
Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:
1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED
2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.
3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.
Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...
Regards,
Commander S
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 2)
The Scout brings news!!
To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT
Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.
Regards,
S. Cout
To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT
Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.
Regards,
S. Cout
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 1)
After enduring generations of living in an inhospitable environment where sunlight was but a distant memory for most, the inhabitants of the World of Wahbert finally decided to take their families and leave in search of better living conditions. After months of exploring, the team known as "Marketing" finally came upon a Sunny Lagoon where they thought the people from the W.o.W. would be able to spend the rest of their days in sunshine and water slides.
The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.
Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.
The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.
Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Wahbert Takes Prisoners
Wahbert has been recruited by a secretive international alliance to capture and detain members of a terrorist network. Wahbert was informed that the Modus Operandi of these terrorists is to extract sensitive intelligence relating to global share prices and hold it ransom.
At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.
At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
The Return of the King
... and so it was that a dissident state exists in the World of Wahbert, ruled by an evil sorceress with a temper much worse than the Queen's. As the notoriety of the evil sorceress permeates through the land, the good people of the World of Wahbert stayed clear of the forsaken realm.
However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.
News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).
Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.
And so the intellectual property department was saved :)
However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.
News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).
Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.
And so the intellectual property department was saved :)
Friday, February 25, 2005
Rainbow (bad) connection
Why are there so many course about ethics
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime
So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit
What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime
So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit
What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Valentines is for chipmunks
Conventionally, a guy might give a girl flowers or a box of chocolates as a token of affection. In the World of Wahbert, where office supplies are more coveted than long stemmed roses, a guy expresses his feelings by giving you work.
"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"
Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.
"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"
Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Trespass
Trespass is not a crime in the World of Wahbert. Neither is invasion of privacy. It is called public dissemination of personal information by the water cooler.
Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:
Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"
It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.
Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:
Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"
It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.
Friday, January 07, 2005
The magic words...
The Queen was in a foul mood. Somebody had the nerve to misuse a semicolon in a footnote. The Queen was screaming for blood. She called for sacrifice. The chambering pen delivered.
So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).
Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.
The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.
So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).
Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.
The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.
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