How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways

The tea lady is on medical leave. The kettle is empty. The water cooler is empty. The nearest oasis is located in a snakepit across the road known as HSBC. Worse, Wahbert is not getting her coffee. And now Wahbert has had her USB privileges stripped away by the IT Nazis. Even the USB mouse had to go. Wahbert needs to move to a more user-friendly environment.