Advanced Lifeform Evaluator

Memo to inhabitants of WoW:

"Please note that all office lighting is motion and light sensored. With motion sensors, if you are stationery for longer than about 10 minutes, your lights will go off.　Light sensoring is determined by the amount of natural light going into your office. Depending on what side of the office you are on, your office lights will start to dim around late morning to compensate for the natural light coming through the window."

Postscript:

If you become a pen or ruler for more than 10 minutes (it is known to happen), we will cut off power supply to your office. Clearly if you are a piece of office stationery you have no need of illumination.

On the other hand, if you have been stationary for more than 10 minutes, we should probably also be checking for a pulse (or closed eyes and slow breathing).

The humble stamp

Wahbert took a 60 cents postage stamp from the mail desk at work yesterday.*

At 12.50pm this afternoon, a firm wide email went out under the title "MISSING STAMP".

Wahbert thought to herself, wtf the bastards actually COUNT those things??!

Turns out the litigation lawyer was looking for his rubber chop (stamp, duh) for witnessing affidavits and statutory declarations.

Oh.

What guilty conscience???


* The book that changed Wahbert's life was Dogbert's seminal work 'How to Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies'.

No substitute

Wahbert walks into a shop and orders a bowl of soup.

Wahbert's soup arrived with a fork.

Waiter says "Sorry we ran out of spoons."


Some things in life just aren't meant to be.

Hardcore Toilet Paper

Does Wahbert need further proof that her life is surrounded by insanely trivial matters? This email came to all staff today:

Dear Office Worker

As some of you may have noticed we recently introduced new recycled toilet paper in line with JAIL BLOCK C's stance on sustainability and environmentally friendly initatives. However it has been brought to our attention that some of you are having difficulty with removing the empty rolls due to the hard core.

I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge that your comments have been duly noted and as a result we are taking immediate action to resolve this situation. In the meantime we kindly ask for you patience with this matter (and discretion in finding a better stocked cubicle).

We apologise for any inconvenience (such as your not having any toilet paper to use after a Number Two, oopsie).

Sincerely,
The Office Administrator

Do not work in this firm

It's someone's last day today, and he sent around a firm-wide farewell email. It goes like this:

"Hi Guy’s,

It is with sad regret that I am today leaving.... Sadly I have had to move on to further my career and to provide for my family and unfortunately this was not achievable at this firm, until after I had made my decision to leave.

I wish all at this firm the best as it is a decent company to work for and there are many good people working here.."

Didn't anyone teach him that it's better not to say anything if he cannot think of anything nice to say??

This reminds me of a notice outside a shop which had closed down.. it read "We are now closed FOREVER." Do I detect a mild accusation in the tone there, Mr Poster on the Door?

Poor eyesight

Wahbert's eyesight is getting worse.... Letters randomly appear or go missing and words keep rearranging themselves....

Today, looking at Qantas' 2010 Annual Report, Wahbert thought the front page said:

"The Scum of Us"

http://www.qantas.com.au/infodetail/about/investors/2010AnnualReport.pdf

Time for a sanity check, perhaps?

Next year is the year of the rutabaga

It's the chinese new year (kung hei fatt choy everyone!). Wahbert decided to bring a box of cookies to work. There's an ugly picture greeting on the box of a rabbit munching on a carrot and it says "Happy New Year".

Colleague walks past and asked if it was the Year of the Carrot.

If we are what we eat, then Wahbert was born in the Year of the Bananas :)

The Workroom Goblin named George

We have a "workroom" system here where bulk printing, photocopying, binding and other senseless tasks are channeled each night and magically appear in neat little bound, copied and labeled piles the next day. Turns out, "workroom" is the codename for George, a pill-popping slave goblin living in the print room.

We received this message today - there will be no further printing until George gets his happy pills!

From: Workroom
Sent: Tuesday, 7 December 2010 11:12 AM
To: Partners & Staff
Subject: George

Morning

Unfortunately we have run out of strong capsules. Due to high demand for George I am still trying to keep with the demand for capsules. This is an new issue which we are trying to eliminate. Strong capsules have been ordered and should arrive shortly. Sorry for any inconvenience and as time goes on we shall endeavour to ensure this does not occur again.

Regards Workroom

How much is that doggy in the window?

Sorry, our auditor is not for sale.


In what was apparently the best description of an auditor's role in the 19th century, in Re Kingston Cotton Mill (No 2) [1896] 2 Ch 279, the judge said,

"He is a watch-dog, but not a bloodhound."

I don't insult auditors, judges do.

Got my grrrrrowl back

Remember the Enid Blyton story about the bear who lost its growl? Sad little bugger. Well, Wahbert thinks her sense of humour pretty much went the same way during her time at Constipation Lawyers, Sh*thole VIC.

Well, having escaped, Wahbert thinks she's now got her growl back.

Today, whilst reviewing a board paper for an executive incentive plan, Wahbert came across the following:

• The Board has the discretion to decide that the Award will not be forfeited if the employee is a God Leaver (yes, we mean an apostate, as opposed to the opposite of a Bad Leaver). Next on the agenda, the God Leaver Policy...
• Shareholders' approval will be sought at the upcoming general meeting for the grant of rights to execute directors. [To all the Executive Directors out there: Didn't we tell you it was important to keep shareholders happy?]

Corporate Governance - the new religious extremist buzzword.

How To Train Your Dragon Widget

Hi, World!

I'm not dead. I'm just stuck in a hideously boring job working for a troll.

Gotta go, troll patrol on high alert.

HELP.

Fortune telling lingerie

From The Age news online, Wednesday 9 December 2009

Business Day Trader Insights Markets Quotes World Business Comment & Analysis

BRA warns of more mortgage rises

PETER MARTIN ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT Economists forecast rate rises will add more than $300 to monthly mortgage costs as the RBA governor speaks of the need for still higher 'spreads.' Westpac goes bananas

The Crimes of Practice

Wahbert apologises for intensely boring work related posts, but she hasn't eaten or slept properly for 3 days and is to be allowed some non-creative blabber.

And so it goes.

The Collective Bad Breath of the Firm

Wahbert has a client who would not have any contact with her firm. Instead, the client appoints another lawyer to act as an email server, whose sole function is to forward emails saying "We shall be grateful if you could respond to client's queries below".... and scroll down to client's email... "Please have Wahfirm comment on it". What, do we smell????

Do not discriminate against the punctuation-challenged

You might recall an earlier Wahbert post about people who end questions with a full stop and uses "Thanks" in place of "Please". It is totally unacceptable and a blight on the English language. Read on...

"What is the status."
"Shall we send this out tonight."
"Could you handle that, thanks."

If you don't see a problem with the sentences above, you are made of different stuff from Wahbert. And the scary scary thing is... Wahbert is starting to get just a little desensitised about the whole thing... Do you think that might be a problem.


And Wahbert shall end the tirade with a story with a moral....

Lawyers are not financial analysts. Not accountants. Not bankers. Most of us don't even have decent high school math scores. Some of us never even made it to high school. So if we don't ask you to tell us about promissory estoppel, DO NOT ask us to explain or even understand effective tax rate. (If Wahbert sees a BNP banker Wahbert is liable to commit violence.)

Unfortunately, even partners fail to grasp the concept as it applies to associates. "Go on, Wahbert, draft the Management Discussion and Analysis....It's just figures. Oh yeah we've already pocketed the money to do it. " Yeah you write it then. And the moral which Wahbert sincerely hopes the rabbit slaughtering corpse hugging partner would some day come to realise...

IF YOU CAN'T COOK, DON'T BLOODY OPEN A RESTAURANT!!!!

The Technical Myth

Ask an accountant anything, and he will say that it has to go through their technical dept first. Works like the troll on the proverbial bridge. Wahbert has a feeling that this technical dept, which has to approve everything and take days if not weeks or months to do so, is some pimply faced office-type, slouching at a little desk in the corner of KPMG, PWC, EY, DTT.. and each time a report floats before him, would yawn and waggle his fingers saying... yeah yeah yeah. The technical dept. Greatest deterrent to productivity since facebook. Why can't law firms have em too?!?!

Paralegals Get No Respect

There are peasants and then there are peasants. A caste system still exists in WoW, and there, just below the belly of the worm you just squished with your boot, are the paralegals.

Wahbert feels sorry for them, really. Granted Wahbert gives em crap to do, gives em a crap attitude, and gives em crap deadlines to do it by, at least Wahbert doesn't go out of her way to insult them (too much effort). Well, some people do go the extra mile. Today, a paralegal sent out some stuff to the printer's for typesetting. A moment later, an email comes through copied to the whole team. "The stuff you sent were not used. Please confirm that they are useless." Ouch (no, didn't stop Wahbert from laughing out loud though).

Fear of retribution. Another brimstone and hail event has been foretold for the WoW, and Wahbert expects to be cast on distant shores, and heaven forbid, paralegaling may be the temporary solution. Wahbert is scared. Wahbert is terrified.

Zyklon

There is an ominous plot afoot. Every day at approximately 1800 hours, a noxious smell permeates the World of Wahbert, rendering the inhabitants covering their noses and mouths, clutching their throats and running for the door. But there is no escape. The smell is everywhere. Wahbert suspects that cost cutting has come to this - The Final Solution.

Either that or they still haven't found the partner who died under the weight of paperwork.

A different league

Due to peasant shortages, the people of World of Wahbert has to undergo a system of rotation, taking turns to patrol the four corners of the World - Property, Corporate, Tax, Financial Services, Litigation and Intellectual Property (okay so that's 6, but Tax is tiny and stupid and FS is really just Corporate). In the days gone by, the folks used to just suck it up whether they liked it or not, and the powers that be are satisfied.

Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???

When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.

Wahbert's Little Shop of Horrors

If you think a freezer full of dead bunnies is not your idea of due diligence, just imagine a freezer full of dead bodies...

As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.

"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.

"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.

"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.

"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'

'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'

'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'

"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."

Better a legislator than a janitor

Proof of nature knowing what's best when it comes to division of labour...

Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."

Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."