Sunday, June 26, 2005
The Queen and Corn
The Queen has developed a thing for force-feeding her underlings with corn on the cob. It's been 4 days straight and she's still bringing them.... urghh..
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
ADD
Due to prolonged exposure to hopeless tasks and monotonous workmates, Wahbert has developed the attention span of a kid with ADD. Wahbert now alternates pretending to listen to the constant yakkity yak with using their heads as target practice for javelin throws (with pens).
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
if he's cute and blond
Alan Smith has joined the firm. Heh heh heh heh. Btw, neener neener to Manchester United! Arsenal rulessssssss!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Meet the Puke
As Star Wars fever grips the World of Wahbert, Wahbert takes the opportunity to introduce a "thingy" named after a prominent Star Wars character, better known as Skywalker. Here in the World of Wahbert, he's known as "The Puke".
Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....
Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....
Monday, May 09, 2005
Revenge of the Bride
After 7 years under the rule of the Queen, the Bride finally decided that being the wife of an investment banker is less cruel punishment. And so the people of the World of Wahbert were invited to be present in a grand dinner affair involving lilac-coloured everything.
Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.
Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???
Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.
Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.
Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???
Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.
Friday, March 18, 2005
The Wahbert Memorial Wing
Today, they decided to accord Wahbert the recognition she deserves by actually naming a corner of the World of Wahbert after her.
As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."
I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".
As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."
I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 4)
To: Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.
1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);
2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);
3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.
Appendix A -
'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.
Appendix B -
'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.
Thanks & regards,
S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.
1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);
2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);
3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.
Appendix A -
'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.
Appendix B -
'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.
Thanks & regards,
S. Cout
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 3)
To: S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
S. Cout,
Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:
1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED
2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.
3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.
Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...
Regards,
Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT
S. Cout,
Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:
1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED
2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.
3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.
Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...
Regards,
Commander S
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 2)
The Scout brings news!!
To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT
Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.
Regards,
S. Cout
To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT
Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.
Regards,
S. Cout
Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 1)
After enduring generations of living in an inhospitable environment where sunlight was but a distant memory for most, the inhabitants of the World of Wahbert finally decided to take their families and leave in search of better living conditions. After months of exploring, the team known as "Marketing" finally came upon a Sunny Lagoon where they thought the people from the W.o.W. would be able to spend the rest of their days in sunshine and water slides.
The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.
Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.
The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.
Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Wahbert Takes Prisoners
Wahbert has been recruited by a secretive international alliance to capture and detain members of a terrorist network. Wahbert was informed that the Modus Operandi of these terrorists is to extract sensitive intelligence relating to global share prices and hold it ransom.
At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.
At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
The Return of the King
... and so it was that a dissident state exists in the World of Wahbert, ruled by an evil sorceress with a temper much worse than the Queen's. As the notoriety of the evil sorceress permeates through the land, the good people of the World of Wahbert stayed clear of the forsaken realm.
However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.
News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).
Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.
And so the intellectual property department was saved :)
However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.
News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).
Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.
And so the intellectual property department was saved :)
Friday, February 25, 2005
Rainbow (bad) connection
Why are there so many course about ethics
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime
So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit
What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime
So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit
What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me
All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame
I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Valentines is for chipmunks
Conventionally, a guy might give a girl flowers or a box of chocolates as a token of affection. In the World of Wahbert, where office supplies are more coveted than long stemmed roses, a guy expresses his feelings by giving you work.
"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"
Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.
"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"
Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Trespass
Trespass is not a crime in the World of Wahbert. Neither is invasion of privacy. It is called public dissemination of personal information by the water cooler.
Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:
Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"
It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.
Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:
Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"
It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.
Friday, January 07, 2005
The magic words...
The Queen was in a foul mood. Somebody had the nerve to misuse a semicolon in a footnote. The Queen was screaming for blood. She called for sacrifice. The chambering pen delivered.
So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).
Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.
The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.
So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).
Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.
The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Christmas
The gorillas sang Christmas carols. They ran out of food at Christmas lunch. The lion sat with Wahbert and the Wallflowers. As soon as the games began, everyone rushed back to do work. Wahbert discovered the new criteria to be made a partner, judging from those announced over lunch - you either have to be fat, or bald. Being both will get you very far.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
To the Moon and Back
Wahbert the Astronaut ("Astrobert") has crash landed back onto Earth. The shock of landing has sent Wahbert into another dimension known as Denial Meets Jet Lag. Wahbert seeks solace in alcohol.
One month ago, Astrobert catapulted out of the World of Wahbert into a distant planet, otherwise known as France (Seriously, there are aliens there). Upon initial contact, Astrobert noted the dazzliing lights of this planet, and the strange nasal language spoken. Fortunately, Astrobert's alien language processor enabled her to communicate with the natives.
Astrobert spent four weeks exploring the planet and found it to be extremely civilised albeit somewhat insular. As Wilde put it, they speak no language but their own, they read no literature but their own, hence they are pretty narrow-minded.. but one must not make a sweeping generalisation, some French do speak English... they are the waiters.
Anyhoo, Astrobert had an amazing time in this planet, but unfortunately, Astrobert finally ran out of euros and had bartered everything else salvaged from the World of Wahbert. Reluctantly, Astrobert embarked upon her ship for the journey back to Earth.
Astrobert is Wahbert once more. :o(
One month ago, Astrobert catapulted out of the World of Wahbert into a distant planet, otherwise known as France (Seriously, there are aliens there). Upon initial contact, Astrobert noted the dazzliing lights of this planet, and the strange nasal language spoken. Fortunately, Astrobert's alien language processor enabled her to communicate with the natives.
Astrobert spent four weeks exploring the planet and found it to be extremely civilised albeit somewhat insular. As Wilde put it, they speak no language but their own, they read no literature but their own, hence they are pretty narrow-minded.. but one must not make a sweeping generalisation, some French do speak English... they are the waiters.
Anyhoo, Astrobert had an amazing time in this planet, but unfortunately, Astrobert finally ran out of euros and had bartered everything else salvaged from the World of Wahbert. Reluctantly, Astrobert embarked upon her ship for the journey back to Earth.
Astrobert is Wahbert once more. :o(
Thursday, October 14, 2004
The Wahbert Petting Zoo
The Master of the Universe, otherwise known as the Managing Partner, has a thing which he calls "Managing by Walking Around".
Now, many people in the World of Wahbert live in small enclosures with a glass facade, much like those big aquariums, just without the decorative anemone.
Yesterday, the MP pottered up to the World of Wahbert for a look around. Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of the day and Wahbert was the only one awake. The MP stood outside the glass window and stared curiously at Wahbert for a few minutes. Wahbert immediately activated nature's best defense - her furniture-morphing cells. Disinterested, the MP surveyed his surroundings for a moment before departing to manage another department.
Wahbert is reminded of her visit to the zoo when she was little. At all the exciting animal exhibits, there would always only be just one animal that is awake during the day. Now Wahbert understands how self-conscious the poor beasties must have felt.
Now, many people in the World of Wahbert live in small enclosures with a glass facade, much like those big aquariums, just without the decorative anemone.
Yesterday, the MP pottered up to the World of Wahbert for a look around. Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of the day and Wahbert was the only one awake. The MP stood outside the glass window and stared curiously at Wahbert for a few minutes. Wahbert immediately activated nature's best defense - her furniture-morphing cells. Disinterested, the MP surveyed his surroundings for a moment before departing to manage another department.
Wahbert is reminded of her visit to the zoo when she was little. At all the exciting animal exhibits, there would always only be just one animal that is awake during the day. Now Wahbert understands how self-conscious the poor beasties must have felt.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Metamorphoses
Wahbert is morphing into office furniture. Dressed in black and grey, Wahbert blends easily into her surroundings. As the last vestige of Wahbert's physical form is sapped away, Wahbert slowly disappears into the office chair.
so sleepy........ sigh
so sleepy........ sigh
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