Hi, World!

I'm not dead. I'm just stuck in a hideously boring job working for a troll.

Gotta go, troll patrol on high alert.

HELP.

Fortune telling lingerie

From The Age news online, Wednesday 9 December 2009

Business Day Trader Insights Markets Quotes World Business Comment & Analysis

BRA warns of more mortgage rises

PETER MARTIN ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT Economists forecast rate rises will add more than $300 to monthly mortgage costs as the RBA governor speaks of the need for still higher 'spreads.' Westpac goes bananas

The Crimes of Practice

Wahbert apologises for intensely boring work related posts, but she hasn't eaten or slept properly for 3 days and is to be allowed some non-creative blabber.

And so it goes.

The Collective Bad Breath of the Firm

Wahbert has a client who would not have any contact with her firm. Instead, the client appoints another lawyer to act as an email server, whose sole function is to forward emails saying "We shall be grateful if you could respond to client's queries below".... and scroll down to client's email... "Please have Wahfirm comment on it". What, do we smell????

Do not discriminate against the punctuation-challenged

You might recall an earlier Wahbert post about people who end questions with a full stop and uses "Thanks" in place of "Please". It is totally unacceptable and a blight on the English language. Read on...

"What is the status."
"Shall we send this out tonight."
"Could you handle that, thanks."

If you don't see a problem with the sentences above, you are made of different stuff from Wahbert. And the scary scary thing is... Wahbert is starting to get just a little desensitised about the whole thing... Do you think that might be a problem.


And Wahbert shall end the tirade with a story with a moral....

Lawyers are not financial analysts. Not accountants. Not bankers. Most of us don't even have decent high school math scores. Some of us never even made it to high school. So if we don't ask you to tell us about promissory estoppel, DO NOT ask us to explain or even understand effective tax rate. (If Wahbert sees a BNP banker Wahbert is liable to commit violence.)

Unfortunately, even partners fail to grasp the concept as it applies to associates. "Go on, Wahbert, draft the Management Discussion and Analysis....It's just figures. Oh yeah we've already pocketed the money to do it. " Yeah you write it then. And the moral which Wahbert sincerely hopes the rabbit slaughtering corpse hugging partner would some day come to realise...

IF YOU CAN'T COOK, DON'T BLOODY OPEN A RESTAURANT!!!!

The Technical Myth

Ask an accountant anything, and he will say that it has to go through their technical dept first. Works like the troll on the proverbial bridge. Wahbert has a feeling that this technical dept, which has to approve everything and take days if not weeks or months to do so, is some pimply faced office-type, slouching at a little desk in the corner of KPMG, PWC, EY, DTT.. and each time a report floats before him, would yawn and waggle his fingers saying... yeah yeah yeah. The technical dept. Greatest deterrent to productivity since facebook. Why can't law firms have em too?!?!

Paralegals Get No Respect

There are peasants and then there are peasants. A caste system still exists in WoW, and there, just below the belly of the worm you just squished with your boot, are the paralegals.

Wahbert feels sorry for them, really. Granted Wahbert gives em crap to do, gives em a crap attitude, and gives em crap deadlines to do it by, at least Wahbert doesn't go out of her way to insult them (too much effort). Well, some people do go the extra mile. Today, a paralegal sent out some stuff to the printer's for typesetting. A moment later, an email comes through copied to the whole team. "The stuff you sent were not used. Please confirm that they are useless." Ouch (no, didn't stop Wahbert from laughing out loud though).

Fear of retribution. Another brimstone and hail event has been foretold for the WoW, and Wahbert expects to be cast on distant shores, and heaven forbid, paralegaling may be the temporary solution. Wahbert is scared. Wahbert is terrified.

Zyklon

There is an ominous plot afoot. Every day at approximately 1800 hours, a noxious smell permeates the World of Wahbert, rendering the inhabitants covering their noses and mouths, clutching their throats and running for the door. But there is no escape. The smell is everywhere. Wahbert suspects that cost cutting has come to this - The Final Solution.

Either that or they still haven't found the partner who died under the weight of paperwork.

A different league

Due to peasant shortages, the people of World of Wahbert has to undergo a system of rotation, taking turns to patrol the four corners of the World - Property, Corporate, Tax, Financial Services, Litigation and Intellectual Property (okay so that's 6, but Tax is tiny and stupid and FS is really just Corporate). In the days gone by, the folks used to just suck it up whether they liked it or not, and the powers that be are satisfied.

Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???

When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.

Wahbert's Little Shop of Horrors

If you think a freezer full of dead bunnies is not your idea of due diligence, just imagine a freezer full of dead bodies...

As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.

"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.

"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.

"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.

"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'

'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'

'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'

"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."

Better a legislator than a janitor

Proof of nature knowing what's best when it comes to division of labour...

Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."

Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."

Wabbit

A partner walked into the room and looked around,
And he stared each lawyer in the eye;
"Aha!" said he, "Two associates I have found,
"What do you think of a crusty rabbit pie?"

Wahbert turned and glanced at her mate,
Who shook her head and said, "Not I!"
Wahbert also quickly made a face,
And asked, "Is the crust wholemeal or rye?"

The partner clapped his hands in glee.
"Rabbit pot pie, rabbit stew,
"Our new client," said he,
"Can process the meat for you!"

"Write the prospectus quick smart,
"How to skin and boil and chop and dice;
"Rabbit's ears and bunny's heart,
"How our guy packs it all real nice."

"We'll take you on some site visits;
"To see where the action is," he grinned.
"See the cages of furry white rabbits,
"Just waiting their turn to be skinned."

The partner smiled his sales pitch made,
"So can this file to you I trust?"
"Not so fast," Wahbert said,
"You never answered my question about the crust."

The Shoemaker's Elves

Ya know the story of the elves and the shoemaker (Brothers Grimm)? It goes something like this, sans intro...

Every night, the shoemaker cut out the leather for the shoes to be sewn the next day, and he would wake in the morning to find that the leather has been perfectly stitched into new shoes, so neatly made that there was not one bad stitch in them. The shoes pleased the customers so much that they paid the shoemaker well... And so it went on, what the shoemaker cut out in the evening was finished by the morning. He was never again short of customers and became a wealthy man. One night, the shoemaker and his wife decided to hide behind the door to see who their benefactor was. When the clock struck midnight, two unclothed little elves appeared in the room and set to work sewing the pieces of leather together, with their little hands skillfully crafting them into lovely pairs of shoes. When the work was done they quickly disappeared again, shivering into the night.

The next morning, the shoemaker and his wife decided to repay the little elves by making them little shirts and coats, trousers and stockings and little pairs of shoes to keep their tiny feet warm. That night, they laid out their offerings before retreating behind the door to await the elves' arrival. At the stroke of midnight, the two elves clambered onto the shoemaker's work table. Instead of finding pieces of cut leather, they were astonished to find the miniature clothes laid out before them. With a delight, they quickly put on the little garments and sang "Now we are boys so fine to see, why should we longer cobblers be?" so singing, they skipped and danced around the room and out the door... From that time forth they came no more.

Okay that story has no purpose other than Wahbert feeling a lot like a goddamn elf and all they do is put out dishes of cookies for us at night. Maybe they're afraid that Wahbert will turn their milk sour in the morning. Still, leather, paperwork, it's all the same, as long as it's neatly done by the morning. Gah. Need sleep.

Asses and Companies

Welcome to the world of printers and word conversion softwares.

"Companies"
Wahbert recently converted an old agreement from pdf into word, and a passage from the converted text goes something like this:

"To set up the Con,any Shareholders are to contribute to the Initial Capital an amount proportional to their shareholding. In the day to day running of the Con,any Directors shall have the powers vested in them by the Board..."

Stupid software has trouble reading the letter "p" apparently. Wahbert wonders if the Enron charter was once subjected to word conversion.. and the directors took it just a little too close to heart.

You've gOt to be able to laugh at your job to survive the day.

"Asses"
I don't even have a context for this one.. It's just funny seeing the word "asses" in a prospectus.

Besides, what's the difference between "asses" and "assess"? In the latter, there's just more of them, hence the extra "s".

Project Panties

Well so much for fancy project names for transactions - Project Panther, Project Doomsday, Project Happiness, Project Archer...

Wahbert recently embarked on one Project Vxx, but instead of upholding the glorious corporate tradition of using the project name (in pretty much its only use) in email headings, one of our bidders cut to the chase (the target is an undergarment manufacturer) and put it as their email header "Chinese Lingerie Company". Its contents?


"We look forward to receiving the teaser"

Ha Ha No Say that again?

Do you know what's the unfunniest thing in the world? Having to explain a joke. Don't.

Remember that blasted performance review Wahbert had to do? Well, Wahbert decided to hell with it, we'll do it the Wahbert way. So it went something like this...

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Give reasons for any billing targets missed", you have put here "June only happens once a year". Why?

Because that's the only month I billed 200%. thAT's why. No... it's because my fingers just happened to hit on that EXACT combination of letters on the keyboard.

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Have you done anything special to improve your performance this year", you have answered "Yes, I got rid of friends". Why, how did you do that?

What, so you can stick it on a notice board and call it a guideline??

>o< (this is a red bowtie)

What evil twisted world would throw Wahbert's most obnoxious arrogant insufferable red bowtied client right back at her despite moving COUNTRIES? Just goes to show that you can run, but you can never hide... the bowtie will find you.

And he still pronounces "rare" as "leeeehhhh"

HR hits aGAin

Gosh, this is turning into quite the HR-bashing blog.. Oh well, they hAD to make it so easy :)

Last Thursday, HR closed the poll on whether we are to have "mineral" or "distilled" water supplied to us.

Apparently out of the 530 staff in the office, 113 prefer distilled water while 97 preferred mineral, summing up with "The rest of you obviously drink whatever we provide."

Recount? Out of the question, it was a landslide. Paper cups will now be available for the rest of you next to the washroom sink.

I'm back and you're stuck with it

It is a universal truth. Countries and borders, geograpahy and races, laws and history, are all meaningless in the unifying singular force that is EVIL, and they can be found in every organisation, establishment, body corporate - incorporated or unincorporated, in the back office that is Human Resource, where souls get chivvied off at the pointy end of pitch forks to suffer in every small way for all eternity.

Here are the three stories of ours.

Story Number One
The nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China (please imagine patriotic marches and stern salutations as you read this out loud, thank you for your attention) has recently moved towards 5-day working weeks (it's quite amazing, I never would've thought that a nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Adminisarghhfuccckkyougetthebloodyidea, would collectively stand up and say, "let's allow our people to be lazier. Go on, you've all been working yourselves too hard, have one on me" but right they did and here we go. Our firm, grudgingly and hesitatingly as it did, finally sucked in a deep breath and proclaimed, by edict of The Managing Partner, that the World of Wahbert shall henceforth only be operational from 8.30am to 5.30pm MONDAY to FRIDAYS (only, both days inclusive, for the avoidance of doubt).

Followed by a timed 2 beats, an email from the chief troll of HR:
"If you have applied for leave on Saturdays, the half-day will be credited back to your annual leave entitlement. TO THOSE OF YOU who have tendered your resignation(imagine green skin sharp teeth and senegalese soccer victory dance around a fire accompanied by shrieks and cackling) the above does not apply. The privilege only applies to those who remain (loyal) to the firm (Hah, bet you're sorry you resigned now, QuiTtEr, lOOoosERr) (No, dear HR, not really, you can take your half a day and shove it, we're really glad to be going) (but HR only hears the sweet sound of its self-indulgent sense of justice being served, hence the last words, hence
Victory).

Story Number Two
Another email from HR:

"In the coming hot summer months, we adopt a smart casual dress code here in the World of Wahbert. By smart casual we mean SMART. And by that, we mean no jeans, no faded jeans, no ripped jeans, no t-shirts, ABSOLUTELY no t-shirts without collars, no shorts, no miniskirts, no strapless tops, no tubes, no sneakers, no runners, no sportsshoes, no slippers, no thongs..." Oh for, I think I'll just wear a suit.

Story Number Three
Performance Review
It is that time of the year where the powers that be sit across a table the size of France from you from a position of slight levitated height so that they can stare down and secretly call you a chipmunk before you walk through that door. You know that door, the one with a sign that says "Final Judgment" nailed above it. But before you waltz through and mosey with the Almighty, you are required to complete a self-assessment of your performance so far this year. Like making your very own Santa's list. Good or Bad. Your honesty is required, or it's straight to the cauldron with you. Santa knows.

Question 1: What goals did you set for yourself this year? Umm...
Question 2: How did you go about accomplishing your goals? Ahh...
Question 3: What achievements this year are you proud of? Question 4: If you haven't reached your goals, why have you failed? No, wait, I'm still at #1 Question 5: Why have you not worked, billed and collected fifty million dollars for the firm TO DATE?Question 6: Are you a LOSER? Question 7: Are you using up valuable oxygen that are better breathed by more erstwhile employees of the firm??? Noooooo! Please! Spare me! Question 8 : You are obviously a liability to the firm if you cannot even accomplish the childish goals you have set yourself, you are a no good piece of pondscum. Answer me!!! Yes Yes *sob* I am worthless, I have no more pride, confidence or self-esteem.. and because I work a hundred hours a week I also have no friends or a social life, but that's OK, because now I don't need to wear make-up and have made peace with hair loss and breakouts..

I am STILL answering this goddamn questionnaire. With every question I feel my will to live becoming more and more detached from my person. I expect to see my skin drop from it like an emptied sack any time now. Oh shit, my brain is oozing out of my pores! Help!

Office Junk

Wow, it's been awhile since I last posted. How are you, World???

I'm not in the habit of reading what I've written, so from memory, the last we have of Wahbert is her flight down some mighty mine shaft to drill oil in the polar ice caps. Would have been nice to say that Wahbert finally made her way to the light at the end of the tunnel and life awashes her in fresh air and dewy sunshine, but that belongs in another blog, na? Well then? Latest from Wahbert: still drilling and boring away in the deep bowels of the earth, although considering the geographical location and the urban planning of this little hell hole, there apparently isn't really much room left underground. Say hello to Hong Kong.

I've been meaning to blog this ever since I received the employees' handbook by courier. This should touch a special chord with those of you out there who, like myself, have a desk that resembles nothing so much as a bureaucratic volcano that in a fit of hiccough, spewed paper. And there it was, in neat double-spaced typeset font, snuggled right between "DRESS CODE" and "MEDICAL" on page 35, appeared the two sinister little words... "OFFICE JUNK". Stark, unembellished, uncompromising. Wahbert's heart caught, but she read on.

"The ballot for the office junk Ottery will be held every Friday at 3 p.m."

Two separate thoughts vied for pre-eminence at this moment in Wahbert's mind. (One) The bastards are going to confiscate my stuff and lottery it off every Friday afternoon??? Motherfu%#*&$.. (Two) Something is bothering me about the typing.. followed quickly by another (purely by habit of profession) thought we shall label: (Three) Junk by whOSE definition??????

Again, let me welcome you to Hong Kong, where law firms and random wealthy people have little fibreglass cruiseliners marooned in the harbour, quaintly known as "junks" in the true Chinese tradition. Ours' called "Ottery".

Damn.

The Bert is Back!

Ladiessssss and Gentlemen!

The long awaited return of....

*drumroll*

Wahbert! New, improved, bigger and better!

and still stuck in the same old routine.

Well kiddos, after a 5 month (or was it 6? 7?) absence, it seems that Wahbert will be rejoining the workforce! This is the job that has been offered to Wahbert:

If you picture the firm as an oil exploration company, basically what they are doing is hauling their asses to the North Pole, and Wahbert is to join them on the expedition. When they get there, they're going to locate a piece of the Arctic about the size of a fifty cents coin, and start drilling two kilometres down, hoping to strike oil. What makes them drill at that spot? Someone told them it's a good idea and they're hoping it's true. Will they in fact find oil? Who knows. If they did, would there be enough oil to justify the cost of the expedition? One can hope.

So Wahbert, intrepid explorer of world unknown, lawyer turn oil driller, is about to embark on a new and unexpected adventure! Stay tuned for more. The journey begins when the immigration department issues its work permit!

Wahbert has left the building... then turned around and burnt it down

Did you hear about the cataclysmic event that rent the World of Wahbert asunder?

It happened when Wahbert slammed the door a little too hard leaving the building ;)

Yup, Wahbert woke up one day and decided that she felt strongly enough about quitting... so she did. It was a long time coming anyway. For the record, Wahbert really did take her stapler home for good measure.

Anyway, this marks the end of WoW, until things start happening in my life again... then I'll call this "a chapter". Until then, even Wahbert has difficulty making "wake up at noon, check emails, eat and sleep" come to life.

But readers, check this space. Wahbert has been asked to temp in a school. Can you imagine? Wahbert would have an entire generation as blogging fodder. It could be the start of Wahbert's very own tardblog! Better still, Wahbert sees the start of her prefab angpow production line. Perhaps the job is not such a bad idea.......