Next year is the year of the rutabaga

It's the chinese new year (kung hei fatt choy everyone!). Wahbert decided to bring a box of cookies to work. There's an ugly picture greeting on the box of a rabbit munching on a carrot and it says "Happy New Year".

Colleague walks past and asked if it was the Year of the Carrot.

If we are what we eat, then Wahbert was born in the Year of the Bananas :)

The Workroom Goblin named George

We have a "workroom" system here where bulk printing, photocopying, binding and other senseless tasks are channeled each night and magically appear in neat little bound, copied and labeled piles the next day. Turns out, "workroom" is the codename for George, a pill-popping slave goblin living in the print room.

We received this message today - there will be no further printing until George gets his happy pills!

From: Workroom
Sent: Tuesday, 7 December 2010 11:12 AM
To: Partners & Staff
Subject: George

Morning

Unfortunately we have run out of strong capsules. Due to high demand for George I am still trying to keep with the demand for capsules. This is an new issue which we are trying to eliminate. Strong capsules have been ordered and should arrive shortly. Sorry for any inconvenience and as time goes on we shall endeavour to ensure this does not occur again.

Regards Workroom

How much is that doggy in the window?

Sorry, our auditor is not for sale.


In what was apparently the best description of an auditor's role in the 19th century, in Re Kingston Cotton Mill (No 2) [1896] 2 Ch 279, the judge said,

"He is a watch-dog, but not a bloodhound."

I don't insult auditors, judges do.

Got my grrrrrowl back

Remember the Enid Blyton story about the bear who lost its growl? Sad little bugger. Well, Wahbert thinks her sense of humour pretty much went the same way during her time at Constipation Lawyers, Sh*thole VIC.

Well, having escaped, Wahbert thinks she's now got her growl back.

Today, whilst reviewing a board paper for an executive incentive plan, Wahbert came across the following:

• The Board has the discretion to decide that the Award will not be forfeited if the employee is a God Leaver (yes, we mean an apostate, as opposed to the opposite of a Bad Leaver). Next on the agenda, the God Leaver Policy...
• Shareholders' approval will be sought at the upcoming general meeting for the grant of rights to execute directors. [To all the Executive Directors out there: Didn't we tell you it was important to keep shareholders happy?]

Corporate Governance - the new religious extremist buzzword.

How To Train Your Dragon Widget

Hi, World!

I'm not dead. I'm just stuck in a hideously boring job working for a troll.

Gotta go, troll patrol on high alert.

HELP.

Fortune telling lingerie

From The Age news online, Wednesday 9 December 2009

Business Day Trader Insights Markets Quotes World Business Comment & Analysis

BRA warns of more mortgage rises

PETER MARTIN ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT Economists forecast rate rises will add more than $300 to monthly mortgage costs as the RBA governor speaks of the need for still higher 'spreads.' Westpac goes bananas

The Crimes of Practice

Wahbert apologises for intensely boring work related posts, but she hasn't eaten or slept properly for 3 days and is to be allowed some non-creative blabber.

And so it goes.

The Collective Bad Breath of the Firm

Wahbert has a client who would not have any contact with her firm. Instead, the client appoints another lawyer to act as an email server, whose sole function is to forward emails saying "We shall be grateful if you could respond to client's queries below".... and scroll down to client's email... "Please have Wahfirm comment on it". What, do we smell????

Do not discriminate against the punctuation-challenged

You might recall an earlier Wahbert post about people who end questions with a full stop and uses "Thanks" in place of "Please". It is totally unacceptable and a blight on the English language. Read on...

"What is the status."
"Shall we send this out tonight."
"Could you handle that, thanks."

If you don't see a problem with the sentences above, you are made of different stuff from Wahbert. And the scary scary thing is... Wahbert is starting to get just a little desensitised about the whole thing... Do you think that might be a problem.


And Wahbert shall end the tirade with a story with a moral....

Lawyers are not financial analysts. Not accountants. Not bankers. Most of us don't even have decent high school math scores. Some of us never even made it to high school. So if we don't ask you to tell us about promissory estoppel, DO NOT ask us to explain or even understand effective tax rate. (If Wahbert sees a BNP banker Wahbert is liable to commit violence.)

Unfortunately, even partners fail to grasp the concept as it applies to associates. "Go on, Wahbert, draft the Management Discussion and Analysis....It's just figures. Oh yeah we've already pocketed the money to do it. " Yeah you write it then. And the moral which Wahbert sincerely hopes the rabbit slaughtering corpse hugging partner would some day come to realise...

IF YOU CAN'T COOK, DON'T BLOODY OPEN A RESTAURANT!!!!

The Technical Myth

Ask an accountant anything, and he will say that it has to go through their technical dept first. Works like the troll on the proverbial bridge. Wahbert has a feeling that this technical dept, which has to approve everything and take days if not weeks or months to do so, is some pimply faced office-type, slouching at a little desk in the corner of KPMG, PWC, EY, DTT.. and each time a report floats before him, would yawn and waggle his fingers saying... yeah yeah yeah. The technical dept. Greatest deterrent to productivity since facebook. Why can't law firms have em too?!?!

Paralegals Get No Respect

There are peasants and then there are peasants. A caste system still exists in WoW, and there, just below the belly of the worm you just squished with your boot, are the paralegals.

Wahbert feels sorry for them, really. Granted Wahbert gives em crap to do, gives em a crap attitude, and gives em crap deadlines to do it by, at least Wahbert doesn't go out of her way to insult them (too much effort). Well, some people do go the extra mile. Today, a paralegal sent out some stuff to the printer's for typesetting. A moment later, an email comes through copied to the whole team. "The stuff you sent were not used. Please confirm that they are useless." Ouch (no, didn't stop Wahbert from laughing out loud though).

Fear of retribution. Another brimstone and hail event has been foretold for the WoW, and Wahbert expects to be cast on distant shores, and heaven forbid, paralegaling may be the temporary solution. Wahbert is scared. Wahbert is terrified.

Zyklon

There is an ominous plot afoot. Every day at approximately 1800 hours, a noxious smell permeates the World of Wahbert, rendering the inhabitants covering their noses and mouths, clutching their throats and running for the door. But there is no escape. The smell is everywhere. Wahbert suspects that cost cutting has come to this - The Final Solution.

Either that or they still haven't found the partner who died under the weight of paperwork.

A different league

Due to peasant shortages, the people of World of Wahbert has to undergo a system of rotation, taking turns to patrol the four corners of the World - Property, Corporate, Tax, Financial Services, Litigation and Intellectual Property (okay so that's 6, but Tax is tiny and stupid and FS is really just Corporate). In the days gone by, the folks used to just suck it up whether they liked it or not, and the powers that be are satisfied.

Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???

When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.

Wahbert's Little Shop of Horrors

If you think a freezer full of dead bunnies is not your idea of due diligence, just imagine a freezer full of dead bodies...

As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.

"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.

"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.

"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.

"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'

'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'

'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'

"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."

Better a legislator than a janitor

Proof of nature knowing what's best when it comes to division of labour...

Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."

Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."

Wabbit

A partner walked into the room and looked around,
And he stared each lawyer in the eye;
"Aha!" said he, "Two associates I have found,
"What do you think of a crusty rabbit pie?"

Wahbert turned and glanced at her mate,
Who shook her head and said, "Not I!"
Wahbert also quickly made a face,
And asked, "Is the crust wholemeal or rye?"

The partner clapped his hands in glee.
"Rabbit pot pie, rabbit stew,
"Our new client," said he,
"Can process the meat for you!"

"Write the prospectus quick smart,
"How to skin and boil and chop and dice;
"Rabbit's ears and bunny's heart,
"How our guy packs it all real nice."

"We'll take you on some site visits;
"To see where the action is," he grinned.
"See the cages of furry white rabbits,
"Just waiting their turn to be skinned."

The partner smiled his sales pitch made,
"So can this file to you I trust?"
"Not so fast," Wahbert said,
"You never answered my question about the crust."

The Shoemaker's Elves

Ya know the story of the elves and the shoemaker (Brothers Grimm)? It goes something like this, sans intro...

Every night, the shoemaker cut out the leather for the shoes to be sewn the next day, and he would wake in the morning to find that the leather has been perfectly stitched into new shoes, so neatly made that there was not one bad stitch in them. The shoes pleased the customers so much that they paid the shoemaker well... And so it went on, what the shoemaker cut out in the evening was finished by the morning. He was never again short of customers and became a wealthy man. One night, the shoemaker and his wife decided to hide behind the door to see who their benefactor was. When the clock struck midnight, two unclothed little elves appeared in the room and set to work sewing the pieces of leather together, with their little hands skillfully crafting them into lovely pairs of shoes. When the work was done they quickly disappeared again, shivering into the night.

The next morning, the shoemaker and his wife decided to repay the little elves by making them little shirts and coats, trousers and stockings and little pairs of shoes to keep their tiny feet warm. That night, they laid out their offerings before retreating behind the door to await the elves' arrival. At the stroke of midnight, the two elves clambered onto the shoemaker's work table. Instead of finding pieces of cut leather, they were astonished to find the miniature clothes laid out before them. With a delight, they quickly put on the little garments and sang "Now we are boys so fine to see, why should we longer cobblers be?" so singing, they skipped and danced around the room and out the door... From that time forth they came no more.

Okay that story has no purpose other than Wahbert feeling a lot like a goddamn elf and all they do is put out dishes of cookies for us at night. Maybe they're afraid that Wahbert will turn their milk sour in the morning. Still, leather, paperwork, it's all the same, as long as it's neatly done by the morning. Gah. Need sleep.

Asses and Companies

Welcome to the world of printers and word conversion softwares.

"Companies"
Wahbert recently converted an old agreement from pdf into word, and a passage from the converted text goes something like this:

"To set up the Con,any Shareholders are to contribute to the Initial Capital an amount proportional to their shareholding. In the day to day running of the Con,any Directors shall have the powers vested in them by the Board..."

Stupid software has trouble reading the letter "p" apparently. Wahbert wonders if the Enron charter was once subjected to word conversion.. and the directors took it just a little too close to heart.

You've gOt to be able to laugh at your job to survive the day.

"Asses"
I don't even have a context for this one.. It's just funny seeing the word "asses" in a prospectus.

Besides, what's the difference between "asses" and "assess"? In the latter, there's just more of them, hence the extra "s".

Project Panties

Well so much for fancy project names for transactions - Project Panther, Project Doomsday, Project Happiness, Project Archer...

Wahbert recently embarked on one Project Vxx, but instead of upholding the glorious corporate tradition of using the project name (in pretty much its only use) in email headings, one of our bidders cut to the chase (the target is an undergarment manufacturer) and put it as their email header "Chinese Lingerie Company". Its contents?


"We look forward to receiving the teaser"

Ha Ha No Say that again?

Do you know what's the unfunniest thing in the world? Having to explain a joke. Don't.

Remember that blasted performance review Wahbert had to do? Well, Wahbert decided to hell with it, we'll do it the Wahbert way. So it went something like this...

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Give reasons for any billing targets missed", you have put here "June only happens once a year". Why?

Because that's the only month I billed 200%. thAT's why. No... it's because my fingers just happened to hit on that EXACT combination of letters on the keyboard.

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Have you done anything special to improve your performance this year", you have answered "Yes, I got rid of friends". Why, how did you do that?

What, so you can stick it on a notice board and call it a guideline??

>o< (this is a red bowtie)

What evil twisted world would throw Wahbert's most obnoxious arrogant insufferable red bowtied client right back at her despite moving COUNTRIES? Just goes to show that you can run, but you can never hide... the bowtie will find you.

And he still pronounces "rare" as "leeeehhhh"