Rainbow (bad) connection

Why are there so many course about ethics
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime

So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me

Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit

What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me

All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!

Valentines is for chipmunks

Conventionally, a guy might give a girl flowers or a box of chocolates as a token of affection. In the World of Wahbert, where office supplies are more coveted than long stemmed roses, a guy expresses his feelings by giving you work.

"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"

Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.

Trespass

Trespass is not a crime in the World of Wahbert. Neither is invasion of privacy. It is called public dissemination of personal information by the water cooler.

Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:

Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"

It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.

The magic words...

The Queen was in a foul mood. Somebody had the nerve to misuse a semicolon in a footnote. The Queen was screaming for blood. She called for sacrifice. The chambering pen delivered.

So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).

Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.

The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.

Christmas

The gorillas sang Christmas carols. They ran out of food at Christmas lunch. The lion sat with Wahbert and the Wallflowers. As soon as the games began, everyone rushed back to do work. Wahbert discovered the new criteria to be made a partner, judging from those announced over lunch - you either have to be fat, or bald. Being both will get you very far.

To the Moon and Back

Wahbert the Astronaut ("Astrobert") has crash landed back onto Earth. The shock of landing has sent Wahbert into another dimension known as Denial Meets Jet Lag. Wahbert seeks solace in alcohol.

One month ago, Astrobert catapulted out of the World of Wahbert into a distant planet, otherwise known as France (Seriously, there are aliens there). Upon initial contact, Astrobert noted the dazzliing lights of this planet, and the strange nasal language spoken. Fortunately, Astrobert's alien language processor enabled her to communicate with the natives.

Astrobert spent four weeks exploring the planet and found it to be extremely civilised albeit somewhat insular. As Wilde put it, they speak no language but their own, they read no literature but their own, hence they are pretty narrow-minded.. but one must not make a sweeping generalisation, some French do speak English... they are the waiters.

Anyhoo, Astrobert had an amazing time in this planet, but unfortunately, Astrobert finally ran out of euros and had bartered everything else salvaged from the World of Wahbert. Reluctantly, Astrobert embarked upon her ship for the journey back to Earth.

Astrobert is Wahbert once more. :o(

The Wahbert Petting Zoo

The Master of the Universe, otherwise known as the Managing Partner, has a thing which he calls "Managing by Walking Around".

Now, many people in the World of Wahbert live in small enclosures with a glass facade, much like those big aquariums, just without the decorative anemone.

Yesterday, the MP pottered up to the World of Wahbert for a look around. Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of the day and Wahbert was the only one awake. The MP stood outside the glass window and stared curiously at Wahbert for a few minutes. Wahbert immediately activated nature's best defense - her furniture-morphing cells. Disinterested, the MP surveyed his surroundings for a moment before departing to manage another department.

Wahbert is reminded of her visit to the zoo when she was little. At all the exciting animal exhibits, there would always only be just one animal that is awake during the day. Now Wahbert understands how self-conscious the poor beasties must have felt.

Metamorphoses

Wahbert is morphing into office furniture. Dressed in black and grey, Wahbert blends easily into her surroundings. As the last vestige of Wahbert's physical form is sapped away, Wahbert slowly disappears into the office chair.

so sleepy........ sigh

Did you ever think that Clinton might have sent Monica an email that goes something like this?

This is an email Wahbert received today:

Received on 04-10-2004, 11:52:40

To:
cc:
Subject: RE: Permanent CF

***********************
Your mail has been scanned by InterScan.
***********-***********

WAHBERT,
Pls come to my office to do what ever you want. I do not have that file
they refer to. I can bring you to MPK to request for the file.

Thanks & Best Regards,
LONELY.
YOU_SICKO SDN BHD
Tel : 603-XXXXXXXX
Fax : 603-XXXXXXXX
e-mail : LONELY@YOU_SICKO.com.my

Oh sorry, MR. LONELY, I'm not an INTERN!

Gorillas

Five strange creatures were discovered in the World of Wahbert on Friday. They have been identified as being four females and one singular male. Wahbert was immediately reminded of a small band of gorillas.

Later in the day, Wahbert stumbled upon the creatures' hideout. It appears that the creatures had taken over a remote part of the World. Wahbert approached slowly and attempted to make contact. The creatures appear unaccustomed to humans and began chattering rapidly among themselves in a language strangely similar to English.

Wahbert decided that the creatures were annoying and better left alone.

Dinner Etiquette

In remote parts of Japan, it is considered polite to burp after a meal.

In the World of Wahbert, it is acceptable to throw a flaming match into the lap of the person sitting across the table.

Wahbert learnt that it is bad for one's health to piss off a flame-thrower over dinner.

Border Dispute

The World of Wahbert has been under constant threat from the marauding hordes of barbarians camped at the northwestern tip of its realm. Recently, children, especially newborns, have been reported missing from the realm. It is strongly suspected that the barbarians are stealing the children and brainwashing them to turn against the Queen.

The barbarians have sent an emissary to negotiate with the Queen. As the Queen does not negotiate, she is gathering her forces ready for battle. Her case has been put before the Supreme Council of Elders. In the meantime, intel has it that the barbarian emissary is secretly rallying for support from neighbouring Worlds. It is rumoured that the Queen may be forced to cede parts of her territory to the barbarians.

The Queen and I - Treason

In certain jurassic cultures, it is treason to be taller than the King. Hence, a subject is expected to kneel before the Ruler... or lie prostrate, if the Ruler is very short. In the World of Wahbert, it is death by screaming.

Today, Wahbert made the mistake of standing beside the Queen in high heels.

The Queen and I - Torture device

A faithful subject, upon returning from a perilous expedition beyond the World of Wahbert, presented the Queen with an offering - a keyring with a light. After pondering the strange object for a while, the Queen, in her infinite wisdom, summed it up to be a torture device. The Queen then visisted the prisoners' cells nearby and shone the frickin bright light in the eyes of the inmates.

The Queen and I - Chocolate

The Queen has an unstoppable appetite for chocolate. Whilst the World of Wahbert used to abound in this fine delicacy, the Queen's constant and unyielding demand has virtually depleted the entire chocolate reserves in the World of Wahbert.