There is an ominous plot afoot. Every day at approximately 1800 hours, a noxious smell permeates the World of Wahbert, rendering the inhabitants covering their noses and mouths, clutching their throats and running for the door. But there is no escape. The smell is everywhere. Wahbert suspects that cost cutting has come to this - The Final Solution.
Either that or they still haven't found the partner who died under the weight of paperwork.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
A different league
Due to peasant shortages, the people of World of Wahbert has to undergo a system of rotation, taking turns to patrol the four corners of the World - Property, Corporate, Tax, Financial Services, Litigation and Intellectual Property (okay so that's 6, but Tax is tiny and stupid and FS is really just Corporate). In the days gone by, the folks used to just suck it up whether they liked it or not, and the powers that be are satisfied.
Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???
When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.
Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???
When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wahbert's Little Shop of Horrors
If you think a freezer full of dead bunnies is not your idea of due diligence, just imagine a freezer full of dead bodies...
As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.
"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.
"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.
"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.
"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'
'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'
'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'
"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."
As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.
"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.
"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.
"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.
"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'
'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'
'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'
"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Better a legislator than a janitor
Proof of nature knowing what's best when it comes to division of labour...
Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."
Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."
Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."
Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."
Friday, January 11, 2008
Wabbit
A partner walked into the room and looked around,
And he stared each lawyer in the eye;
"Aha!" said he, "Two associates I have found,
"What do you think of a crusty rabbit pie?"
Wahbert turned and glanced at her mate,
Who shook her head and said, "Not I!"
Wahbert also quickly made a face,
And asked, "Is the crust wholemeal or rye?"
The partner clapped his hands in glee.
"Rabbit pot pie, rabbit stew,
"Our new client," said he,
"Can process the meat for you!"
"Write the prospectus quick smart,
"How to skin and boil and chop and dice;
"Rabbit's ears and bunny's heart,
"How our guy packs it all real nice."
"We'll take you on some site visits;
"To see where the action is," he grinned.
"See the cages of furry white rabbits,
"Just waiting their turn to be skinned."
The partner smiled his sales pitch made,
"So can this file to you I trust?"
"Not so fast," Wahbert said,
"You never answered my question about the crust."
And he stared each lawyer in the eye;
"Aha!" said he, "Two associates I have found,
"What do you think of a crusty rabbit pie?"
Wahbert turned and glanced at her mate,
Who shook her head and said, "Not I!"
Wahbert also quickly made a face,
And asked, "Is the crust wholemeal or rye?"
The partner clapped his hands in glee.
"Rabbit pot pie, rabbit stew,
"Our new client," said he,
"Can process the meat for you!"
"Write the prospectus quick smart,
"How to skin and boil and chop and dice;
"Rabbit's ears and bunny's heart,
"How our guy packs it all real nice."
"We'll take you on some site visits;
"To see where the action is," he grinned.
"See the cages of furry white rabbits,
"Just waiting their turn to be skinned."
The partner smiled his sales pitch made,
"So can this file to you I trust?"
"Not so fast," Wahbert said,
"You never answered my question about the crust."
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
The Shoemaker's Elves
Ya know the story of the elves and the shoemaker (Brothers Grimm)? It goes something like this, sans intro...
Every night, the shoemaker cut out the leather for the shoes to be sewn the next day, and he would wake in the morning to find that the leather has been perfectly stitched into new shoes, so neatly made that there was not one bad stitch in them. The shoes pleased the customers so much that they paid the shoemaker well... And so it went on, what the shoemaker cut out in the evening was finished by the morning. He was never again short of customers and became a wealthy man. One night, the shoemaker and his wife decided to hide behind the door to see who their benefactor was. When the clock struck midnight, two unclothed little elves appeared in the room and set to work sewing the pieces of leather together, with their little hands skillfully crafting them into lovely pairs of shoes. When the work was done they quickly disappeared again, shivering into the night.
The next morning, the shoemaker and his wife decided to repay the little elves by making them little shirts and coats, trousers and stockings and little pairs of shoes to keep their tiny feet warm. That night, they laid out their offerings before retreating behind the door to await the elves' arrival. At the stroke of midnight, the two elves clambered onto the shoemaker's work table. Instead of finding pieces of cut leather, they were astonished to find the miniature clothes laid out before them. With a delight, they quickly put on the little garments and sang "Now we are boys so fine to see, why should we longer cobblers be?" so singing, they skipped and danced around the room and out the door... From that time forth they came no more.
Okay that story has no purpose other than Wahbert feeling a lot like a goddamn elf and all they do is put out dishes of cookies for us at night. Maybe they're afraid that Wahbert will turn their milk sour in the morning. Still, leather, paperwork, it's all the same, as long as it's neatly done by the morning. Gah. Need sleep.
Every night, the shoemaker cut out the leather for the shoes to be sewn the next day, and he would wake in the morning to find that the leather has been perfectly stitched into new shoes, so neatly made that there was not one bad stitch in them. The shoes pleased the customers so much that they paid the shoemaker well... And so it went on, what the shoemaker cut out in the evening was finished by the morning. He was never again short of customers and became a wealthy man. One night, the shoemaker and his wife decided to hide behind the door to see who their benefactor was. When the clock struck midnight, two unclothed little elves appeared in the room and set to work sewing the pieces of leather together, with their little hands skillfully crafting them into lovely pairs of shoes. When the work was done they quickly disappeared again, shivering into the night.
The next morning, the shoemaker and his wife decided to repay the little elves by making them little shirts and coats, trousers and stockings and little pairs of shoes to keep their tiny feet warm. That night, they laid out their offerings before retreating behind the door to await the elves' arrival. At the stroke of midnight, the two elves clambered onto the shoemaker's work table. Instead of finding pieces of cut leather, they were astonished to find the miniature clothes laid out before them. With a delight, they quickly put on the little garments and sang "Now we are boys so fine to see, why should we longer cobblers be?" so singing, they skipped and danced around the room and out the door... From that time forth they came no more.
Okay that story has no purpose other than Wahbert feeling a lot like a goddamn elf and all they do is put out dishes of cookies for us at night. Maybe they're afraid that Wahbert will turn their milk sour in the morning. Still, leather, paperwork, it's all the same, as long as it's neatly done by the morning. Gah. Need sleep.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Asses and Companies
Welcome to the world of printers and word conversion softwares.
"Companies"
Wahbert recently converted an old agreement from pdf into word, and a passage from the converted text goes something like this:
"To set up the Con,any Shareholders are to contribute to the Initial Capital an amount proportional to their shareholding. In the day to day running of the Con,any Directors shall have the powers vested in them by the Board..."
Stupid software has trouble reading the letter "p" apparently. Wahbert wonders if the Enron charter was once subjected to word conversion.. and the directors took it just a little too close to heart.
You've gOt to be able to laugh at your job to survive the day.
"Asses"
I don't even have a context for this one.. It's just funny seeing the word "asses" in a prospectus.
Besides, what's the difference between "asses" and "assess"? In the latter, there's just more of them, hence the extra "s".
"Companies"
Wahbert recently converted an old agreement from pdf into word, and a passage from the converted text goes something like this:
"To set up the Con,any Shareholders are to contribute to the Initial Capital an amount proportional to their shareholding. In the day to day running of the Con,any Directors shall have the powers vested in them by the Board..."
Stupid software has trouble reading the letter "p" apparently. Wahbert wonders if the Enron charter was once subjected to word conversion.. and the directors took it just a little too close to heart.
You've gOt to be able to laugh at your job to survive the day.
"Asses"
I don't even have a context for this one.. It's just funny seeing the word "asses" in a prospectus.
Besides, what's the difference between "asses" and "assess"? In the latter, there's just more of them, hence the extra "s".
Project Panties
Well so much for fancy project names for transactions - Project Panther, Project Doomsday, Project Happiness, Project Archer...
Wahbert recently embarked on one Project Vxx, but instead of upholding the glorious corporate tradition of using the project name (in pretty much its only use) in email headings, one of our bidders cut to the chase (the target is an undergarment manufacturer) and put it as their email header "Chinese Lingerie Company". Its contents?
"We look forward to receiving the teaser"
Wahbert recently embarked on one Project Vxx, but instead of upholding the glorious corporate tradition of using the project name (in pretty much its only use) in email headings, one of our bidders cut to the chase (the target is an undergarment manufacturer) and put it as their email header "Chinese Lingerie Company". Its contents?
"We look forward to receiving the teaser"
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Ha Ha No Say that again?
Do you know what's the unfunniest thing in the world? Having to explain a joke. Don't.
Remember that blasted performance review Wahbert had to do? Well, Wahbert decided to hell with it, we'll do it the Wahbert way. So it went something like this...
Managing Partner: In response to the question "Give reasons for any billing targets missed", you have put here "June only happens once a year". Why?
Because that's the only month I billed 200%. thAT's why. No... it's because my fingers just happened to hit on that EXACT combination of letters on the keyboard.
Managing Partner: In response to the question "Have you done anything special to improve your performance this year", you have answered "Yes, I got rid of friends". Why, how did you do that?
What, so you can stick it on a notice board and call it a guideline??
Remember that blasted performance review Wahbert had to do? Well, Wahbert decided to hell with it, we'll do it the Wahbert way. So it went something like this...
Managing Partner: In response to the question "Give reasons for any billing targets missed", you have put here "June only happens once a year". Why?
Because that's the only month I billed 200%. thAT's why. No... it's because my fingers just happened to hit on that EXACT combination of letters on the keyboard.
Managing Partner: In response to the question "Have you done anything special to improve your performance this year", you have answered "Yes, I got rid of friends". Why, how did you do that?
What, so you can stick it on a notice board and call it a guideline??
>o< (this is a red bowtie)
What evil twisted world would throw Wahbert's most obnoxious arrogant insufferable red bowtied client right back at her despite moving COUNTRIES? Just goes to show that you can run, but you can never hide... the bowtie will find you.
And he still pronounces "rare" as "leeeehhhh"
And he still pronounces "rare" as "leeeehhhh"
Sunday, July 15, 2007
HR hits aGAin
Gosh, this is turning into quite the HR-bashing blog.. Oh well, they hAD to make it so easy :)
Last Thursday, HR closed the poll on whether we are to have "mineral" or "distilled" water supplied to us.
Apparently out of the 530 staff in the office, 113 prefer distilled water while 97 preferred mineral, summing up with "The rest of you obviously drink whatever we provide."
Recount? Out of the question, it was a landslide. Paper cups will now be available for the rest of you next to the washroom sink.
Last Thursday, HR closed the poll on whether we are to have "mineral" or "distilled" water supplied to us.
Apparently out of the 530 staff in the office, 113 prefer distilled water while 97 preferred mineral, summing up with "The rest of you obviously drink whatever we provide."
Recount? Out of the question, it was a landslide. Paper cups will now be available for the rest of you next to the washroom sink.
Monday, July 09, 2007
I'm back and you're stuck with it
It is a universal truth. Countries and borders, geograpahy and races, laws and history, are all meaningless in the unifying singular force that is EVIL, and they can be found in every organisation, establishment, body corporate - incorporated or unincorporated, in the back office that is Human Resource, where souls get chivvied off at the pointy end of pitch forks to suffer in every small way for all eternity.
Here are the three stories of ours.
Story Number One
The nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China (please imagine patriotic marches and stern salutations as you read this out loud, thank you for your attention) has recently moved towards 5-day working weeks (it's quite amazing, I never would've thought that a nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Adminisarghhfuccckkyougetthebloodyidea, would collectively stand up and say, "let's allow our people to be lazier. Go on, you've all been working yourselves too hard, have one on me" but right they did and here we go. Our firm, grudgingly and hesitatingly as it did, finally sucked in a deep breath and proclaimed, by edict of The Managing Partner, that the World of Wahbert shall henceforth only be operational from 8.30am to 5.30pm MONDAY to FRIDAYS (only, both days inclusive, for the avoidance of doubt).
Followed by a timed 2 beats, an email from the chief troll of HR:
"If you have applied for leave on Saturdays, the half-day will be credited back to your annual leave entitlement. TO THOSE OF YOU who have tendered your resignation(imagine green skin sharp teeth and senegalese soccer victory dance around a fire accompanied by shrieks and cackling) the above does not apply. The privilege only applies to those who remain (loyal) to the firm (Hah, bet you're sorry you resigned now, QuiTtEr, lOOoosERr) (No, dear HR, not really, you can take your half a day and shove it, we're really glad to be going) (but HR only hears the sweet sound of its self-indulgent sense of justice being served, hence the last words, hence
Victory).
Story Number Two
Another email from HR:
"In the coming hot summer months, we adopt a smart casual dress code here in the World of Wahbert. By smart casual we mean SMART. And by that, we mean no jeans, no faded jeans, no ripped jeans, no t-shirts, ABSOLUTELY no t-shirts without collars, no shorts, no miniskirts, no strapless tops, no tubes, no sneakers, no runners, no sportsshoes, no slippers, no thongs..." Oh for, I think I'll just wear a suit.
Story Number Three
Performance Review
It is that time of the year where the powers that be sit across a table the size of France from you from a position of slight levitated height so that they can stare down and secretly call you a chipmunk before you walk through that door. You know that door, the one with a sign that says "Final Judgment" nailed above it. But before you waltz through and mosey with the Almighty, you are required to complete a self-assessment of your performance so far this year. Like making your very own Santa's list. Good or Bad. Your honesty is required, or it's straight to the cauldron with you. Santa knows.
Question 1: What goals did you set for yourself this year? Umm...
Question 2: How did you go about accomplishing your goals? Ahh...
Question 3: What achievements this year are you proud of? Question 4: If you haven't reached your goals, why have you failed? No, wait, I'm still at #1 Question 5: Why have you not worked, billed and collected fifty million dollars for the firm TO DATE?Question 6: Are you a LOSER? Question 7: Are you using up valuable oxygen that are better breathed by more erstwhile employees of the firm??? Noooooo! Please! Spare me! Question 8 : You are obviously a liability to the firm if you cannot even accomplish the childish goals you have set yourself, you are a no good piece of pondscum. Answer me!!! Yes Yes *sob* I am worthless, I have no more pride, confidence or self-esteem.. and because I work a hundred hours a week I also have no friends or a social life, but that's OK, because now I don't need to wear make-up and have made peace with hair loss and breakouts..
I am STILL answering this goddamn questionnaire. With every question I feel my will to live becoming more and more detached from my person. I expect to see my skin drop from it like an emptied sack any time now. Oh shit, my brain is oozing out of my pores! Help!
Here are the three stories of ours.
Story Number One
The nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China (please imagine patriotic marches and stern salutations as you read this out loud, thank you for your attention) has recently moved towards 5-day working weeks (it's quite amazing, I never would've thought that a nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Adminisarghhfuccckkyougetthebloodyidea, would collectively stand up and say, "let's allow our people to be lazier. Go on, you've all been working yourselves too hard, have one on me" but right they did and here we go. Our firm, grudgingly and hesitatingly as it did, finally sucked in a deep breath and proclaimed, by edict of The Managing Partner, that the World of Wahbert shall henceforth only be operational from 8.30am to 5.30pm MONDAY to FRIDAYS (only, both days inclusive, for the avoidance of doubt).
Followed by a timed 2 beats, an email from the chief troll of HR:
"If you have applied for leave on Saturdays, the half-day will be credited back to your annual leave entitlement. TO THOSE OF YOU who have tendered your resignation(imagine green skin sharp teeth and senegalese soccer victory dance around a fire accompanied by shrieks and cackling) the above does not apply. The privilege only applies to those who remain (loyal) to the firm (Hah, bet you're sorry you resigned now, QuiTtEr, lOOoosERr) (No, dear HR, not really, you can take your half a day and shove it, we're really glad to be going) (but HR only hears the sweet sound of its self-indulgent sense of justice being served, hence the last words, hence
Victory).
Story Number Two
Another email from HR:
"In the coming hot summer months, we adopt a smart casual dress code here in the World of Wahbert. By smart casual we mean SMART. And by that, we mean no jeans, no faded jeans, no ripped jeans, no t-shirts, ABSOLUTELY no t-shirts without collars, no shorts, no miniskirts, no strapless tops, no tubes, no sneakers, no runners, no sportsshoes, no slippers, no thongs..." Oh for, I think I'll just wear a suit.
Story Number Three
Performance Review
It is that time of the year where the powers that be sit across a table the size of France from you from a position of slight levitated height so that they can stare down and secretly call you a chipmunk before you walk through that door. You know that door, the one with a sign that says "Final Judgment" nailed above it. But before you waltz through and mosey with the Almighty, you are required to complete a self-assessment of your performance so far this year. Like making your very own Santa's list. Good or Bad. Your honesty is required, or it's straight to the cauldron with you. Santa knows.
Question 1: What goals did you set for yourself this year? Umm...
Question 2: How did you go about accomplishing your goals? Ahh...
Question 3: What achievements this year are you proud of? Question 4: If you haven't reached your goals, why have you failed? No, wait, I'm still at #1 Question 5: Why have you not worked, billed and collected fifty million dollars for the firm TO DATE?Question 6: Are you a LOSER? Question 7: Are you using up valuable oxygen that are better breathed by more erstwhile employees of the firm??? Noooooo! Please! Spare me! Question 8 : You are obviously a liability to the firm if you cannot even accomplish the childish goals you have set yourself, you are a no good piece of pondscum. Answer me!!! Yes Yes *sob* I am worthless, I have no more pride, confidence or self-esteem.. and because I work a hundred hours a week I also have no friends or a social life, but that's OK, because now I don't need to wear make-up and have made peace with hair loss and breakouts..
I am STILL answering this goddamn questionnaire. With every question I feel my will to live becoming more and more detached from my person. I expect to see my skin drop from it like an emptied sack any time now. Oh shit, my brain is oozing out of my pores! Help!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Office Junk
Wow, it's been awhile since I last posted. How are you, World???
I'm not in the habit of reading what I've written, so from memory, the last we have of Wahbert is her flight down some mighty mine shaft to drill oil in the polar ice caps. Would have been nice to say that Wahbert finally made her way to the light at the end of the tunnel and life awashes her in fresh air and dewy sunshine, but that belongs in another blog, na? Well then? Latest from Wahbert: still drilling and boring away in the deep bowels of the earth, although considering the geographical location and the urban planning of this little hell hole, there apparently isn't really much room left underground. Say hello to Hong Kong.
I've been meaning to blog this ever since I received the employees' handbook by courier. This should touch a special chord with those of you out there who, like myself, have a desk that resembles nothing so much as a bureaucratic volcano that in a fit of hiccough, spewed paper. And there it was, in neat double-spaced typeset font, snuggled right between "DRESS CODE" and "MEDICAL" on page 35, appeared the two sinister little words... "OFFICE JUNK". Stark, unembellished, uncompromising. Wahbert's heart caught, but she read on.
"The ballot for the office junk Ottery will be held every Friday at 3 p.m."
Two separate thoughts vied for pre-eminence at this moment in Wahbert's mind. (One) The bastards are going to confiscate my stuff and lottery it off every Friday afternoon??? Motherfu%#*&$.. (Two) Something is bothering me about the typing.. followed quickly by another (purely by habit of profession) thought we shall label: (Three) Junk by whOSE definition??????
Again, let me welcome you to Hong Kong, where law firms and random wealthy people have little fibreglass cruiseliners marooned in the harbour, quaintly known as "junks" in the true Chinese tradition. Ours' called "Ottery".
Damn.
I'm not in the habit of reading what I've written, so from memory, the last we have of Wahbert is her flight down some mighty mine shaft to drill oil in the polar ice caps. Would have been nice to say that Wahbert finally made her way to the light at the end of the tunnel and life awashes her in fresh air and dewy sunshine, but that belongs in another blog, na? Well then? Latest from Wahbert: still drilling and boring away in the deep bowels of the earth, although considering the geographical location and the urban planning of this little hell hole, there apparently isn't really much room left underground. Say hello to Hong Kong.
I've been meaning to blog this ever since I received the employees' handbook by courier. This should touch a special chord with those of you out there who, like myself, have a desk that resembles nothing so much as a bureaucratic volcano that in a fit of hiccough, spewed paper. And there it was, in neat double-spaced typeset font, snuggled right between "DRESS CODE" and "MEDICAL" on page 35, appeared the two sinister little words... "OFFICE JUNK". Stark, unembellished, uncompromising. Wahbert's heart caught, but she read on.
"The ballot for the office junk Ottery will be held every Friday at 3 p.m."
Two separate thoughts vied for pre-eminence at this moment in Wahbert's mind. (One) The bastards are going to confiscate my stuff and lottery it off every Friday afternoon??? Motherfu%#*&$.. (Two) Something is bothering me about the typing.. followed quickly by another (purely by habit of profession) thought we shall label: (Three) Junk by whOSE definition??????
Again, let me welcome you to Hong Kong, where law firms and random wealthy people have little fibreglass cruiseliners marooned in the harbour, quaintly known as "junks" in the true Chinese tradition. Ours' called "Ottery".
Damn.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The Bert is Back!
Ladiessssss and Gentlemen!
The long awaited return of....
*drumroll*
Wahbert! New, improved, bigger and better!
and still stuck in the same old routine.
Well kiddos, after a 5 month (or was it 6? 7?) absence, it seems that Wahbert will be rejoining the workforce! This is the job that has been offered to Wahbert:
If you picture the firm as an oil exploration company, basically what they are doing is hauling their asses to the North Pole, and Wahbert is to join them on the expedition. When they get there, they're going to locate a piece of the Arctic about the size of a fifty cents coin, and start drilling two kilometres down, hoping to strike oil. What makes them drill at that spot? Someone told them it's a good idea and they're hoping it's true. Will they in fact find oil? Who knows. If they did, would there be enough oil to justify the cost of the expedition? One can hope.
So Wahbert, intrepid explorer of world unknown, lawyer turn oil driller, is about to embark on a new and unexpected adventure! Stay tuned for more. The journey begins when the immigration department issues its work permit!
The long awaited return of....
*drumroll*
Wahbert! New, improved, bigger and better!
and still stuck in the same old routine.
Well kiddos, after a 5 month (or was it 6? 7?) absence, it seems that Wahbert will be rejoining the workforce! This is the job that has been offered to Wahbert:
If you picture the firm as an oil exploration company, basically what they are doing is hauling their asses to the North Pole, and Wahbert is to join them on the expedition. When they get there, they're going to locate a piece of the Arctic about the size of a fifty cents coin, and start drilling two kilometres down, hoping to strike oil. What makes them drill at that spot? Someone told them it's a good idea and they're hoping it's true. Will they in fact find oil? Who knows. If they did, would there be enough oil to justify the cost of the expedition? One can hope.
So Wahbert, intrepid explorer of world unknown, lawyer turn oil driller, is about to embark on a new and unexpected adventure! Stay tuned for more. The journey begins when the immigration department issues its work permit!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Wahbert has left the building... then turned around and burnt it down
Did you hear about the cataclysmic event that rent the World of Wahbert asunder?
It happened when Wahbert slammed the door a little too hard leaving the building ;)
Yup, Wahbert woke up one day and decided that she felt strongly enough about quitting... so she did. It was a long time coming anyway. For the record, Wahbert really did take her stapler home for good measure.
Anyway, this marks the end of WoW, until things start happening in my life again... then I'll call this "a chapter". Until then, even Wahbert has difficulty making "wake up at noon, check emails, eat and sleep" come to life.
But readers, check this space. Wahbert has been asked to temp in a school. Can you imagine? Wahbert would have an entire generation as blogging fodder. It could be the start of Wahbert's very own tardblog! Better still, Wahbert sees the start of her prefab angpow production line. Perhaps the job is not such a bad idea.......
It happened when Wahbert slammed the door a little too hard leaving the building ;)
Yup, Wahbert woke up one day and decided that she felt strongly enough about quitting... so she did. It was a long time coming anyway. For the record, Wahbert really did take her stapler home for good measure.
Anyway, this marks the end of WoW, until things start happening in my life again... then I'll call this "a chapter". Until then, even Wahbert has difficulty making "wake up at noon, check emails, eat and sleep" come to life.
But readers, check this space. Wahbert has been asked to temp in a school. Can you imagine? Wahbert would have an entire generation as blogging fodder. It could be the start of Wahbert's very own tardblog! Better still, Wahbert sees the start of her prefab angpow production line. Perhaps the job is not such a bad idea.......
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The Queen's Cunning
Ever heard the story of a farmer who found out that someone had been stealing watermelons from his garden? He couldn't catch the wily thief, so one day, he put up a sign that said "one of these melons is poisoned".
What goes for watermelons apparently also goes for due diligence reports.
Yesterday, one of the partners sent Wahbert to ask the Queen for a due diligence report that she had prepared for a client, despite allegations that he had stolen the client from the Queen. This other partner was going to use the Queen's report and just update it, rather than doing the work from scratch. He gets to do this to the Queen because the poor Queen has inadvertently incurred the wrath of the Master of the Universe, Supreme Ruler of WoW.
The Queen was in a truly precarious position. There is a charge of treason hanging above her head and the King all but has a knife at her throat. With her hands tied, the Queen was in no position to refuse handing over the report. But the Queen did not become Queen by being easily cowed. She looked at Wahbert calmly and said, "You can have it, but the minute you open it, you will be subject to a higher standard of care because you may find all sorts of things in the report that you would not otherwise have."
The result? The other partner will be doing his own due diligence without using the Queen's report and the Queen cannot be said to have refused to cooperate. Long live the Queen!
What goes for watermelons apparently also goes for due diligence reports.
Yesterday, one of the partners sent Wahbert to ask the Queen for a due diligence report that she had prepared for a client, despite allegations that he had stolen the client from the Queen. This other partner was going to use the Queen's report and just update it, rather than doing the work from scratch. He gets to do this to the Queen because the poor Queen has inadvertently incurred the wrath of the Master of the Universe, Supreme Ruler of WoW.
The Queen was in a truly precarious position. There is a charge of treason hanging above her head and the King all but has a knife at her throat. With her hands tied, the Queen was in no position to refuse handing over the report. But the Queen did not become Queen by being easily cowed. She looked at Wahbert calmly and said, "You can have it, but the minute you open it, you will be subject to a higher standard of care because you may find all sorts of things in the report that you would not otherwise have."
The result? The other partner will be doing his own due diligence without using the Queen's report and the Queen cannot be said to have refused to cooperate. Long live the Queen!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I hate merchant bankers
Wahbert just came back from a meeting with further proof of why she dislike merchant bankers.
A point of law came up for discussion, and the merchant banker cut it off by saying "that may be so, but we are not here for a legal debate with you. In our experience, the Commission takes a different view" Later on during the meeting, the client again had another point of law to discuss, so she directed the question at the merchant banker and said, "with your dearth of experience, what do you think?" and the merchant banker happily prattled on about what he kNoWs the Commission would say or do.
Dearth, of course, means a scarcity or lack of... in other words, that big gaping hole where experience should be.
A point of law came up for discussion, and the merchant banker cut it off by saying "that may be so, but we are not here for a legal debate with you. In our experience, the Commission takes a different view" Later on during the meeting, the client again had another point of law to discuss, so she directed the question at the merchant banker and said, "with your dearth of experience, what do you think?" and the merchant banker happily prattled on about what he kNoWs the Commission would say or do.
Dearth, of course, means a scarcity or lack of... in other words, that big gaping hole where experience should be.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
usually im quite nice... really!
Today, Wahbert receives an email attaching pictures of a dozen homeless dogs that are in need of shelter. Wahbert does not like said sender and finds email annoying. Wahbert sends link to http://www.petsorfood.com
Somehow I just know that it's moments like these that will come back to haunt me when I'm old alone miserable and wondering why :)
Somehow I just know that it's moments like these that will come back to haunt me when I'm old alone miserable and wondering why :)
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Battle of the Corporate Floor
A long long time ago Wahbert had a kingdom in an online game - Utopia. In memory of a general that died in one of the many battles fought in Utopia, Wahbert wrote a poem "Evermore". Ten years later and shackled in the drab space of WoW, Wahbert finds herself faced with another desperate situation.
Battle of the Corporate Floor
This is a story of an old old war,
About the soldiers of the Corporate Floor;
It goes on today like it did before,
Like history caught in a revolving door.
The soldiers have traded in their armour plate,
To fight in pinstriped suits on an hourly rate;
But fight we did and long do we wait,
For the final outcome - our partnership fate.
It was the year two thousand and six
The soldiers crumbled like rotten sticks;
Some deserted in search of better picks,
Others down with illnesses the docs can't fix.
So from a dozen men we are down to five,
Not that anyone can tell if we're dead or alive;
But still the generals struggle and strive
to put off a much needed recruitment drive.
The five of us we are the Corporate's best,
We are the ones who withstood the test;
With only five can you compete with the rest?
Only five? Hah! We could do with less!
Watch us clinch our clients another deal,
Help 'em wipe out competition at a steal;
Once we smack on it the company seal,
If they dispute we'll go for the appeal.
Onward march thy Corporate army!
To the bold and stalwart, eternal glory!
Seize the day and claim your victory,
Before you're overdue for heart surgery.
We will march when we hear the battle cry,
O'er mountains high and through valleys dry;
We might hide some murders, swindle and lie,
But we're the Corporate soldiers and we'll never die!
Battle of the Corporate Floor
This is a story of an old old war,
About the soldiers of the Corporate Floor;
It goes on today like it did before,
Like history caught in a revolving door.
The soldiers have traded in their armour plate,
To fight in pinstriped suits on an hourly rate;
But fight we did and long do we wait,
For the final outcome - our partnership fate.
It was the year two thousand and six
The soldiers crumbled like rotten sticks;
Some deserted in search of better picks,
Others down with illnesses the docs can't fix.
So from a dozen men we are down to five,
Not that anyone can tell if we're dead or alive;
But still the generals struggle and strive
to put off a much needed recruitment drive.
The five of us we are the Corporate's best,
We are the ones who withstood the test;
With only five can you compete with the rest?
Only five? Hah! We could do with less!
Watch us clinch our clients another deal,
Help 'em wipe out competition at a steal;
Once we smack on it the company seal,
If they dispute we'll go for the appeal.
Onward march thy Corporate army!
To the bold and stalwart, eternal glory!
Seize the day and claim your victory,
Before you're overdue for heart surgery.
We will march when we hear the battle cry,
O'er mountains high and through valleys dry;
We might hide some murders, swindle and lie,
But we're the Corporate soldiers and we'll never die!
Thursday, February 16, 2006
fffflippp
You know those books you have when you're young where if you flip the corner of the pages you get a little moving picture? Like the one with Pooh shagging Eeyore or OOOops.. I mean, the one with the kid on a swing? Well you know what I mean.
Today, a partner came into Wahbert's room and started flipping the corner of Wahbert's Companies Act, which had the great misfortune of being on her desk. As he was speaking (and flipping), Wahbert just stared and stared at her book with her mouth twisted in distaste until the partner desisted with the offending act.
The point of this post is....
What should Wahbert start drawing in the corner of every page...?
Today, a partner came into Wahbert's room and started flipping the corner of Wahbert's Companies Act, which had the great misfortune of being on her desk. As he was speaking (and flipping), Wahbert just stared and stared at her book with her mouth twisted in distaste until the partner desisted with the offending act.
The point of this post is....
What should Wahbert start drawing in the corner of every page...?
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