Wahbert came to work in a pretty skirt and a pink cardigan. Imagine a walking botanical gardens and you pretty much have it. Halfway through the day, Wahbert received an urgent call for her to attend a meeting in a client's manufacturing facility.
Upon arrival at the security checkpoint, Wahbert was told by the security guard, "You must button up your top fully! They are very strict here!" and she proceeded to do it for Wahbert, then clipping a security tag right under Wahbert's throat. What was Wahbert doing through all this? Honestly, Wahbert was too stumped to do much beyond gaping at her.
Then Wahbert was led to the building, where people were milling about with blue plastic bags on their feet. Newcomers silently approached a large metal dispenser stuffed with similar plastic bags (which looked a lot like oval shaped shower caps) and mechanically donned on the blue plastic. What is the deal??? Wahbert was consumed with the feeling that she has stumbled upon a Marxist stronghold where entire proletarian populations are churned out with every batch of microchips manufactured.
AHA! So that is where the communists fled after the post-war insurgence! Wahbert will consider approaching their leader to rise against the tyranny of wealth by utterly destroying the embodiment of capitalism - Valentines Day.
By the way, let it be for the record that NOTHING goes with blue shower caps on your feet.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Bad Investment
Wahbert recently learnt that blue chips are for chipmunks.
It happened like this:
Times have not been good and the market shaky, but every so often people become restless with the same balance in their bank accounts. Wahbert is no different and a particular counter caught her eye. The company is well-established, loaded and very much sought after. Something like investing in national oil and gas companies. In short, Wahbert was impatient to invest and the counter looked pretty damn good.
Like most blue chip stocks, the cost of investment was high. But Wahbert thought, what the hell, the investment will pay for itself in less than no time, so Wahbert bought.
At the beginning, the company was performing and prospects looked good. Most of all, Wahbert loved the idea of holding blue chip stock. It was empowering. After awhile though, Wahbert began to notice that the controllers were not always accountable. Furthermore, the company absolutely refused to declare dividends, even though it was making money and had massive reserves! Worst of all, Wahbert realised that she was only a minority interest and the company treats its minority interest like dirt.
Readers, choose your ending:
Ending One
The next time Wahbert thinks to "make her money grow", she will put it in topsoil and water daily.
Ending Two
I wonder in how many more ways I can objectify and disparage the Stapler.
It happened like this:
Times have not been good and the market shaky, but every so often people become restless with the same balance in their bank accounts. Wahbert is no different and a particular counter caught her eye. The company is well-established, loaded and very much sought after. Something like investing in national oil and gas companies. In short, Wahbert was impatient to invest and the counter looked pretty damn good.
Like most blue chip stocks, the cost of investment was high. But Wahbert thought, what the hell, the investment will pay for itself in less than no time, so Wahbert bought.
At the beginning, the company was performing and prospects looked good. Most of all, Wahbert loved the idea of holding blue chip stock. It was empowering. After awhile though, Wahbert began to notice that the controllers were not always accountable. Furthermore, the company absolutely refused to declare dividends, even though it was making money and had massive reserves! Worst of all, Wahbert realised that she was only a minority interest and the company treats its minority interest like dirt.
Readers, choose your ending:
Ending One
The next time Wahbert thinks to "make her money grow", she will put it in topsoil and water daily.
Ending Two
I wonder in how many more ways I can objectify and disparage the Stapler.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Prefab Angpows
Christmas and New Year just passed and Wahbert is counting the days until the Chinese New Year and the public holidays that come with it. One WoW-ian was commenting on how much she was looking forward to the actual preparation leading up to CNY. Wahbert remembers a time long ago when she actually enjoyed shopping for CNY goodies, decorating the house and helping her mom wrap "angpows", little red packets with moolah in em. Good stuff.
Thinking back, Wahbert cannot for the life of her imagine what thrill there is to be gotten from sealing away good money to be given to random strangers, particularly when it is her inheritance that is going into it. But Wahbert supposes that since it has been done for centuries it must continue to be so. Far be it for Wahbert to stand in the way of tradition, especially when Wahbert is still on the receiving end. But the actual task of filling angpows, now that is a different story, a needless senseless task. so Wahbert got this idea. Since it is always brand new crisp notes that people want and you have to go to the bank to get those, and since the banks are the ones who supply most of the red packets, why not prefab the angpows? Picture this:
Man goes up to cashier and say, I want to break this RM100 note into fivers and could I have some red packets please. Imagine how delighted he would be if the cashier gives him 20 little red packets each tenderly filled with a crisp RM5 note, neatly folded and sealed to perfection? After all, isn't consistency the beauty of mass-production? The bank earns the customer's goodwill, Wahbert gets some holiday money from the bank. Everybody's happy.
Wahbert's production line will consist of a bunch of children (highly trained in the ancient art of paper-folding), chopsticks and glue. Perhaps Wahbert will charge parents a daycare fee for taking on the kids. Perhaps not, Wahbert is in a festive mood. Naturally the children will be paid... in candy. If they're good.
Thinking back, Wahbert cannot for the life of her imagine what thrill there is to be gotten from sealing away good money to be given to random strangers, particularly when it is her inheritance that is going into it. But Wahbert supposes that since it has been done for centuries it must continue to be so. Far be it for Wahbert to stand in the way of tradition, especially when Wahbert is still on the receiving end. But the actual task of filling angpows, now that is a different story, a needless senseless task. so Wahbert got this idea. Since it is always brand new crisp notes that people want and you have to go to the bank to get those, and since the banks are the ones who supply most of the red packets, why not prefab the angpows? Picture this:
Man goes up to cashier and say, I want to break this RM100 note into fivers and could I have some red packets please. Imagine how delighted he would be if the cashier gives him 20 little red packets each tenderly filled with a crisp RM5 note, neatly folded and sealed to perfection? After all, isn't consistency the beauty of mass-production? The bank earns the customer's goodwill, Wahbert gets some holiday money from the bank. Everybody's happy.
Wahbert's production line will consist of a bunch of children (highly trained in the ancient art of paper-folding), chopsticks and glue. Perhaps Wahbert will charge parents a daycare fee for taking on the kids. Perhaps not, Wahbert is in a festive mood. Naturally the children will be paid... in candy. If they're good.
Friday, December 09, 2005
The Death of Kichirat
Wahbert has a client named fondly known as Kichirat. Random Boss no. 52 caused the death of Kichirat yesterday......
Kichirat is a Japanese national and the head of legal of a multinational corporation. Random Boss no. 52 ("RB52") was handling an assignment for the MNC and was taking his own sweet time about it. By the end of the third week and still not having gotten a response, Kichirat sent RB52 an email seeking his reply immediately.
Now RB52's favourite delay tactic is to zoom in on one small issue and spin it round and round until you have a problem the size of the second World War, and as if things were not bad enough, he will tell you that it is a reputational risk. It seems words like "reputational risk" "compliance" and "good governance" are very sexy terms in the industry at present. Luckily for RB52, he got his break on about the third page of the document (it only took him 5 minutes!), where Kichirat had made a tiny mistake.
The first thing RB52 did was call every lawyer involved in the transaction to sit in on the call, muttering to himself all the time and looking very grave indeed. Then he called Kichirat and told Kichirat that in all his career he had not seen something like that, and that if someone were to have an issue with it what would Kichirat say to the court? Would Kichirat have an answer? Was Kichirat trying to hide something? Is Kichirat not the leader of this exercise? What would happen to Kichirat and the MNC if it were discovered that the MNC is doing this? Was Kichirat prepared to bring the MNC into disrepute?
All this time Wahbert sat there picturing the headlines in the Japan Times - Top Legal Exec of MNC Committed Harakiri. Body found at desk. Last saw on the phone with Malaysian counsel.
Kichirat is a Japanese national and the head of legal of a multinational corporation. Random Boss no. 52 ("RB52") was handling an assignment for the MNC and was taking his own sweet time about it. By the end of the third week and still not having gotten a response, Kichirat sent RB52 an email seeking his reply immediately.
Now RB52's favourite delay tactic is to zoom in on one small issue and spin it round and round until you have a problem the size of the second World War, and as if things were not bad enough, he will tell you that it is a reputational risk. It seems words like "reputational risk" "compliance" and "good governance" are very sexy terms in the industry at present. Luckily for RB52, he got his break on about the third page of the document (it only took him 5 minutes!), where Kichirat had made a tiny mistake.
The first thing RB52 did was call every lawyer involved in the transaction to sit in on the call, muttering to himself all the time and looking very grave indeed. Then he called Kichirat and told Kichirat that in all his career he had not seen something like that, and that if someone were to have an issue with it what would Kichirat say to the court? Would Kichirat have an answer? Was Kichirat trying to hide something? Is Kichirat not the leader of this exercise? What would happen to Kichirat and the MNC if it were discovered that the MNC is doing this? Was Kichirat prepared to bring the MNC into disrepute?
All this time Wahbert sat there picturing the headlines in the Japan Times - Top Legal Exec of MNC Committed Harakiri. Body found at desk. Last saw on the phone with Malaysian counsel.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Watch what you say and to whom you say it
Today, an articled clerk told Wahbert that the Stapler is "nice". Wahbert made a mental note to criticise her work. Clearly the girl demonstrates poor judgment.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I don't speak legalese
There's this thing called globalisation that Wahbert keeps hearing about. More than once Wahbert has heard people say "the waves of globalisation are lapping at our shores, you have to synergise, advance, progress with the time". Heck, if it's only lapping at your shores, what's the big deal? In fact, the whole idea sounds like it's perfect for a little dip in the sea on a balmy day. It's not like they said "Goddamn globalisation is hitting us like a goddamn tsunami and you better do something goddamn quick or you're goddamn gone".
Such was Wahbert's complacency that Wahbert had never bothered much with the lapping waves of globalisation. Then comes today. Wahbert had two meetings scheduled. The first was with a delegation from the Government of Mali. The second with representatives of client from Japan.
The first of the delegate to enter the room was a mighty lady over six feet tall and made Wahbert feel quite small. She was dressed in a bright yellow robe with fancy prints and crowned with a matching turban and made Wahbert feel quite drab (Wahbert was in pinstripe). Three other impressive looking gentlemen followed. The meeting progressed in French, and Wahbert was asked to translate. This Wahbert found quite difficult, as her mind was filled with images of cocoa trees and bananas ever since the lady first walked in.
As for the second meeting, suffice to say that Wahbert does not speak a word of Japanese and the meeting involved a lot of chattering and bowing on their part and a lot of blank stares from Wahbert. Possibly they expected Wahbert to bow with every stare. Wahbert told them she had a bad back. Possibly they did not understand.
Wahbert has decided that globalisation was a lot more fun as a concept, with a pina colada on the side.
Such was Wahbert's complacency that Wahbert had never bothered much with the lapping waves of globalisation. Then comes today. Wahbert had two meetings scheduled. The first was with a delegation from the Government of Mali. The second with representatives of client from Japan.
The first of the delegate to enter the room was a mighty lady over six feet tall and made Wahbert feel quite small. She was dressed in a bright yellow robe with fancy prints and crowned with a matching turban and made Wahbert feel quite drab (Wahbert was in pinstripe). Three other impressive looking gentlemen followed. The meeting progressed in French, and Wahbert was asked to translate. This Wahbert found quite difficult, as her mind was filled with images of cocoa trees and bananas ever since the lady first walked in.
As for the second meeting, suffice to say that Wahbert does not speak a word of Japanese and the meeting involved a lot of chattering and bowing on their part and a lot of blank stares from Wahbert. Possibly they expected Wahbert to bow with every stare. Wahbert told them she had a bad back. Possibly they did not understand.
Wahbert has decided that globalisation was a lot more fun as a concept, with a pina colada on the side.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Encapsulating Happiness
Wahbert went to bed happy on Sunday night.
It was a weird fuzzy feeling, like you are completely at peace with the world, and the simple act of going to sleep when you are feeling sleepy overwhelms you with a kind of joy that can only be derived from appreciation of simple things.
It was inexplicable and wonderful at the same time.
This morning, on her way to work, Wahbert remembered that she took an antihistamine half an hour before she went to bed.
It was a weird fuzzy feeling, like you are completely at peace with the world, and the simple act of going to sleep when you are feeling sleepy overwhelms you with a kind of joy that can only be derived from appreciation of simple things.
It was inexplicable and wonderful at the same time.
This morning, on her way to work, Wahbert remembered that she took an antihistamine half an hour before she went to bed.
Remember the Gorillas
Did I ever tell you what happened to the baby gorillas* ?
As expected, some died (or not, this is an assumption based on the fact that Wahbert has not seen them ever since they left), but some proved surprisingly resilient, adapting to the fluoro-greyness of the World of Wahbert. They assimilated and integrated with the People, thriving on paperwork and sustaining on black coffee.
And so we have Gorillas in the Midst.
har har.
* 30/10/04 Post
As expected, some died (or not, this is an assumption based on the fact that Wahbert has not seen them ever since they left), but some proved surprisingly resilient, adapting to the fluoro-greyness of the World of Wahbert. They assimilated and integrated with the People, thriving on paperwork and sustaining on black coffee.
And so we have Gorillas in the Midst.
har har.
* 30/10/04 Post
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Drink Drink Till You Die
Wahbert had a wretched weekend. As you may be aware, torture can come in various forms, like feeding prisoners lobster, three times a day, every day, for the duration of his incarceration, let's say, life.
It began on Friday, with the Powers That Be plying the People of WoW with cocktails by the Mandarin Oriental poolside. You are surrounded by friends, the setting was nice and the alcohol plenty...... with the Powers that Be watching and observing your every move. The smarter People of WoW quickly realised that the cocktails could not have been for the benefit of the People (a realisation strongly supported by past trends) and were circumspect. Unfortunately for Wahbert, she is not one of the smarter People. After about two drinks, Wahbert conveniently forgot that the Powers that Be were omnipresent.
Wahbert would spend Saturday alternating between holding her head, hugging her middle and rolling on the bed groaning all the time.
Yes, the Powers that Be can be unkind.
It began on Friday, with the Powers That Be plying the People of WoW with cocktails by the Mandarin Oriental poolside. You are surrounded by friends, the setting was nice and the alcohol plenty...... with the Powers that Be watching and observing your every move. The smarter People of WoW quickly realised that the cocktails could not have been for the benefit of the People (a realisation strongly supported by past trends) and were circumspect. Unfortunately for Wahbert, she is not one of the smarter People. After about two drinks, Wahbert conveniently forgot that the Powers that Be were omnipresent.
Wahbert would spend Saturday alternating between holding her head, hugging her middle and rolling on the bed groaning all the time.
Yes, the Powers that Be can be unkind.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
NO THANK YOU!
Wahbert is annoyed. Wahbert is annoyed with people who say "Thanks" before they say "Please". This is usually the case when they are asking you to do something. To those who do not know it, "Thanks" is not a polite way to REQUEST! It suggests to Wahbert that you are presumptious and expect whatever it is will be done. And while I'm ranting, "Could you do something for me" should be punctuated with a question mark and not a goddamn full stop!
And Random Bosses should be punctuated with bullet holes.
And Random Bosses should be punctuated with bullet holes.
Caught
Wahbert fears she may have been exposed. Lately her colleagues have been mentioning the word "stapler" a lot... like, "I'm going to steal your stapler"... or "Give me your stapler, I like bright shiny things" Crap. Wahbert had better lay low for awhile.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Grave Insult
Wahbert had plans for the night. She was going out on a "not-a-date" with this guy whom she met during her exile to the borderlands where they were required to keep marauders from crossing the border (some people call it repatriating illegal immigrants, whatever).
Guy called up in the afternoon and tried to postpone the "not-a-date" because he had to go overland to visit the grave of some dead relatives. Wahbert is insulted. They're already dead. Why should they care if Guy goes today or tomorrow? Wahbert on the other hand made plans to leave work early. Now Wahbert has to make plans to leave work early tomorrow. That's a lot of plans being made. Clearly Guy in his hermit ways does not comprehend the sacrifices Wahbert makes in leaving work early.
Guy called up in the afternoon and tried to postpone the "not-a-date" because he had to go overland to visit the grave of some dead relatives. Wahbert is insulted. They're already dead. Why should they care if Guy goes today or tomorrow? Wahbert on the other hand made plans to leave work early. Now Wahbert has to make plans to leave work early tomorrow. That's a lot of plans being made. Clearly Guy in his hermit ways does not comprehend the sacrifices Wahbert makes in leaving work early.
Monday, October 24, 2005
B is for...
Blister!
Random Boss No. 97 came into Wahbert's room and commiserated over Wahbert's dilemma about whether or not to go for surgery. He recounted his own painful story of when he had a blister on his foot, going into details of whether he should have burst it with a needle or have a doctor look at it. That's right. Save it for the doctor.
Not very long ago, same Random Boss had stripped off his shoe and sock to show a (arguably different) blister on his foot to the Queen.
Random Boss No. 97 came into Wahbert's room and commiserated over Wahbert's dilemma about whether or not to go for surgery. He recounted his own painful story of when he had a blister on his foot, going into details of whether he should have burst it with a needle or have a doctor look at it. That's right. Save it for the doctor.
Not very long ago, same Random Boss had stripped off his shoe and sock to show a (arguably different) blister on his foot to the Queen.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Rumours
Random Boss no. 103 came into Wahbert's room and inquired after her tonsils, possibly due to the rumour that Wahbert had had her tonsils stolen while travelling in Vietnam. The rumour actually originated from two conflicting stories that somehow merged to become one as rumours do. One says Wahbert had gotten her tonsils removed. Another one says that Wahbert went to Vietnam. Over time, where the two rumours could be interpreted to co-exist, they did. Namely that the tonsils were removed in Vietnam. Did Wahbert suddenly have a killer tonsilitis attack that needed immediate surgery and a former Viet Cong wielding a curved knife had to perform the surgery notwithstanding that his legs had been blasted off during the War? No, Wahbert ate a dodgy bowl of Pho and then everything went blurry and when she woke up her tonsils were gone!
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Specimen Wahbert
The Queen came in and just stared at Wahbert at close range for 5 doggone minutes because Wahbert had cut her hair. Then she called Wahbert a lizard.
Yup, the Queen has returned.
Yup, the Queen has returned.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
McBert
Recently came to Wahbert a revelation why her life is an endless toil.
Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.
So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!
(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )
Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub
Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.
So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!
(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )
Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub
Thursday, September 22, 2005
How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways
The tea lady is on medical leave. The kettle is empty. The water cooler is empty. The nearest oasis is located in a snakepit across the road known as HSBC. Worse, Wahbert is not getting her coffee. And now Wahbert has had her USB privileges stripped away by the IT Nazis. Even the USB mouse had to go. Wahbert needs to move to a more user-friendly environment.
The coup begins with the IT rats
The Elders have departed to make their yearly pilgrimage in search for enlightenment atonement greater wisdom so on so forth. The people contemplated staging a coup whilst the Elders are away (the best idea by far was to change the lock).
Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.
Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Fade to grey
Three of the locals decided to all show up in varying shades of grey from head to toe today. Standing side by side, Wahbert, Moron 2 and the Little One personify the term "Made to Fade". It's past 5 o'clock. Wahbert thinks she'll lie down and blend in with the carpet for awhile.
In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.
In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Survivor (Part III) - Eyebrows made me do it!!!
By the end of the second night (shortly after the 1st and 2nd lines of offense began their self-destruction), Wahbert found herself snogging The Stapler again *groan*. Wahbert firmly believes that this momentary lapse of judgment was a result of her eyebrows looking good that evening, thanks to the amazing efforts put in by her soulmate. The eyebrows made me do it!!!
Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???
Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???
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