Survivor (Part II) - Self-Destruct

Then comes the night of judgment. This was the night where they separate the men from the boys (or the workaholics from the alcoholics) with free flow alcohol all night long.

Now, a sort of feud has been going on between the Loud Mouths and the Paper Pushers (also known as the Litigation department and the Corporate department respectively) since time immemorial. It might have originated from the fact that they thought we come to work too late and we thought they leave work too early.... or because one of their elders looked at ours funny. Anyway, no one really remembers, but every year, the tribes meet and try to drink each other under the table in some sort of a battle for supremacy. This year, the Paper Pushers recruited Wahbert and the Little One. Wahbert was designated as 2nd line of offence whilst Little One was the 1st.

Unfortunately, before the battle got started, the 1st line of offence met the 2nd line and decided to self-destruct. It was a black black day in the history of the Paper Pushers.

Survivor (Part I) - Slippery Senorita

The omnipotent Gods in the World of Wahbert have decided that it was time that the people of WoW be sent on a journey to perdition. So last weekend, the people were exiled to a remote island 300 miles away from civilisation, under the guise of "Annual Dinner Getaway to Penang".

On the first night, Wahbert, Moron 1 and Moron 2 (whom you may recall from an earlier post) and other inconsequential WoW beings decided that perhaps if they injected massive quantities of intoxicating substances into their system, they would find the whole perdition experience kind of fun. So the bunch of us went down to a local watering hole called "Slippery Senorita" (We thought the name sounded promising. Don't ask.)

Not long after we got there, Moron 2 managed to pick up two girls, sisters. After a few minutes, he found out their names. It was "Sugar" and "Honey". Pleased to meet you. I'm Diabetic.

Few more minutes later, Wahbert found out something else. There was a rule in this club whereby you are not allowed to stray more than 3 feet beyond the bar if you have a cigarette and/or a drink in your hand. Each time Wahbert wandered beyond the imaginary 3 feet line, some guy in a suit and armed with a walkie-talkie would shoo her back.

Wahbert was effectively confined behind invisible bars the whole night with Sugar and Honey.

The Art of Giving

When Wahbert was little, her cousin used to have a revolving door style of dating. He could never seem to keep his girlfriends for more than a year. So rather than spending money on Christmas gifts each year on his latest fancy, Wahbert used to tell the lovely lady that next year, she will get two Christmas presents instead. They thought it was cute. Wahbert knew better.

Needless to say they never got to spend a second Christmas at Wahbert's house.

The Wahbert Guide to Breaking Up Nicely

... so the story left off with The Stapler giving Wahbert tonsillitis. Wahbert now requires surgery and is feeling all the shittier for it. Anyhoo The Stapler kicked Wahbert in the guts last night by declaring that it is in fact a piece of stationery incapable of affection warmth or companionship. Wahbert secretly plans to torch the supply cabinet.

And so The Stapler went on its spiel about how perfect its life is as a stapler and how things were getting complicated. (No shit. You're a stapler!) Basically all Wahbert heard was "Clack Clack Clack... I'm a schmuck. Clack Clack Clack ... I'm a real schmuck. Clack Clack Clack Clack... Clack Clack Clack "

When a guy says "what do you think?" "are you ok with this?" in a break-up scenario, don't stroke his ego with a tearful "Whyyyyyyyyyy" or "Can't we give it another try". Break-ups are not a democratic process. It is legal to unilaterally terminate a relationship. Unless you are married, then it's just more hassle. Be classy, be vicious if need be. For Wahbert, the latter comes naturally...

S : "Hey your security guards let me in without asking any questions!"
W: "Don't worry, they now have instructions to shoot on sight."

S : "I've never seen your car!" (What kind of preposterous remark is that given the circumstances?!)
W: "Wait right here. I'll go get the keys and you can have a view of my car coming at you at high speed."

Romancing the Stationery

I think the firm owes a duty to attach health warnings to office supplies.

I mean, you get papercuts from letterheads, we have incidents of staff stabbing themselves with pencils (accidentally, that is) and quite recently, the Stapler gave Wahbert tonsillitis. Geez man, enough is enough!!!

The Queen and I - Hide and Seek

Over the past month, Wahbert has been seeking audience with the Queen quite frequently. Various matters of State, from the farmer who needed restructuring of farmyard animals to the guy down the street who runs an investment bank. Wahbert secretly delighted in plastering the Queen with petitions as soon as the Queen alights upon her throne each day. Just now, Wahbert caught the Queen trying to hide under her table as Wahbert entered the room.

Wahbert is starting to feel that maybe the Queen doesn't want to see her. Nah......

The Stapler

Often when people leave employment, they take with them a souvenir from the job... with staplers possibly topping the list of most popular items to go missing.

Wahbert has been considering a career change. There is this guy in the firm, whom Wahbert now privately refers to as.... The Stapler.

nowhere to hide

Wahbert slept.

Wahbert dreamt.

Of stock manipulation.

The Queen and Corn

The Queen has developed a thing for force-feeding her underlings with corn on the cob. It's been 4 days straight and she's still bringing them.... urghh..

ADD

Due to prolonged exposure to hopeless tasks and monotonous workmates, Wahbert has developed the attention span of a kid with ADD. Wahbert now alternates pretending to listen to the constant yakkity yak with using their heads as target practice for javelin throws (with pens).

if he's cute and blond

Alan Smith has joined the firm. Heh heh heh heh. Btw, neener neener to Manchester United! Arsenal rulessssssss!

Meet the Puke

As Star Wars fever grips the World of Wahbert, Wahbert takes the opportunity to introduce a "thingy" named after a prominent Star Wars character, better known as Skywalker. Here in the World of Wahbert, he's known as "The Puke".

Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....

Revenge of the Bride

After 7 years under the rule of the Queen, the Bride finally decided that being the wife of an investment banker is less cruel punishment. And so the people of the World of Wahbert were invited to be present in a grand dinner affair involving lilac-coloured everything.

Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.

Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???

Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.

The Wahbert Memorial Wing

Today, they decided to accord Wahbert the recognition she deserves by actually naming a corner of the World of Wahbert after her.

As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."



I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 4)

To: Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT

I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.

1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);

2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);

3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.

Appendix A -

'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.

Appendix B -

'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.

Thanks & regards,
S. Cout

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 3)

To: S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT

S. Cout,

Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:

1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED

2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.

3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.

Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...

Regards,
Commander S

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 2)

The Scout brings news!!

To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT

Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.

Regards,
S. Cout

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 1)

After enduring generations of living in an inhospitable environment where sunlight was but a distant memory for most, the inhabitants of the World of Wahbert finally decided to take their families and leave in search of better living conditions. After months of exploring, the team known as "Marketing" finally came upon a Sunny Lagoon where they thought the people from the W.o.W. would be able to spend the rest of their days in sunshine and water slides.

The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.

Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.

Wahbert Takes Prisoners

Wahbert has been recruited by a secretive international alliance to capture and detain members of a terrorist network. Wahbert was informed that the Modus Operandi of these terrorists is to extract sensitive intelligence relating to global share prices and hold it ransom.

At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.

The Return of the King

... and so it was that a dissident state exists in the World of Wahbert, ruled by an evil sorceress with a temper much worse than the Queen's. As the notoriety of the evil sorceress permeates through the land, the good people of the World of Wahbert stayed clear of the forsaken realm.

However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.

News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).

Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.

And so the intellectual property department was saved :)