McBert

Recently came to Wahbert a revelation why her life is an endless toil.

Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.

So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!


(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )


Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub

How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways

The tea lady is on medical leave. The kettle is empty. The water cooler is empty. The nearest oasis is located in a snakepit across the road known as HSBC. Worse, Wahbert is not getting her coffee. And now Wahbert has had her USB privileges stripped away by the IT Nazis. Even the USB mouse had to go. Wahbert needs to move to a more user-friendly environment.

The coup begins with the IT rats

The Elders have departed to make their yearly pilgrimage in search for enlightenment atonement greater wisdom so on so forth. The people contemplated staging a coup whilst the Elders are away (the best idea by far was to change the lock).

Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.

Fade to grey

Three of the locals decided to all show up in varying shades of grey from head to toe today. Standing side by side, Wahbert, Moron 2 and the Little One personify the term "Made to Fade". It's past 5 o'clock. Wahbert thinks she'll lie down and blend in with the carpet for awhile.

In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.

Survivor (Part III) - Eyebrows made me do it!!!

By the end of the second night (shortly after the 1st and 2nd lines of offense began their self-destruction), Wahbert found herself snogging The Stapler again *groan*. Wahbert firmly believes that this momentary lapse of judgment was a result of her eyebrows looking good that evening, thanks to the amazing efforts put in by her soulmate. The eyebrows made me do it!!!

Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???

Survivor (Part II) - Self-Destruct

Then comes the night of judgment. This was the night where they separate the men from the boys (or the workaholics from the alcoholics) with free flow alcohol all night long.

Now, a sort of feud has been going on between the Loud Mouths and the Paper Pushers (also known as the Litigation department and the Corporate department respectively) since time immemorial. It might have originated from the fact that they thought we come to work too late and we thought they leave work too early.... or because one of their elders looked at ours funny. Anyway, no one really remembers, but every year, the tribes meet and try to drink each other under the table in some sort of a battle for supremacy. This year, the Paper Pushers recruited Wahbert and the Little One. Wahbert was designated as 2nd line of offence whilst Little One was the 1st.

Unfortunately, before the battle got started, the 1st line of offence met the 2nd line and decided to self-destruct. It was a black black day in the history of the Paper Pushers.

Survivor (Part I) - Slippery Senorita

The omnipotent Gods in the World of Wahbert have decided that it was time that the people of WoW be sent on a journey to perdition. So last weekend, the people were exiled to a remote island 300 miles away from civilisation, under the guise of "Annual Dinner Getaway to Penang".

On the first night, Wahbert, Moron 1 and Moron 2 (whom you may recall from an earlier post) and other inconsequential WoW beings decided that perhaps if they injected massive quantities of intoxicating substances into their system, they would find the whole perdition experience kind of fun. So the bunch of us went down to a local watering hole called "Slippery Senorita" (We thought the name sounded promising. Don't ask.)

Not long after we got there, Moron 2 managed to pick up two girls, sisters. After a few minutes, he found out their names. It was "Sugar" and "Honey". Pleased to meet you. I'm Diabetic.

Few more minutes later, Wahbert found out something else. There was a rule in this club whereby you are not allowed to stray more than 3 feet beyond the bar if you have a cigarette and/or a drink in your hand. Each time Wahbert wandered beyond the imaginary 3 feet line, some guy in a suit and armed with a walkie-talkie would shoo her back.

Wahbert was effectively confined behind invisible bars the whole night with Sugar and Honey.

The Art of Giving

When Wahbert was little, her cousin used to have a revolving door style of dating. He could never seem to keep his girlfriends for more than a year. So rather than spending money on Christmas gifts each year on his latest fancy, Wahbert used to tell the lovely lady that next year, she will get two Christmas presents instead. They thought it was cute. Wahbert knew better.

Needless to say they never got to spend a second Christmas at Wahbert's house.

The Wahbert Guide to Breaking Up Nicely

... so the story left off with The Stapler giving Wahbert tonsillitis. Wahbert now requires surgery and is feeling all the shittier for it. Anyhoo The Stapler kicked Wahbert in the guts last night by declaring that it is in fact a piece of stationery incapable of affection warmth or companionship. Wahbert secretly plans to torch the supply cabinet.

And so The Stapler went on its spiel about how perfect its life is as a stapler and how things were getting complicated. (No shit. You're a stapler!) Basically all Wahbert heard was "Clack Clack Clack... I'm a schmuck. Clack Clack Clack ... I'm a real schmuck. Clack Clack Clack Clack... Clack Clack Clack "

When a guy says "what do you think?" "are you ok with this?" in a break-up scenario, don't stroke his ego with a tearful "Whyyyyyyyyyy" or "Can't we give it another try". Break-ups are not a democratic process. It is legal to unilaterally terminate a relationship. Unless you are married, then it's just more hassle. Be classy, be vicious if need be. For Wahbert, the latter comes naturally...

S : "Hey your security guards let me in without asking any questions!"
W: "Don't worry, they now have instructions to shoot on sight."

S : "I've never seen your car!" (What kind of preposterous remark is that given the circumstances?!)
W: "Wait right here. I'll go get the keys and you can have a view of my car coming at you at high speed."

Romancing the Stationery

I think the firm owes a duty to attach health warnings to office supplies.

I mean, you get papercuts from letterheads, we have incidents of staff stabbing themselves with pencils (accidentally, that is) and quite recently, the Stapler gave Wahbert tonsillitis. Geez man, enough is enough!!!

The Queen and I - Hide and Seek

Over the past month, Wahbert has been seeking audience with the Queen quite frequently. Various matters of State, from the farmer who needed restructuring of farmyard animals to the guy down the street who runs an investment bank. Wahbert secretly delighted in plastering the Queen with petitions as soon as the Queen alights upon her throne each day. Just now, Wahbert caught the Queen trying to hide under her table as Wahbert entered the room.

Wahbert is starting to feel that maybe the Queen doesn't want to see her. Nah......

The Stapler

Often when people leave employment, they take with them a souvenir from the job... with staplers possibly topping the list of most popular items to go missing.

Wahbert has been considering a career change. There is this guy in the firm, whom Wahbert now privately refers to as.... The Stapler.

nowhere to hide

Wahbert slept.

Wahbert dreamt.

Of stock manipulation.

The Queen and Corn

The Queen has developed a thing for force-feeding her underlings with corn on the cob. It's been 4 days straight and she's still bringing them.... urghh..

ADD

Due to prolonged exposure to hopeless tasks and monotonous workmates, Wahbert has developed the attention span of a kid with ADD. Wahbert now alternates pretending to listen to the constant yakkity yak with using their heads as target practice for javelin throws (with pens).

if he's cute and blond

Alan Smith has joined the firm. Heh heh heh heh. Btw, neener neener to Manchester United! Arsenal rulessssssss!

Meet the Puke

As Star Wars fever grips the World of Wahbert, Wahbert takes the opportunity to introduce a "thingy" named after a prominent Star Wars character, better known as Skywalker. Here in the World of Wahbert, he's known as "The Puke".

Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....

Revenge of the Bride

After 7 years under the rule of the Queen, the Bride finally decided that being the wife of an investment banker is less cruel punishment. And so the people of the World of Wahbert were invited to be present in a grand dinner affair involving lilac-coloured everything.

Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.

Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???

Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.

The Wahbert Memorial Wing

Today, they decided to accord Wahbert the recognition she deserves by actually naming a corner of the World of Wahbert after her.

As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."



I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 4)

To: Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT

I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.

1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);

2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);

3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.

Appendix A -

'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.

Appendix B -

'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.

Thanks & regards,
S. Cout