The World of Wahbert

No substitute

2011-12-12T09:48:00.002+08:00

Wahbert walks into a shop and orders a bowl of soup.

Wahbert's soup arrived with a fork.

Waiter says "Sorry we ran out of spoons."

Some things in life just aren't meant to be.

Hardcore Toilet Paper

2011-03-24T13:44:00.003+08:00

Does Wahbert need further proof that her life is surrounded by insanely trivial matters? This email came to all staff today:

Dear Office Worker

As some of you may have noticed we recently introduced new recycled toilet paper in line with JAIL BLOCK C's stance on sustainability and environmentally friendly initatives. However it has been brought to our attention that some of you are having difficulty with removing the empty rolls due to the hard core.

I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge that your comments have been duly noted and as a result we are taking immediate action to resolve this situation. In the meantime we kindly ask for you patience with this matter (and discretion in finding a better stocked cubicle).

We apologise for any inconvenience (such as your not having any toilet paper to use after a Number Two, oopsie).

Sincerely,
The Office Administrator

Do not work in this firm

2011-03-18T13:08:00.002+08:00

It's someone's last day today, and he sent around a firm-wide farewell email. It goes like this:

"Hi Guy’s,

It is with sad regret that I am today leaving.... Sadly I have had to move on to further my career and to provide for my family and unfortunately this was not achievable at this firm, until after I had made my decision to leave.

I wish all at this firm the best as it is a decent company to work for and there are many good people working here.."

Didn't anyone teach him that it's better not to say anything if he cannot think of anything nice to say??

This reminds me of a notice outside a shop which had closed down.. it read "We are now closed FOREVER." Do I detect a mild accusation in the tone there, Mr Poster on the Door?

Poor eyesight

2011-03-07T14:29:00.003+08:00

Wahbert's eyesight is getting worse.... Letters randomly appear or go missing and words keep rearranging themselves....

Today, looking at Qantas' 2010 Annual Report, Wahbert thought the front page said:

"The Scum of Us"

http://www.qantas.com.au/infodetail/about/investors/2010AnnualReport.pdf

Time for a sanity check, perhaps?

Next year is the year of the rutabaga

2011-02-08T11:07:00.004+08:00

It's the chinese new year (kung hei fatt choy everyone!). Wahbert decided to bring a box of cookies to work. There's an ugly picture greeting on the box of a rabbit munching on a carrot and it says "Happy New Year".

Colleague walks past and asked if it was the Year of the Carrot.

If we are what we eat, then Wahbert was born in the Year of the Bananas :)

The Workroom Goblin named George

2010-12-07T08:14:00.003+08:00

We have a "workroom" system here where bulk printing, photocopying, binding and other senseless tasks are channeled each night and magically appear in neat little bound, copied and labeled piles the next day. Turns out, "workroom" is the codename for George, a pill-popping slave goblin living in the print room.

We received this message today - there will be no further printing until George gets his happy pills!

From: Workroom
Sent: Tuesday, 7 December 2010 11:12 AM
To: Partners & Staff
Subject: George

Morning

Unfortunately we have run out of strong capsules. Due to high demand for George I am still trying to keep with the demand for capsules. This is an new issue which we are trying to eliminate. Strong capsules have been ordered and should arrive shortly. Sorry for any inconvenience and as time goes on we shall endeavour to ensure this does not occur again.

Regards Workroom

How much is that doggy in the window?

2010-10-08T09:02:00.004+08:00

Sorry, our auditor is not for sale.

In what was apparently the best description of an auditor's role in the 19th century, in Re Kingston Cotton Mill (No 2) [1896] 2 Ch 279, the judge said,

"He is a watch-dog, but not a bloodhound."

I don't insult auditors, judges do.

Got my grrrrrowl back

2010-09-17T11:24:00.002+08:00

Remember the Enid Blyton story about the bear who lost its growl? Sad little bugger. Well, Wahbert thinks her sense of humour pretty much went the same way during her time at Constipation Lawyers, Sh*thole VIC.

Well, having escaped, Wahbert thinks she's now got her growl back.

Today, whilst reviewing a board paper for an executive incentive plan, Wahbert came across the following:

The Board has the discretion to decide that the Award will not be forfeited if the employee is a God Leaver (yes, we mean an apostate, as opposed to the opposite of a Bad Leaver). Next on the agenda, the God Leaver Policy...
Shareholders' approval will be sought at the upcoming general meeting for the grant of rights to execute directors. [To all the Executive Directors out there: Didn't we tell you it was important to keep shareholders happy?]

Corporate Governance - the new religious extremist buzzword.

How To Train Your Dragon Widget

2010-05-03T13:34:00.001+08:00

Hi, World!

2010-04-12T10:35:00.002+08:00

I'm not dead. I'm just stuck in a hideously boring job working for a troll.

Gotta go, troll patrol on high alert.

HELP.

Fortune telling lingerie

2009-12-09T06:12:00.003+08:00

From The Age news online, Wednesday 9 December 2009

Business Day Trader Insights Markets Quotes World Business Comment & Analysis

BRA warns of more mortgage rises

PETER MARTIN ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT Economists forecast rate rises will add more than $300 to monthly mortgage costs as the RBA governor speaks of the need for still higher 'spreads.' Westpac goes bananas

The Crimes of Practice

2008-04-24T01:07:00.004+08:00

Wahbert apologises for intensely boring work related posts, but she hasn't eaten or slept properly for 3 days and is to be allowed some non-creative blabber.

And so it goes.

The Collective Bad Breath of the Firm

Wahbert has a client who would not have any contact with her firm. Instead, the client appoints another lawyer to act as an email server, whose sole function is to forward emails saying "We shall be grateful if you could respond to client's queries below".... and scroll down to client's email... "Please have Wahfirm comment on it". What, do we smell????

Do not discriminate against the punctuation-challenged

You might recall an earlier Wahbert post about people who end questions with a full stop and uses "Thanks" in place of "Please". It is totally unacceptable and a blight on the English language. Read on...

"What is the status."
"Shall we send this out tonight."
"Could you handle that, thanks."

If you don't see a problem with the sentences above, you are made of different stuff from Wahbert. And the scary scary thing is... Wahbert is starting to get just a little desensitised about the whole thing... Do you think that might be a problem.

And Wahbert shall end the tirade with a story with a moral....

Lawyers are not financial analysts. Not accountants. Not bankers. Most of us don't even have decent high school math scores. Some of us never even made it to high school. So if we don't ask you to tell us about promissory estoppel, DO NOT ask us to explain or even understand effective tax rate. (If Wahbert sees a BNP banker Wahbert is liable to commit violence.)

Unfortunately, even partners fail to grasp the concept as it applies to associates. "Go on, Wahbert, draft the Management Discussion and Analysis....It's just figures. Oh yeah we've already pocketed the money to do it. " Yeah you write it then. And the moral which Wahbert sincerely hopes the rabbit slaughtering corpse hugging partner would some day come to realise...

IF YOU CAN'T COOK, DON'T BLOODY OPEN A RESTAURANT!!!!

The Technical Myth

2008-04-24T00:59:00.002+08:00

Ask an accountant anything, and he will say that it has to go through their technical dept first. Works like the troll on the proverbial bridge. Wahbert has a feeling that this technical dept, which has to approve everything and take days if not weeks or months to do so, is some pimply faced office-type, slouching at a little desk in the corner of KPMG, PWC, EY, DTT.. and each time a report floats before him, would yawn and waggle his fingers saying... yeah yeah yeah. The technical dept. Greatest deterrent to productivity since facebook. Why can't law firms have em too?!?!

Paralegals Get No Respect

2008-03-04T23:23:00.002+08:00

There are peasants and then there are peasants. A caste system still exists in WoW, and there, just below the belly of the worm you just squished with your boot, are the paralegals.

Wahbert feels sorry for them, really. Granted Wahbert gives em crap to do, gives em a crap attitude, and gives em crap deadlines to do it by, at least Wahbert doesn't go out of her way to insult them (too much effort). Well, some people do go the extra mile. Today, a paralegal sent out some stuff to the printer's for typesetting. A moment later, an email comes through copied to the whole team. "The stuff you sent were not used. Please confirm that they are useless." Ouch (no, didn't stop Wahbert from laughing out loud though).

Fear of retribution. Another brimstone and hail event has been foretold for the WoW, and Wahbert expects to be cast on distant shores, and heaven forbid, paralegaling may be the temporary solution. Wahbert is scared. Wahbert is terrified.

Zyklon

2008-02-20T22:39:00.002+08:00

There is an ominous plot afoot. Every day at approximately 1800 hours, a noxious smell permeates the World of Wahbert, rendering the inhabitants covering their noses and mouths, clutching their throats and running for the door. But there is no escape. The smell is everywhere. Wahbert suspects that cost cutting has come to this - The Final Solution.

Either that or they still haven't found the partner who died under the weight of paperwork.

A different league

2008-02-02T00:45:00.001+08:00

Due to peasant shortages, the people of World of Wahbert has to undergo a system of rotation, taking turns to patrol the four corners of the World - Property, Corporate, Tax, Financial Services, Litigation and Intellectual Property (okay so that's 6, but Tax is tiny and stupid and FS is really just Corporate). In the days gone by, the folks used to just suck it up whether they liked it or not, and the powers that be are satisfied.

Since the event that tore WoW asunder (recall the thunders, brimstone and hail), Wahbert finds that the peons are now of a different breed, and have to be bribed with LV handbags to take a seat rotation to Property. Granted that part of the World is ruled by a dragon far scarier than the Queen, but a handbag with a five digit price tag??!? What is the world coming to???

When Wahbert takes over the World, peasants will be bribed with promise of a quick death.

Wahbert's Little Shop of Horrors

2008-01-23T00:01:00.000+08:00

If you think a freezer full of dead bunnies is not your idea of due diligence, just imagine a freezer full of dead bodies...

As the day wore on into dusky gloom,
A partner slipped silently into the room;
"Let me tell you a story true,
And you can decide what you'll do.

"A man came to see me late last night,
To help his new business take flight;
They provide one stop solutions for the dead,
From dressing the body to sewing on the head.

"I sat and listened thoughtfully,
My thoughts were, ahem, naturally,
On how much the deal would bring,
How much from them I can wring.

"The man laughed as I asked about payment,
And a cold shiver filled the long moment;
'Worry you not over that which you may never see,
The dead care not how much,' he said dismissively.

"'Come, let us go for a visit to our sites,
Where we perform the final cleansing rites;
Where we annoint the bodies and make them whole,
How we preserve the shell without the soul.'

'The bodies long for mortal company,
Silent corpses of ones who were many;
In their wooden cases on marble slabs,
Lives gone from here that the devil grabs.'

'Come see them, they are waiting,
But watch for the darkness descending;
The night does prey on your mind,
Not knowing what else you might find.'

"He laughed mirthlessly and headed for the door,
I stood stock still, my feet glued to the floor;
Lost for words I blurted out, "Aren't you afraid?"
'Me?' the man said, 'Too late, I'm already dead."

Better a legislator than a janitor

2008-01-15T23:38:00.001+08:00

Proof of nature knowing what's best when it comes to division of labour...

Section 49(1) of the Hong Kong Companies Ordinance (yes yes I know you're bored already!) provides that "No redeemable shares may be issued at a time when there are no issued shares of the company which are not redeemable."

Imagine if it had been your janitor who post a sign outside the loo saying, "No one may use the toilet at a time when there is no toilet paper which is not perfumed."

Wabbit

2008-01-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

A partner walked into the room and looked around,
And he stared each lawyer in the eye;
"Aha!" said he, "Two associates I have found,
"What do you think of a crusty rabbit pie?"

Wahbert turned and glanced at her mate,
Who shook her head and said, "Not I!"
Wahbert also quickly made a face,
And asked, "Is the crust wholemeal or rye?"

The partner clapped his hands in glee.
"Rabbit pot pie, rabbit stew,
"Our new client," said he,
"Can process the meat for you!"

"Write the prospectus quick smart,
"How to skin and boil and chop and dice;
"Rabbit's ears and bunny's heart,
"How our guy packs it all real nice."

"We'll take you on some site visits;
"To see where the action is," he grinned.
"See the cages of furry white rabbits,
"Just waiting their turn to be skinned."

The partner smiled his sales pitch made,
"So can this file to you I trust?"
"Not so fast," Wahbert said,
"You never answered my question about the crust."

The Shoemaker's Elves

2008-01-09T22:58:00.000+08:00

Ya know the story of the elves and the shoemaker (Brothers Grimm)? It goes something like this, sans intro...

Every night, the shoemaker cut out the leather for the shoes to be sewn the next day, and he would wake in the morning to find that the leather has been perfectly stitched into new shoes, so neatly made that there was not one bad stitch in them. The shoes pleased the customers so much that they paid the shoemaker well... And so it went on, what the shoemaker cut out in the evening was finished by the morning. He was never again short of customers and became a wealthy man. One night, the shoemaker and his wife decided to hide behind the door to see who their benefactor was. When the clock struck midnight, two unclothed little elves appeared in the room and set to work sewing the pieces of leather together, with their little hands skillfully crafting them into lovely pairs of shoes. When the work was done they quickly disappeared again, shivering into the night.

The next morning, the shoemaker and his wife decided to repay the little elves by making them little shirts and coats, trousers and stockings and little pairs of shoes to keep their tiny feet warm. That night, they laid out their offerings before retreating behind the door to await the elves' arrival. At the stroke of midnight, the two elves clambered onto the shoemaker's work table. Instead of finding pieces of cut leather, they were astonished to find the miniature clothes laid out before them. With a delight, they quickly put on the little garments and sang "Now we are boys so fine to see, why should we longer cobblers be?" so singing, they skipped and danced around the room and out the door... From that time forth they came no more.

Okay that story has no purpose other than Wahbert feeling a lot like a goddamn elf and all they do is put out dishes of cookies for us at night. Maybe they're afraid that Wahbert will turn their milk sour in the morning. Still, leather, paperwork, it's all the same, as long as it's neatly done by the morning. Gah. Need sleep.

Asses and Companies

2007-09-12T23:19:00.000+08:00

Welcome to the world of printers and word conversion softwares.

"Companies"
Wahbert recently converted an old agreement from pdf into word, and a passage from the converted text goes something like this:

"To set up the Con,any Shareholders are to contribute to the Initial Capital an amount proportional to their shareholding. In the day to day running of the Con,any Directors shall have the powers vested in them by the Board..."

Stupid software has trouble reading the letter "p" apparently. Wahbert wonders if the Enron charter was once subjected to word conversion.. and the directors took it just a little too close to heart.

You've gOt to be able to laugh at your job to survive the day.

"Asses"
I don't even have a context for this one.. It's just funny seeing the word "asses" in a prospectus.

Besides, what's the difference between "asses" and "assess"? In the latter, there's just more of them, hence the extra "s".

Project Panties

2007-09-12T23:12:00.001+08:00

Well so much for fancy project names for transactions - Project Panther, Project Doomsday, Project Happiness, Project Archer...

Wahbert recently embarked on one Project Vxx, but instead of upholding the glorious corporate tradition of using the project name (in pretty much its only use) in email headings, one of our bidders cut to the chase (the target is an undergarment manufacturer) and put it as their email header "Chinese Lingerie Company". Its contents?

"We look forward to receiving the teaser"

Ha Ha No Say that again?

2007-08-08T00:26:00.001+08:00

Do you know what's the unfunniest thing in the world? Having to explain a joke. Don't.

Remember that blasted performance review Wahbert had to do? Well, Wahbert decided to hell with it, we'll do it the Wahbert way. So it went something like this...

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Give reasons for any billing targets missed", you have put here "June only happens once a year". Why?

Because that's the only month I billed 200%. thAT's why. No... it's because my fingers just happened to hit on that EXACT combination of letters on the keyboard.

Managing Partner: In response to the question "Have you done anything special to improve your performance this year", you have answered "Yes, I got rid of friends". Why, how did you do that?

What, so you can stick it on a notice board and call it a guideline??

>o< (this is a red bowtie)

2007-08-08T00:12:00.000+08:00

What evil twisted world would throw Wahbert's most obnoxious arrogant insufferable red bowtied client right back at her despite moving COUNTRIES? Just goes to show that you can run, but you can never hide... the bowtie will find you.

And he still pronounces "rare" as "leeeehhhh"

HR hits aGAin

2007-07-15T21:32:00.000+08:00

Gosh, this is turning into quite the HR-bashing blog.. Oh well, they hAD to make it so easy :)

Last Thursday, HR closed the poll on whether we are to have "mineral" or "distilled" water supplied to us.

Apparently out of the 530 staff in the office, 113 prefer distilled water while 97 preferred mineral, summing up with "The rest of you obviously drink whatever we provide."

Recount? Out of the question, it was a landslide. Paper cups will now be available for the rest of you next to the washroom sink.

I'm back and you're stuck with it

2007-07-09T00:25:00.000+08:00

It is a universal truth. Countries and borders, geograpahy and races, laws and history, are all meaningless in the unifying singular force that is EVIL, and they can be found in every organisation, establishment, body corporate - incorporated or unincorporated, in the back office that is Human Resource, where souls get chivvied off at the pointy end of pitch forks to suffer in every small way for all eternity.

Here are the three stories of ours.

Story Number One
The nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Administrative Region of the People's Republic of China (please imagine patriotic marches and stern salutations as you read this out loud, thank you for your attention) has recently moved towards 5-day working weeks (it's quite amazing, I never would've thought that a nation, oops, beg pardon, The Hong Kong Special Adminisarghhfuccckkyougetthebloodyidea, would collectively stand up and say, "let's allow our people to be lazier. Go on, you've all been working yourselves too hard, have one on me" but right they did and here we go. Our firm, grudgingly and hesitatingly as it did, finally sucked in a deep breath and proclaimed, by edict of The Managing Partner, that the World of Wahbert shall henceforth only be operational from 8.30am to 5.30pm MONDAY to FRIDAYS (only, both days inclusive, for the avoidance of doubt).

Followed by a timed 2 beats, an email from the chief troll of HR:
"If you have applied for leave on Saturdays, the half-day will be credited back to your annual leave entitlement. TO THOSE OF YOU who have tendered your resignation(imagine green skin sharp teeth and senegalese soccer victory dance around a fire accompanied by shrieks and cackling) the above does not apply. The privilege only applies to those who remain (loyal) to the firm (Hah, bet you're sorry you resigned now, QuiTtEr, lOOoosERr) (No, dear HR, not really, you can take your half a day and shove it, we're really glad to be going) (but HR only hears the sweet sound of its self-indulgent sense of justice being served, hence the last words, hence
Victory).

Story Number Two
Another email from HR:

"In the coming hot summer months, we adopt a smart casual dress code here in the World of Wahbert. By smart casual we mean SMART. And by that, we mean no jeans, no faded jeans, no ripped jeans, no t-shirts, ABSOLUTELY no t-shirts without collars, no shorts, no miniskirts, no strapless tops, no tubes, no sneakers, no runners, no sportsshoes, no slippers, no thongs..." Oh for, I think I'll just wear a suit.

Story Number Three
Performance Review
It is that time of the year where the powers that be sit across a table the size of France from you from a position of slight levitated height so that they can stare down and secretly call you a chipmunk before you walk through that door. You know that door, the one with a sign that says "Final Judgment" nailed above it. But before you waltz through and mosey with the Almighty, you are required to complete a self-assessment of your performance so far this year. Like making your very own Santa's list. Good or Bad. Your honesty is required, or it's straight to the cauldron with you. Santa knows.

Question 1: What goals did you set for yourself this year? Umm...
Question 2: How did you go about accomplishing your goals? Ahh...
Question 3: What achievements this year are you proud of? Question 4: If you haven't reached your goals, why have you failed? No, wait, I'm still at #1 Question 5: Why have you not worked, billed and collected fifty million dollars for the firm TO DATE?Question 6: Are you a LOSER? Question 7: Are you using up valuable oxygen that are better breathed by more erstwhile employees of the firm??? Noooooo! Please! Spare me! Question 8 : You are obviously a liability to the firm if you cannot even accomplish the childish goals you have set yourself, you are a no good piece of pondscum. Answer me!!! Yes Yes *sob* I am worthless, I have no more pride, confidence or self-esteem.. and because I work a hundred hours a week I also have no friends or a social life, but that's OK, because now I don't need to wear make-up and have made peace with hair loss and breakouts..

I am STILL answering this goddamn questionnaire. With every question I feel my will to live becoming more and more detached from my person. I expect to see my skin drop from it like an emptied sack any time now. Oh shit, my brain is oozing out of my pores! Help!

Office Junk

2007-07-08T23:54:00.000+08:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I last posted. How are you, World???

I'm not in the habit of reading what I've written, so from memory, the last we have of Wahbert is her flight down some mighty mine shaft to drill oil in the polar ice caps. Would have been nice to say that Wahbert finally made her way to the light at the end of the tunnel and life awashes her in fresh air and dewy sunshine, but that belongs in another blog, na? Well then? Latest from Wahbert: still drilling and boring away in the deep bowels of the earth, although considering the geographical location and the urban planning of this little hell hole, there apparently isn't really much room left underground. Say hello to Hong Kong.

I've been meaning to blog this ever since I received the employees' handbook by courier. This should touch a special chord with those of you out there who, like myself, have a desk that resembles nothing so much as a bureaucratic volcano that in a fit of hiccough, spewed paper. And there it was, in neat double-spaced typeset font, snuggled right between "DRESS CODE" and "MEDICAL" on page 35, appeared the two sinister little words... "OFFICE JUNK". Stark, unembellished, uncompromising. Wahbert's heart caught, but she read on.

"The ballot for the office junk Ottery will be held every Friday at 3 p.m."

Two separate thoughts vied for pre-eminence at this moment in Wahbert's mind. (One) The bastards are going to confiscate my stuff and lottery it off every Friday afternoon??? Motherfu%#*&$.. (Two) Something is bothering me about the typing.. followed quickly by another (purely by habit of profession) thought we shall label: (Three) Junk by whOSE definition??????

Again, let me welcome you to Hong Kong, where law firms and random wealthy people have little fibreglass cruiseliners marooned in the harbour, quaintly known as "junks" in the true Chinese tradition. Ours' called "Ottery".

Damn.

The Bert is Back!

2006-11-16T20:48:00.000+08:00

Ladiessssss and Gentlemen!

The long awaited return of....

*drumroll*

Wahbert! New, improved, bigger and better!

and still stuck in the same old routine.

Well kiddos, after a 5 month (or was it 6? 7?) absence, it seems that Wahbert will be rejoining the workforce! This is the job that has been offered to Wahbert:

If you picture the firm as an oil exploration company, basically what they are doing is hauling their asses to the North Pole, and Wahbert is to join them on the expedition. When they get there, they're going to locate a piece of the Arctic about the size of a fifty cents coin, and start drilling two kilometres down, hoping to strike oil. What makes them drill at that spot? Someone told them it's a good idea and they're hoping it's true. Will they in fact find oil? Who knows. If they did, would there be enough oil to justify the cost of the expedition? One can hope.

So Wahbert, intrepid explorer of world unknown, lawyer turn oil driller, is about to embark on a new and unexpected adventure! Stay tuned for more. The journey begins when the immigration department issues its work permit!

Wahbert has left the building... then turned around and burnt it down

2006-05-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

Did you hear about the cataclysmic event that rent the World of Wahbert asunder?

It happened when Wahbert slammed the door a little too hard leaving the building ;)

Yup, Wahbert woke up one day and decided that she felt strongly enough about quitting... so she did. It was a long time coming anyway. For the record, Wahbert really did take her stapler home for good measure.

Anyway, this marks the end of WoW, until things start happening in my life again... then I'll call this "a chapter". Until then, even Wahbert has difficulty making "wake up at noon, check emails, eat and sleep" come to life.

But readers, check this space. Wahbert has been asked to temp in a school. Can you imagine? Wahbert would have an entire generation as blogging fodder. It could be the start of Wahbert's very own tardblog! Better still, Wahbert sees the start of her prefab angpow production line. Perhaps the job is not such a bad idea.......

The Queen's Cunning

2006-03-23T09:34:00.000+08:00

Ever heard the story of a farmer who found out that someone had been stealing watermelons from his garden? He couldn't catch the wily thief, so one day, he put up a sign that said "one of these melons is poisoned".

What goes for watermelons apparently also goes for due diligence reports.

Yesterday, one of the partners sent Wahbert to ask the Queen for a due diligence report that she had prepared for a client, despite allegations that he had stolen the client from the Queen. This other partner was going to use the Queen's report and just update it, rather than doing the work from scratch. He gets to do this to the Queen because the poor Queen has inadvertently incurred the wrath of the Master of the Universe, Supreme Ruler of WoW.

The Queen was in a truly precarious position. There is a charge of treason hanging above her head and the King all but has a knife at her throat. With her hands tied, the Queen was in no position to refuse handing over the report. But the Queen did not become Queen by being easily cowed. She looked at Wahbert calmly and said, "You can have it, but the minute you open it, you will be subject to a higher standard of care because you may find all sorts of things in the report that you would not otherwise have."

The result? The other partner will be doing his own due diligence without using the Queen's report and the Queen cannot be said to have refused to cooperate. Long live the Queen!

I hate merchant bankers

2006-03-21T18:52:00.000+08:00

Wahbert just came back from a meeting with further proof of why she dislike merchant bankers.

A point of law came up for discussion, and the merchant banker cut it off by saying "that may be so, but we are not here for a legal debate with you. In our experience, the Commission takes a different view" Later on during the meeting, the client again had another point of law to discuss, so she directed the question at the merchant banker and said, "with your dearth of experience, what do you think?" and the merchant banker happily prattled on about what he kNoWs the Commission would say or do.

Dearth, of course, means a scarcity or lack of... in other words, that big gaping hole where experience should be.

usually im quite nice... really!

2006-03-01T14:55:00.000+08:00

Today, Wahbert receives an email attaching pictures of a dozen homeless dogs that are in need of shelter. Wahbert does not like said sender and finds email annoying. Wahbert sends link to http://www.petsorfood.com

Somehow I just know that it's moments like these that will come back to haunt me when I'm old alone miserable and wondering why :)

Battle of the Corporate Floor

2006-02-26T14:07:00.000+08:00

A long long time ago Wahbert had a kingdom in an online game - Utopia. In memory of a general that died in one of the many battles fought in Utopia, Wahbert wrote a poem "Evermore". Ten years later and shackled in the drab space of WoW, Wahbert finds herself faced with another desperate situation.

Battle of the Corporate Floor

This is a story of an old old war,
About the soldiers of the Corporate Floor;
It goes on today like it did before,
Like history caught in a revolving door.

The soldiers have traded in their armour plate,
To fight in pinstriped suits on an hourly rate;
But fight we did and long do we wait,
For the final outcome - our partnership fate.

It was the year two thousand and six
The soldiers crumbled like rotten sticks;
Some deserted in search of better picks,
Others down with illnesses the docs can't fix.

So from a dozen men we are down to five,
Not that anyone can tell if we're dead or alive;
But still the generals struggle and strive
to put off a much needed recruitment drive.

The five of us we are the Corporate's best,
We are the ones who withstood the test;
With only five can you compete with the rest?
Only five? Hah! We could do with less!

Watch us clinch our clients another deal,
Help 'em wipe out competition at a steal;
Once we smack on it the company seal,
If they dispute we'll go for the appeal.

Onward march thy Corporate army!
To the bold and stalwart, eternal glory!
Seize the day and claim your victory,
Before you're overdue for heart surgery.

We will march when we hear the battle cry,
O'er mountains high and through valleys dry;
We might hide some murders, swindle and lie,
But we're the Corporate soldiers and we'll never die!

fffflippp

2006-02-16T14:53:00.000+08:00

You know those books you have when you're young where if you flip the corner of the pages you get a little moving picture? Like the one with Pooh shagging Eeyore or OOOops.. I mean, the one with the kid on a swing? Well you know what I mean.

Today, a partner came into Wahbert's room and started flipping the corner of Wahbert's Companies Act, which had the great misfortune of being on her desk. As he was speaking (and flipping), Wahbert just stared and stared at her book with her mouth twisted in distaste until the partner desisted with the offending act.

The point of this post is....

What should Wahbert start drawing in the corner of every page...?

Manufacturing Marxists

2006-02-15T17:30:00.000+08:00

Wahbert came to work in a pretty skirt and a pink cardigan. Imagine a walking botanical gardens and you pretty much have it. Halfway through the day, Wahbert received an urgent call for her to attend a meeting in a client's manufacturing facility.

Upon arrival at the security checkpoint, Wahbert was told by the security guard, "You must button up your top fully! They are very strict here!" and she proceeded to do it for Wahbert, then clipping a security tag right under Wahbert's throat. What was Wahbert doing through all this? Honestly, Wahbert was too stumped to do much beyond gaping at her.

Then Wahbert was led to the building, where people were milling about with blue plastic bags on their feet. Newcomers silently approached a large metal dispenser stuffed with similar plastic bags (which looked a lot like oval shaped shower caps) and mechanically donned on the blue plastic. What is the deal??? Wahbert was consumed with the feeling that she has stumbled upon a Marxist stronghold where entire proletarian populations are churned out with every batch of microchips manufactured.

AHA! So that is where the communists fled after the post-war insurgence! Wahbert will consider approaching their leader to rise against the tyranny of wealth by utterly destroying the embodiment of capitalism - Valentines Day.

By the way, let it be for the record that NOTHING goes with blue shower caps on your feet.

Bad Investment

2006-01-27T09:17:00.000+08:00

Wahbert recently learnt that blue chips are for chipmunks.

It happened like this:

Times have not been good and the market shaky, but every so often people become restless with the same balance in their bank accounts. Wahbert is no different and a particular counter caught her eye. The company is well-established, loaded and very much sought after. Something like investing in national oil and gas companies. In short, Wahbert was impatient to invest and the counter looked pretty damn good.

Like most blue chip stocks, the cost of investment was high. But Wahbert thought, what the hell, the investment will pay for itself in less than no time, so Wahbert bought.

At the beginning, the company was performing and prospects looked good. Most of all, Wahbert loved the idea of holding blue chip stock. It was empowering. After awhile though, Wahbert began to notice that the controllers were not always accountable. Furthermore, the company absolutely refused to declare dividends, even though it was making money and had massive reserves! Worst of all, Wahbert realised that she was only a minority interest and the company treats its minority interest like dirt.

Readers, choose your ending:

Ending One
The next time Wahbert thinks to "make her money grow", she will put it in topsoil and water daily.

Ending Two
I wonder in how many more ways I can objectify and disparage the Stapler.

Prefab Angpows

2006-01-05T16:06:00.000+08:00

Christmas and New Year just passed and Wahbert is counting the days until the Chinese New Year and the public holidays that come with it. One WoW-ian was commenting on how much she was looking forward to the actual preparation leading up to CNY. Wahbert remembers a time long ago when she actually enjoyed shopping for CNY goodies, decorating the house and helping her mom wrap "angpows", little red packets with moolah in em. Good stuff.

Thinking back, Wahbert cannot for the life of her imagine what thrill there is to be gotten from sealing away good money to be given to random strangers, particularly when it is her inheritance that is going into it. But Wahbert supposes that since it has been done for centuries it must continue to be so. Far be it for Wahbert to stand in the way of tradition, especially when Wahbert is still on the receiving end. But the actual task of filling angpows, now that is a different story, a needless senseless task. so Wahbert got this idea. Since it is always brand new crisp notes that people want and you have to go to the bank to get those, and since the banks are the ones who supply most of the red packets, why not prefab the angpows? Picture this:

Man goes up to cashier and say, I want to break this RM100 note into fivers and could I have some red packets please. Imagine how delighted he would be if the cashier gives him 20 little red packets each tenderly filled with a crisp RM5 note, neatly folded and sealed to perfection? After all, isn't consistency the beauty of mass-production? The bank earns the customer's goodwill, Wahbert gets some holiday money from the bank. Everybody's happy.

Wahbert's production line will consist of a bunch of children (highly trained in the ancient art of paper-folding), chopsticks and glue. Perhaps Wahbert will charge parents a daycare fee for taking on the kids. Perhaps not, Wahbert is in a festive mood. Naturally the children will be paid... in candy. If they're good.

The Death of Kichirat

2005-12-09T14:37:00.000+08:00

Wahbert has a client named fondly known as Kichirat. Random Boss no. 52 caused the death of Kichirat yesterday......

Kichirat is a Japanese national and the head of legal of a multinational corporation. Random Boss no. 52 ("RB52") was handling an assignment for the MNC and was taking his own sweet time about it. By the end of the third week and still not having gotten a response, Kichirat sent RB52 an email seeking his reply immediately.

Now RB52's favourite delay tactic is to zoom in on one small issue and spin it round and round until you have a problem the size of the second World War, and as if things were not bad enough, he will tell you that it is a reputational risk. It seems words like "reputational risk" "compliance" and "good governance" are very sexy terms in the industry at present. Luckily for RB52, he got his break on about the third page of the document (it only took him 5 minutes!), where Kichirat had made a tiny mistake.

The first thing RB52 did was call every lawyer involved in the transaction to sit in on the call, muttering to himself all the time and looking very grave indeed. Then he called Kichirat and told Kichirat that in all his career he had not seen something like that, and that if someone were to have an issue with it what would Kichirat say to the court? Would Kichirat have an answer? Was Kichirat trying to hide something? Is Kichirat not the leader of this exercise? What would happen to Kichirat and the MNC if it were discovered that the MNC is doing this? Was Kichirat prepared to bring the MNC into disrepute?

All this time Wahbert sat there picturing the headlines in the Japan Times - Top Legal Exec of MNC Committed Harakiri. Body found at desk. Last saw on the phone with Malaysian counsel.

Watch what you say and to whom you say it

2005-11-23T19:23:00.000+08:00

Today, an articled clerk told Wahbert that the Stapler is "nice". Wahbert made a mental note to criticise her work. Clearly the girl demonstrates poor judgment.

I don't speak legalese

2005-11-22T19:01:00.000+08:00

There's this thing called globalisation that Wahbert keeps hearing about. More than once Wahbert has heard people say "the waves of globalisation are lapping at our shores, you have to synergise, advance, progress with the time". Heck, if it's only lapping at your shores, what's the big deal? In fact, the whole idea sounds like it's perfect for a little dip in the sea on a balmy day. It's not like they said "Goddamn globalisation is hitting us like a goddamn tsunami and you better do something goddamn quick or you're goddamn gone".

Such was Wahbert's complacency that Wahbert had never bothered much with the lapping waves of globalisation. Then comes today. Wahbert had two meetings scheduled. The first was with a delegation from the Government of Mali. The second with representatives of client from Japan.

The first of the delegate to enter the room was a mighty lady over six feet tall and made Wahbert feel quite small. She was dressed in a bright yellow robe with fancy prints and crowned with a matching turban and made Wahbert feel quite drab (Wahbert was in pinstripe). Three other impressive looking gentlemen followed. The meeting progressed in French, and Wahbert was asked to translate. This Wahbert found quite difficult, as her mind was filled with images of cocoa trees and bananas ever since the lady first walked in.

As for the second meeting, suffice to say that Wahbert does not speak a word of Japanese and the meeting involved a lot of chattering and bowing on their part and a lot of blank stares from Wahbert. Possibly they expected Wahbert to bow with every stare. Wahbert told them she had a bad back. Possibly they did not understand.

Wahbert has decided that globalisation was a lot more fun as a concept, with a pina colada on the side.

Encapsulating Happiness

2005-11-14T09:46:00.000+08:00

Wahbert went to bed happy on Sunday night.

It was a weird fuzzy feeling, like you are completely at peace with the world, and the simple act of going to sleep when you are feeling sleepy overwhelms you with a kind of joy that can only be derived from appreciation of simple things.

It was inexplicable and wonderful at the same time.

This morning, on her way to work, Wahbert remembered that she took an antihistamine half an hour before she went to bed.

Remember the Gorillas

2005-11-14T09:09:00.000+08:00

Did I ever tell you what happened to the baby gorillas* ?

As expected, some died (or not, this is an assumption based on the fact that Wahbert has not seen them ever since they left), but some proved surprisingly resilient, adapting to the fluoro-greyness of the World of Wahbert. They assimilated and integrated with the People, thriving on paperwork and sustaining on black coffee.

And so we have Gorillas in the Midst.

har har.

* 30/10/04 Post

Drink Drink Till You Die

2005-11-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

Wahbert had a wretched weekend. As you may be aware, torture can come in various forms, like feeding prisoners lobster, three times a day, every day, for the duration of his incarceration, let's say, life.

It began on Friday, with the Powers That Be plying the People of WoW with cocktails by the Mandarin Oriental poolside. You are surrounded by friends, the setting was nice and the alcohol plenty...... with the Powers that Be watching and observing your every move. The smarter People of WoW quickly realised that the cocktails could not have been for the benefit of the People (a realisation strongly supported by past trends) and were circumspect. Unfortunately for Wahbert, she is not one of the smarter People. After about two drinks, Wahbert conveniently forgot that the Powers that Be were omnipresent.

Wahbert would spend Saturday alternating between holding her head, hugging her middle and rolling on the bed groaning all the time.

Yes, the Powers that Be can be unkind.

NO THANK YOU!

2005-11-10T09:40:00.000+08:00

Wahbert is annoyed. Wahbert is annoyed with people who say "Thanks" before they say "Please". This is usually the case when they are asking you to do something. To those who do not know it, "Thanks" is not a polite way to REQUEST! It suggests to Wahbert that you are presumptious and expect whatever it is will be done. And while I'm ranting, "Could you do something for me" should be punctuated with a question mark and not a goddamn full stop!

And Random Bosses should be punctuated with bullet holes.

Caught

2005-11-10T09:26:00.000+08:00

Wahbert fears she may have been exposed. Lately her colleagues have been mentioning the word "stapler" a lot... like, "I'm going to steal your stapler"... or "Give me your stapler, I like bright shiny things" Crap. Wahbert had better lay low for awhile.

Grave Insult

2005-10-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

Wahbert had plans for the night. She was going out on a "not-a-date" with this guy whom she met during her exile to the borderlands where they were required to keep marauders from crossing the border (some people call it repatriating illegal immigrants, whatever).

Guy called up in the afternoon and tried to postpone the "not-a-date" because he had to go overland to visit the grave of some dead relatives. Wahbert is insulted. They're already dead. Why should they care if Guy goes today or tomorrow? Wahbert on the other hand made plans to leave work early. Now Wahbert has to make plans to leave work early tomorrow. That's a lot of plans being made. Clearly Guy in his hermit ways does not comprehend the sacrifices Wahbert makes in leaving work early.

B is for...

2005-10-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

Blister!

Random Boss No. 97 came into Wahbert's room and commiserated over Wahbert's dilemma about whether or not to go for surgery. He recounted his own painful story of when he had a blister on his foot, going into details of whether he should have burst it with a needle or have a doctor look at it. That's right. Save it for the doctor.

Not very long ago, same Random Boss had stripped off his shoe and sock to show a (arguably different) blister on his foot to the Queen.

Rumours

2005-10-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

Random Boss no. 103 came into Wahbert's room and inquired after her tonsils, possibly due to the rumour that Wahbert had had her tonsils stolen while travelling in Vietnam. The rumour actually originated from two conflicting stories that somehow merged to become one as rumours do. One says Wahbert had gotten her tonsils removed. Another one says that Wahbert went to Vietnam. Over time, where the two rumours could be interpreted to co-exist, they did. Namely that the tonsils were removed in Vietnam. Did Wahbert suddenly have a killer tonsilitis attack that needed immediate surgery and a former Viet Cong wielding a curved knife had to perform the surgery notwithstanding that his legs had been blasted off during the War? No, Wahbert ate a dodgy bowl of Pho and then everything went blurry and when she woke up her tonsils were gone!

Specimen Wahbert

2005-10-04T12:36:00.000+08:00

The Queen came in and just stared at Wahbert at close range for 5 doggone minutes because Wahbert had cut her hair. Then she called Wahbert a lizard.

Yup, the Queen has returned.

McBert

2005-09-27T09:24:00.000+08:00

Recently came to Wahbert a revelation why her life is an endless toil.

Wahbert was summoned by the ancient and wise guru who lives in a cave in the southwestern tip of the realm. With dishevelled hair, rumpled clothes and ever forgetfulness, the old guru sat Wahbert down and with a beatific smile, such that one would confer on their favourite child, said, "With all due respect, I have asked you to undertake this task because they can only afford to pay us 3 grand for our advice and you are the cheapest(1) LA in this department(2)." He hastened to add, "Not that there is anything cheap about your work, I am sure it is of the highest quality." Convincing, save for the maniacal cackling that ensued. Wahbert attributed that to senility.

So apparently Wahbert has a reputation for being efficient. In other words, Wahbert has achieved the status of a legal Value Meal - cheap, fast and good enough. However, here's a reminder to all who may approach - It only costs a dollar to upsize!!!

(Incidentally, the old man also insists on calling Wahbert Michelle. Wahbert's name, for the record, is NOT Michelle. )

Footnotes
1. Cheap is a relative concept
2. That was not true. The Little One would work in exchange for a tummy rub

How can I kill thee? Let me count the ways

2005-09-22T10:26:00.000+08:00

The tea lady is on medical leave. The kettle is empty. The water cooler is empty. The nearest oasis is located in a snakepit across the road known as HSBC. Worse, Wahbert is not getting her coffee. And now Wahbert has had her USB privileges stripped away by the IT Nazis. Even the USB mouse had to go. Wahbert needs to move to a more user-friendly environment.

The coup begins with the IT rats

2005-09-22T10:06:00.000+08:00

The Elders have departed to make their yearly pilgrimage in search for enlightenment atonement greater wisdom so on so forth. The people contemplated staging a coup whilst the Elders are away (the best idea by far was to change the lock).

Bright and early this morning, the generally despised cult of social misfits known as the IT rats stormed the World of Wahbert. In a cold blooded murder spree, they took over the computers, and killed all the poor defenceless little USB ports while the people watched in horror.

Fade to grey

2005-09-19T17:06:00.000+08:00

Three of the locals decided to all show up in varying shades of grey from head to toe today. Standing side by side, Wahbert, Moron 2 and the Little One personify the term "Made to Fade". It's past 5 o'clock. Wahbert thinks she'll lie down and blend in with the carpet for awhile.

In other news, the people of WoW were fed cake today because it was someone's birthday. One of the elders leaned in to see what sort of cake it was. In a dazzling display of willpower Wahbert suppressed the urge to bump into her at that moment.

Survivor (Part III) - Eyebrows made me do it!!!

2005-09-12T16:31:00.000+08:00

By the end of the second night (shortly after the 1st and 2nd lines of offense began their self-destruction), Wahbert found herself snogging The Stapler again *groan*. Wahbert firmly believes that this momentary lapse of judgment was a result of her eyebrows looking good that evening, thanks to the amazing efforts put in by her soulmate. The eyebrows made me do it!!!

Or it could be due to severe intoxication. What was that again about fooling me once.. twice.... could we do thAt again???

Survivor (Part II) - Self-Destruct

2005-09-12T16:23:00.000+08:00

Then comes the night of judgment. This was the night where they separate the men from the boys (or the workaholics from the alcoholics) with free flow alcohol all night long.

Now, a sort of feud has been going on between the Loud Mouths and the Paper Pushers (also known as the Litigation department and the Corporate department respectively) since time immemorial. It might have originated from the fact that they thought we come to work too late and we thought they leave work too early.... or because one of their elders looked at ours funny. Anyway, no one really remembers, but every year, the tribes meet and try to drink each other under the table in some sort of a battle for supremacy. This year, the Paper Pushers recruited Wahbert and the Little One. Wahbert was designated as 2nd line of offence whilst Little One was the 1st.

Unfortunately, before the battle got started, the 1st line of offence met the 2nd line and decided to self-destruct. It was a black black day in the history of the Paper Pushers.

Survivor (Part I) - Slippery Senorita

2005-09-12T16:06:00.000+08:00

The omnipotent Gods in the World of Wahbert have decided that it was time that the people of WoW be sent on a journey to perdition. So last weekend, the people were exiled to a remote island 300 miles away from civilisation, under the guise of "Annual Dinner Getaway to Penang".

On the first night, Wahbert, Moron 1 and Moron 2 (whom you may recall from an earlier post) and other inconsequential WoW beings decided that perhaps if they injected massive quantities of intoxicating substances into their system, they would find the whole perdition experience kind of fun. So the bunch of us went down to a local watering hole called "Slippery Senorita" (We thought the name sounded promising. Don't ask.)

Not long after we got there, Moron 2 managed to pick up two girls, sisters. After a few minutes, he found out their names. It was "Sugar" and "Honey". Pleased to meet you. I'm Diabetic.

Few more minutes later, Wahbert found out something else. There was a rule in this club whereby you are not allowed to stray more than 3 feet beyond the bar if you have a cigarette and/or a drink in your hand. Each time Wahbert wandered beyond the imaginary 3 feet line, some guy in a suit and armed with a walkie-talkie would shoo her back.

Wahbert was effectively confined behind invisible bars the whole night with Sugar and Honey.

The Art of Giving

2005-08-23T11:34:00.000+08:00

When Wahbert was little, her cousin used to have a revolving door style of dating. He could never seem to keep his girlfriends for more than a year. So rather than spending money on Christmas gifts each year on his latest fancy, Wahbert used to tell the lovely lady that next year, she will get two Christmas presents instead. They thought it was cute. Wahbert knew better.

Needless to say they never got to spend a second Christmas at Wahbert's house.

The Wahbert Guide to Breaking Up Nicely

2005-08-19T00:33:00.000+08:00

... so the story left off with The Stapler giving Wahbert tonsillitis. Wahbert now requires surgery and is feeling all the shittier for it. Anyhoo The Stapler kicked Wahbert in the guts last night by declaring that it is in fact a piece of stationery incapable of affection warmth or companionship. Wahbert secretly plans to torch the supply cabinet.

And so The Stapler went on its spiel about how perfect its life is as a stapler and how things were getting complicated. (No shit. You're a stapler!) Basically all Wahbert heard was "Clack Clack Clack... I'm a schmuck. Clack Clack Clack ... I'm a real schmuck. Clack Clack Clack Clack... Clack Clack Clack "

When a guy says "what do you think?" "are you ok with this?" in a break-up scenario, don't stroke his ego with a tearful "Whyyyyyyyyyy" or "Can't we give it another try". Break-ups are not a democratic process. It is legal to unilaterally terminate a relationship. Unless you are married, then it's just more hassle. Be classy, be vicious if need be. For Wahbert, the latter comes naturally...

S : "Hey your security guards let me in without asking any questions!"
W: "Don't worry, they now have instructions to shoot on sight."

S : "I've never seen your car!" (What kind of preposterous remark is that given the circumstances?!)
W: "Wait right here. I'll go get the keys and you can have a view of my car coming at you at high speed."

Romancing the Stationery

2005-08-15T16:49:00.000+08:00

I think the firm owes a duty to attach health warnings to office supplies.

I mean, you get papercuts from letterheads, we have incidents of staff stabbing themselves with pencils (accidentally, that is) and quite recently, the Stapler gave Wahbert tonsillitis. Geez man, enough is enough!!!

The Queen and I - Hide and Seek

2005-08-12T15:55:00.000+08:00

Over the past month, Wahbert has been seeking audience with the Queen quite frequently. Various matters of State, from the farmer who needed restructuring of farmyard animals to the guy down the street who runs an investment bank. Wahbert secretly delighted in plastering the Queen with petitions as soon as the Queen alights upon her throne each day. Just now, Wahbert caught the Queen trying to hide under her table as Wahbert entered the room.

Wahbert is starting to feel that maybe the Queen doesn't want to see her. Nah......

The Stapler

2005-07-13T14:40:00.000+08:00

Often when people leave employment, they take with them a souvenir from the job... with staplers possibly topping the list of most popular items to go missing.

Wahbert has been considering a career change. There is this guy in the firm, whom Wahbert now privately refers to as.... The Stapler.

nowhere to hide

2005-07-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

Wahbert slept.

Wahbert dreamt.

Of stock manipulation.

The Queen and Corn

2005-06-26T14:52:00.000+08:00

The Queen has developed a thing for force-feeding her underlings with corn on the cob. It's been 4 days straight and she's still bringing them.... urghh..

ADD

2005-06-08T18:49:00.000+08:00

Due to prolonged exposure to hopeless tasks and monotonous workmates, Wahbert has developed the attention span of a kid with ADD. Wahbert now alternates pretending to listen to the constant yakkity yak with using their heads as target practice for javelin throws (with pens).

if he's cute and blond

2005-05-25T03:23:00.000+08:00

Alan Smith has joined the firm. Heh heh heh heh. Btw, neener neener to Manchester United! Arsenal rulessssssss!

Meet the Puke

2005-05-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

As Star Wars fever grips the World of Wahbert, Wahbert takes the opportunity to introduce a "thingy" named after a prominent Star Wars character, better known as Skywalker. Here in the World of Wahbert, he's known as "The Puke".

Consisting mostly of fats, The Puke lurks the hallways in the World of Wahbert, oozing into people's homes and engages the inhabitants in mind-numbing conversation. Victims of The Puke have been known to lose their minds and succumb to uncontrollable fits of rage upon his departure. Beware The Puke, for death and destruction is he.....

Revenge of the Bride

2005-05-09T17:33:00.000+08:00

After 7 years under the rule of the Queen, the Bride finally decided that being the wife of an investment banker is less cruel punishment. And so the people of the World of Wahbert were invited to be present in a grand dinner affair involving lilac-coloured everything.

Sometime between the chicken and the fish, the Bride began announcing for all her single "friends" to come up on stage to catch the bridal bouquet. Not surprisingly, several eager females quickly clambered onstage amidst a flurry of elbows and knees. The Bride, though, had someone else in mind. Next thing we know, the master of ceremony was bellowing "Would the Queen please come on stage to catch the bouquet!!!" to the hoots and cheers of the 300 odd peasants gathered at the ceremony.

Ever regal, the Queen marched up on stage (hissing and fuming a little). Wahbert pictured Marie Antoinette being led to the guillotine. And at the count of three, the guillotine was dropped!!! I mean.. the bouquet was tossed!!! We all held our breaths... Would the Queen be bestowed with the ultimate insult???

Turns out the Queen was hiding behind a bunch of balloons at the back of the stage.

The Wahbert Memorial Wing

2005-03-18T08:02:00.000+08:00

Today, they decided to accord Wahbert the recognition she deserves by actually naming a corner of the World of Wahbert after her.

As the handyman affixed the plaque above Wahbert's office, all Wahbert could hear was the pounding of the hammer... like nails being driven into a coffin, with Wahbert in it. And so the grave is marked with a headstone. "Here lies Wahbert. From one hell to another."

I dramatise. All the plaque says is "Don't Feed the Monkeys".

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 4)

2005-03-09T03:56:00.000+08:00

To: Commander S
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT

I apologise for the brevity of my earlier report. I was under the mistaken impression that your concern was merely as to RED SPEEDOS and was not aware that you were also concerned with SPEEDOS albeit not RED, and RED swimwear not limited to SPEEDOS.

1. As previously stated there were no RED SPEEDOS in sight (for explanantion as to 'sight' please see Appendix A);

2. They may have been RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) in sight. However, I did not take note of the same as the said RED swimwear (not SPEEDOS) were worn by persons other than the individual(s) whom we had earlier discussed (for details of 'individuals' please see Appendix B);

3. There were no SPEEDOS in sight, RED or any other colour.

Appendix A -

'Sight'Sight, refers to sight of the person reporting as the person reporting would for obvious reasons be unable to report on what was or not within the sight of any other person. However, wishes to also add, that as the persons around with vicinity of the reported did not demonstrate a violent reaction at any time, the reported believes that the said RED SPEEDOS were also not within the sight of the persons in the vicinity of the reporter. This of course, is merely the reporters assumption.

Appendix B -

'Individual'For security purposes, the names nor descriptions of these individuals cannot be stated herein. For clarification, please contact the reporter personally on a secure line.I trust the above clarifies the confusion of certain persons. In the event certain persons are still confused. I suggest some from of re-education would be appropriate.

Thanks & regards,
S. Cout

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 3)

2005-03-09T03:51:00.000+08:00

To: S. Cout
cc: Wahbert
Subject: Re: URGENT

S. Cout,

Could you please clarify - When you say there were NO RED SPEEDOS IN SIGHT - are you saying that:

1) There were SPEEDOS but they were not RED

2) There was RED swimwear - but not SPEEDOS.

3) There may have in fact been RED SPEEDOS, but not within YOUR sight. If so please clarify whether or not you (i) averted your sight so as not to be struck blind (ii) did in fact keep a look out (iii) have possibly erased all memory of such RED SPEEDOS.

Really S. Cout, you must be more specific...

Regards,
Commander S

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 2)

2005-03-08T11:45:00.000+08:00

The Scout brings news!!

To: Wahbert and Commander S
cc:
Subject: URGENT

Please be informed that I attended at the Sunny Lagoon on 5th March 2005 from 9.30 am to about 6pm and had the opportunity to observe the other attendees during the course of the day. I regret to report that there were no red speedos in sight. I repeat, NO RED SPEEDOS. As such, I am unable to present any photographic evidence for your viewing pleasure. I am aware that this news will be disappointing to you, unfortunately I have nothing futher to report.

Regards,
S. Cout

Too many partners... too little clothes (Part 1)

2005-03-08T11:03:00.000+08:00

After enduring generations of living in an inhospitable environment where sunlight was but a distant memory for most, the inhabitants of the World of Wahbert finally decided to take their families and leave in search of better living conditions. After months of exploring, the team known as "Marketing" finally came upon a Sunny Lagoon where they thought the people from the W.o.W. would be able to spend the rest of their days in sunshine and water slides.

The expedition was headed by the Master of the Universe himself, and flanked on either side by his loyal generals, the Bear (also known as Bob) and the Lion King. Now it would be prudent to note at this point that the Bear and the Lion King are imposing figures of towering height and barrel chests, fearless fighters both. The immediate thought that struck Wahbert upon discovering the members of the expedition was that these great leaders would have to be garbed in next to nothing to effectively explore the Sunny Lagoon. Which would mean... Swim trunks. The thought of the Lion King in little red Speedos brought a shudder. Enemies near and far would surely die upon the mere sight of the famed general in all his glory.

Wahbert immediately sought out a friendly member of the expedition team to report on her findings.

Wahbert Takes Prisoners

2005-03-04T16:22:00.000+08:00

Wahbert has been recruited by a secretive international alliance to capture and detain members of a terrorist network. Wahbert was informed that the Modus Operandi of these terrorists is to extract sensitive intelligence relating to global share prices and hold it ransom.

At 1100hours, three suspicious persons dressed like accountants and armed with state of the art spying devices stormed the World of Wahbert, brandishing Ernst & Young name cards. Nice try, Wahbert thought. Playing along with their act of "conducting due diligence", Wahbert ushered them into a high security cell code named "Conference Room 2". Slamming the two tonne door on them, Wahbert laughed at their pathetic pleas that they were "just doing their job". Wahbert then placed a watch over her new prisoners. Dressed like the receptionist, the watch took up an unassuming position outside the cell and monitored the movements of the three prisoners.

The Return of the King

2005-03-03T17:39:00.000+08:00

... and so it was that a dissident state exists in the World of Wahbert, ruled by an evil sorceress with a temper much worse than the Queen's. As the notoriety of the evil sorceress permeates through the land, the good people of the World of Wahbert stayed clear of the forsaken realm.

However, of late, travellers who dared venture toward the boundaries of the dissident state brought accounts of the death of near entire villages under the sorceress' rule. There were further reports that the evil sorceress is kidnapping babies to be tortured for her amusement.

News of countless atrocities committed against humanity and the suffering of the damned souls finally moved the King, who was at the time playing hide and seek in the woods with hairy half-pint hobbits (or maybe he was in court with hairy half-pint lawyers).

Rules of High Court in hand, the King led his army of fearless litigators and stormed the dissident state. Before the mighty King's righteous wrath, the evil sorceress dissolved into poo.

And so the intellectual property department was saved :)

Rainbow (bad) connection

2005-02-25T14:38:00.000+08:00

Why are there so many course about ethics
And why we must be on time
Deadlines are visions but only illusions
And tardiness ain’t a crime

So bosses give work and we have to finish it
I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me

Who said that governance is practised and observed
When companies are aware of it
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it
Look what it’s done to profit

What’s so amazing that keeps us all working
In spite of our small salary
Someday we’ll find the insider information
The exchange the brokers and me

All of us under its spell we know that it’s probably magic

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices
I hear them yelling my name
Is it the bosses that calls to young LA’s
When it’s time to take the blame

I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it
It’s something that I’m supposed to do
Someday we’ll find the insider information
Then I’ll be out of here soon!

Valentines is for chipmunks

2005-02-24T03:55:00.000+08:00

Conventionally, a guy might give a girl flowers or a box of chocolates as a token of affection. In the World of Wahbert, where office supplies are more coveted than long stemmed roses, a guy expresses his feelings by giving you work.

"Hi! I really like you. Here, have a file! You can put it in your name!"
"A file? For me?? How thoughtful!"

Bah.
Wahbert says, A file by any other name is just as thick.

Trespass

2005-02-23T10:46:00.000+08:00

Trespass is not a crime in the World of Wahbert. Neither is invasion of privacy. It is called public dissemination of personal information by the water cooler.

Last week, a colleague, who will be identified as Moron #1, came into Wahbert's enclosure and while Wahbert was distracted by a secretary hiding a fart, opened and read Wahbert's emails. Another colleague, Moron #2, picked the perfect time to waltz in, just as Moron #1 had identified the most incriminating email in Wahbert's archives. The following scene unfolded:

Moron #1: "Hey check this out, this is really funny!"
Wahbert : "Argh!" (proceeds to tear out Moron #1's limb)
Moron #2: "I'm going to send a memo out to everyone. Hee hee!"
Wahbert : "Don't you dare tell anyone what you read! You owe me a duty of care!"
Moron #1 : "Yeah well tell that to a lawyer!"
Wahbert : "I AM!!!"

It has been 4 days - 3 floors since. Last night, Moron #1 also felt the need to inform one of the gorillas, nicknamed The Loudspeaker. Not long now... the building only has 19 floors.

The magic words...

2005-01-07T13:37:00.000+08:00

The Queen was in a foul mood. Somebody had the nerve to misuse a semicolon in a footnote. The Queen was screaming for blood. She called for sacrifice. The chambering pen delivered.

So... a baby gorilla was sent, all wide-eyed innocence, no bloody idea of what lay ahead. As soon as he entered the Queen's chambers, she began screaming "Off with his head! Off with his head!" (or something that sounded like that... Wahbert relies on guesswork at times) The baby gorilla, being quite distraught, wrung his hands in hopeless defeat and fell upon his knees, imploring the Queen thus, "Please don't lose your temper" (of these words Wahbert was sure, she heard it from the gorilla).

Miraculously, the baby gorilla's doleful voice and bambi eyes must have struck a chord with the Queen. For not only did she pardon his existence, the sacrifice was called off and the gorilla got invited to lunch to boot.

The rest of the people in the World of Wahbert, staring in utter disbelief (and feeling quite cheated of the carnage they were anticipating) wondered where they went wrong. Five little words that could have saved some of them from years of the Queen's torture. Then again, lacking gangly arms, pink bottoms and carpets for skin.... they probably would not have gotten away with it. Oh well.

Christmas

2004-12-28T09:30:00.000+08:00

The gorillas sang Christmas carols. They ran out of food at Christmas lunch. The lion sat with Wahbert and the Wallflowers. As soon as the games began, everyone rushed back to do work. Wahbert discovered the new criteria to be made a partner, judging from those announced over lunch - you either have to be fat, or bald. Being both will get you very far.

To the Moon and Back

2004-11-28T22:33:00.000+08:00

Wahbert the Astronaut ("Astrobert") has crash landed back onto Earth. The shock of landing has sent Wahbert into another dimension known as Denial Meets Jet Lag. Wahbert seeks solace in alcohol.

One month ago, Astrobert catapulted out of the World of Wahbert into a distant planet, otherwise known as France (Seriously, there are aliens there). Upon initial contact, Astrobert noted the dazzliing lights of this planet, and the strange nasal language spoken. Fortunately, Astrobert's alien language processor enabled her to communicate with the natives.

Astrobert spent four weeks exploring the planet and found it to be extremely civilised albeit somewhat insular. As Wilde put it, they speak no language but their own, they read no literature but their own, hence they are pretty narrow-minded.. but one must not make a sweeping generalisation, some French do speak English... they are the waiters.

Anyhoo, Astrobert had an amazing time in this planet, but unfortunately, Astrobert finally ran out of euros and had bartered everything else salvaged from the World of Wahbert. Reluctantly, Astrobert embarked upon her ship for the journey back to Earth.

Astrobert is Wahbert once more. :o(

The Wahbert Petting Zoo

2004-10-14T14:20:00.000+08:00

The Master of the Universe, otherwise known as the Managing Partner, has a thing which he calls "Managing by Walking Around".

Now, many people in the World of Wahbert live in small enclosures with a glass facade, much like those big aquariums, just without the decorative anemone.

Yesterday, the MP pottered up to the World of Wahbert for a look around. Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of the day and Wahbert was the only one awake. The MP stood outside the glass window and stared curiously at Wahbert for a few minutes. Wahbert immediately activated nature's best defense - her furniture-morphing cells. Disinterested, the MP surveyed his surroundings for a moment before departing to manage another department.

Wahbert is reminded of her visit to the zoo when she was little. At all the exciting animal exhibits, there would always only be just one animal that is awake during the day. Now Wahbert understands how self-conscious the poor beasties must have felt.

Metamorphoses

2004-10-12T10:55:00.000+08:00

Wahbert is morphing into office furniture. Dressed in black and grey, Wahbert blends easily into her surroundings. As the last vestige of Wahbert's physical form is sapped away, Wahbert slowly disappears into the office chair.

so sleepy........ sigh

2004-10-04T16:23:00.000+08:00

Did you ever think that Clinton might have sent Monica an email that goes something like this?

This is an email Wahbert received today:

Received on 04-10-2004, 11:52:40

To:
cc:
Subject: RE: Permanent CF

***********************
Your mail has been scanned by InterScan.
***********-***********

WAHBERT,
Pls come to my office to do what ever you want. I do not have that file
they refer to. I can bring you to MPK to request for the file.

Thanks & Best Regards,
LONELY.
YOU_SICKO SDN BHD
Tel : 603-XXXXXXXX
Fax : 603-XXXXXXXX
e-mail : LONELY@YOU_SICKO.com.my

Oh sorry, MR. LONELY, I'm not an INTERN!

Gorillas

2004-10-03T16:32:00.000+08:00

Five strange creatures were discovered in the World of Wahbert on Friday. They have been identified as being four females and one singular male. Wahbert was immediately reminded of a small band of gorillas.

Later in the day, Wahbert stumbled upon the creatures' hideout. It appears that the creatures had taken over a remote part of the World. Wahbert approached slowly and attempted to make contact. The creatures appear unaccustomed to humans and began chattering rapidly among themselves in a language strangely similar to English.

Wahbert decided that the creatures were annoying and better left alone.

Dinner Etiquette

2004-10-03T16:06:00.000+08:00

In remote parts of Japan, it is considered polite to burp after a meal.

In the World of Wahbert, it is acceptable to throw a flaming match into the lap of the person sitting across the table.

Wahbert learnt that it is bad for one's health to piss off a flame-thrower over dinner.

Border Dispute

2004-09-29T12:05:00.000+08:00

The World of Wahbert has been under constant threat from the marauding hordes of barbarians camped at the northwestern tip of its realm. Recently, children, especially newborns, have been reported missing from the realm. It is strongly suspected that the barbarians are stealing the children and brainwashing them to turn against the Queen.

The barbarians have sent an emissary to negotiate with the Queen. As the Queen does not negotiate, she is gathering her forces ready for battle. Her case has been put before the Supreme Council of Elders. In the meantime, intel has it that the barbarian emissary is secretly rallying for support from neighbouring Worlds. It is rumoured that the Queen may be forced to cede parts of her territory to the barbarians.

The Queen and I - Treason

2004-09-29T11:23:00.000+08:00

In certain jurassic cultures, it is treason to be taller than the King. Hence, a subject is expected to kneel before the Ruler... or lie prostrate, if the Ruler is very short. In the World of Wahbert, it is death by screaming.

Today, Wahbert made the mistake of standing beside the Queen in high heels.

The Queen and I - Torture device

2004-09-29T11:18:00.000+08:00

A faithful subject, upon returning from a perilous expedition beyond the World of Wahbert, presented the Queen with an offering - a keyring with a light. After pondering the strange object for a while, the Queen, in her infinite wisdom, summed it up to be a torture device. The Queen then visisted the prisoners' cells nearby and shone the frickin bright light in the eyes of the inmates.

The Queen and I - Chocolate

2004-09-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

The Queen has an unstoppable appetite for chocolate. Whilst the World of Wahbert used to abound in this fine delicacy, the Queen's constant and unyielding demand has virtually depleted the entire chocolate reserves in the World of Wahbert.